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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Caught DH smoking

25 replies

Username145 · 03/10/2022 23:13

We had a massive fight yesterday. He is not speaking to me. Just realised he is not at home, checked everywhere, started to get very worried. Then noticed his shoes and jacket are gone. Went to look around outside, garage lights are on. Looked through the window and there is himself sitting with beers and smoking cigarettes. He doesn't know I saw him. We are non smokers. My dad was a smoker and died recently from poor health, I am so angry. We were both talking about how horrible effect smoking has. Should I confront him? What should I say?

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 03/10/2022 23:20

He's an adult. You can't make him do anything. I wouldn't confront him, it's only going to make everything worse. Just leave it for the morning without the tension, smoking and booze.

EntertainingandFactual · 03/10/2022 23:25

You must live in a massive house if you wouldn’t usually notice him sitting in the garage with the light on!

He’s created himself a man cave.
Cigarettes and booze and whatever else. Alone with his thoughts. There are men up and down the country doing the same.

Youcant control what people do. As long as he isn’t stinking the house out, leave him to it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2022 23:26

Confronting him, whatever that looks like, isn’t going to improve things and you two already sound like you’re in a bad place. Leave him be for now and try and find a way to communicate better.

He’s upset about the argument so this is either him stewing and trying to offload stress or it’s a giant fuck you gesture. Given he didn’t think you’d find him the former is more likely.

OldKingCole · 03/10/2022 23:28

It’s only a few cigarettes! And I am a non smoker. Leave the poor man alone - he’ll come to his senses

lightisnotwhite · 03/10/2022 23:29

Don’t confront him. The argument and sulking are as much issues as the fags and beer.
If you want to mention the smoking maybe come at the angle of insensitivity tomorrow. Tell him that it’s really upset you that your dad died from smoking related conditions and that finding your husband smoking so soon after is really hurtful.
He’s an adult and he can smoke if wants unfortunately. Just like your dad did. If you can’t live with a smoker you need to make that clear too.

UmbrellaSparrow · 03/10/2022 23:32

We are non smokers.

*I am a non smoker.

It'd appear your husband is a smoker. He's an adult. Smoking away from the house. Leave him be. Some are healthier than others, but everyone needs a release/ vice.

EmmaH2022 · 03/10/2022 23:35

So he is smoking, presumably not regularly.

is it a deal breaker for you? I wouldn't lose a good relationship over it, but I appreciate everyone is different.

Original poster
Username145 · 03/10/2022 23:35

He has given me hard time in the past whenever I meantioned I would like to have a fag. We both used to smoke in our teens/early twenties. We have life insurances that state we are non smokers. We both have agreed that quitting was the best thing to do. After my dad dying few months ago we both reflected on how important is to keep good health. I just didn't expect he would do this. He is such a hypocrite, always saying how disguisting it is, it smells so bad and it's so bad for you.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/10/2022 23:36

Some people who wouldn't normally smoke enjoy one while having a beer.

He is a man not a child.

Sandrine1982 · 03/10/2022 23:36

God. Poor guy. I have left my DH and toddler a few times to have a beer and a cigarette outside in the park, and I'm a non smoker. Only after a massive fall-out or tantrum ... desperate times require desperate measures. Chill out dude !

saltinesandcoffeecups · 03/10/2022 23:36

It’s not look you found with hookers and blow… you had an argument he’s getting some space with a smoke and a beer. He’s a grown man and you can’t control him.

‘Only you can decide if his smoking is a deal breaker in your relationship.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/10/2022 23:37

Maybe the argument caused him to need a release.

EmmaH2022 · 03/10/2022 23:39

Username145 · 03/10/2022 23:35

He has given me hard time in the past whenever I meantioned I would like to have a fag. We both used to smoke in our teens/early twenties. We have life insurances that state we are non smokers. We both have agreed that quitting was the best thing to do. After my dad dying few months ago we both reflected on how important is to keep good health. I just didn't expect he would do this. He is such a hypocrite, always saying how disguisting it is, it smells so bad and it's so bad for you.

I wouldn't worry about life insurance if it's occasional.

possibly all the smoking talk made him crave one?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 23:44

Kick him out then.

( But you'd be daft to end a marriage over it.)

Leave him be and talk CALMLY about it.

ReeDeeHee · 03/10/2022 23:45

OP is NBU to say she doesn't want him to smoke in the house/around her, but thats all.

MsMillyMollyMandy · 03/10/2022 23:45

Having been in a very similar situation myself recently I decided to turn a blind eye. DH has given up smoking more times than I can count but if I acknowledge he is smoking again he will soon be getting through a pack a day. The faff around secretly charging his Iqos and sneaking down the garden limits him to about 5 a day. Avoiding catching him is quite an effort but worth it to keep his smoking to a minimum and the smell out of the house.

Nat6999 · 03/10/2022 23:50

Late dp & I only ever smoked if we went out, never at home, I still have an 8 year old pack of 20 & a lighter at home that I haven't touched since he passed away, I can't bear to throw them away.

alwaysmovingforwards · 03/10/2022 23:51

EmeraldShamrock1 · 03/10/2022 23:37

Maybe the argument caused him to need a release.

Or just to get away and find space on his own. He doesn't sound happy.

altmember · 03/10/2022 23:51

Maybe he's only smoking as a 'fuck you' message, because he knows how much it'll piss you off? Hopefully you don't keep any petrol or other flammable stuff in the garage though!

EmmaH2022 · 03/10/2022 23:53

altmember · 03/10/2022 23:51

Maybe he's only smoking as a 'fuck you' message, because he knows how much it'll piss you off? Hopefully you don't keep any petrol or other flammable stuff in the garage though!

A "fuck you" - for what? - so soon after OP has lost her dad would be extremely wrong. It can't be that, I hope.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 04/10/2022 00:08

Talk to him tomorrow.

It may have been a one off.

I'm sorry about your Dad. 💐

Original poster
Username145 · 04/10/2022 00:35

He came home stinking of cigarettes. I asked him why did he smoke, he said he felt like it. I asked if he smokes on regular basis now, he said he doesn't want to discuss it with me.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 04/10/2022 01:09

My SIL gave up smoking the day she married my brother but used to smoke in secret occasionally. She's found it better to smoke in secret because if she did it openly, she would end smoking much more.

Leave him be.

Ponderingwindow · 04/10/2022 01:21

It’s a dealbreaker for me.

when things are calm, I would ask him if it was an isolated incident that he regrets or something that might reoccur. From there I would know if I need to contact a solicitor.

lightisnotwhite · 04/10/2022 02:11

Username145 · 04/10/2022 00:35

He came home stinking of cigarettes. I asked him why did he smoke, he said he felt like it. I asked if he smokes on regular basis now, he said he doesn't want to discuss it with me.

Well it won’t be a discussion will it. You already know the answer. He clearly still likes a cigarette and you feel differently.
Can you cope with him still smoking, that’s the question.

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