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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite my sister and her dc everywhere?

24 replies

RubyPeridot · 03/10/2022 20:59

Sister has 2 children, age 3 and 1. I have a ds age 6. She seems to think that anytime I do anything 'kiddy' I must invite her and gets offended if I don't and just take my dc out alone. Certain places like playcentre/parks/farm that are suitable for all ages I do invite, but others I don't e.g. hate going for meals with her as her ds will often have a tantrum/want to run around restaurant/wont eat whereas my ds is finally at the age where I can take almost anywhere and he can adapt behaviour accordingly. To her it's only 3 years age difference but I don't think she truly understands the magnitude of the difference in their capabilities. My ds wants to do laser tag/ice skating/theme parks/arcade/cinema etc, stuff not really suitable for a 3 and 1 year old but she still gets offended that I didn't invite her anyway, even if she would have said no. Aibu to continue taking my son where I please or should I extend the invite even if not suitable for her kids?

OP posts:
Hamserfan · 03/10/2022 21:01

Sounds very wearing does she not do anything without you and your DC either?

Sciurus83 · 03/10/2022 21:01

Don't tell her?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/10/2022 21:03

Go out with your own children and don't tell her.
Don't post on FB either.
She doesn't need to accompany you every time you go out with your children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2022 21:03

Why does she know all your plans? Just don’t tell her and do your own thing. If she finds out just shrug and say you wanted 1-to-1 with your son or that it wasn’t suitable for younger kids. So she gets offended, it won’t injure her.

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 21:04

You don’t need to invite her everywhere. It is different when very young kids are present. I agree don’t share your plans with her everytime

Kitkatcatflap · 03/10/2022 21:05

Another one saying don't tell her, if you have to say - it was arranged by one of his schoolfriends.

Original poster
RubyPeridot · 03/10/2022 21:06

Hamserfan · 03/10/2022 21:01

Sounds very wearing does she not do anything without you and your DC either?

Yes she does! But will make some type of excuse as to why I wasn't invited, usually due to the fact that I'm work and ds at school whereas she's a sahm so free go out anytime of the day, which is fair enough, I don't feel the need to be invited everywhere anyway

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 03/10/2022 21:06

just don’t tell her your plans, as she seems too intrusive.

cooolio · 03/10/2022 21:09

Let her be offended. You don't need to hide it from her.

"I love you and I love all the kids but sometimes I want to spend time just with my DS. They're only little once and I enjoy having the occasional day out alone with him."

Original poster
RubyPeridot · 03/10/2022 21:09

We speak a lot so it often comes out naturally in the conversation when discussing weekend plans etc. I have been out and lied before saying play date or stayed in etc but it just feels unnecessarily sneaky but maybe it is necessary moving forward. Thanks for input all

OP posts:
cooolio · 03/10/2022 21:10

"Another one saying don't tell her, if you have to say - it was arranged by one of his schoolfriends."

Ffs, you want her to make up some elaborate lie? To her own sister?

MrsNobodyMM · 03/10/2022 21:13

I don't think lying is going to be a long term solution as your DS isn't going to keep that up and things will slip out. Just do your own thing and tell her and when she reacts play it down, laugh and say: "Dsis I love it when we all do stuff together but with DS at school and me working I obviously also need to make sure we get some quality one on one time too! Can we book in a farm for next weekend?" I think it needs confronting head on - set the precedent you will be doing things just the two of you at times but also want to do things together.

Original poster
RubyPeridot · 03/10/2022 21:18

MrsNobodyMM · 03/10/2022 21:13

I don't think lying is going to be a long term solution as your DS isn't going to keep that up and things will slip out. Just do your own thing and tell her and when she reacts play it down, laugh and say: "Dsis I love it when we all do stuff together but with DS at school and me working I obviously also need to make sure we get some quality one on one time too! Can we book in a farm for next weekend?" I think it needs confronting head on - set the precedent you will be doing things just the two of you at times but also want to do things together.

Love this! Will be using that exact sentence 😂 I wasn't comfortable with the lying tbh as it usually does come out either through pictures or conversations and then she feels like I hid it from her which I did, but also upset that I didn't invite so catch 22 really but this is a great way to say 'sometimes but not all the time' in a nice way. However she does sometimes then turn it into a competition of who can take the kids to the best place 😂

OP posts:
Loopyloopy · 03/10/2022 21:21

I wouldn't want to lie to her. It won't solve the problem, and you would have to keep doing it! Just take your son to laser tag or whatever, and repeat that it's not suitable for toddlers!

MrsNobodyMM · 03/10/2022 21:53

Hope it goes well!

Kitkatcatflap · 03/10/2022 22:36

Is she not going to baby/toddler groups, Gymboree (if it still exists) rhyme times at the library etc. Did she make any new mum friends with children the same age as hers?

TooHotToTangoToo · 04/10/2022 07:21

I don't think lying is the best approach, eventually she'll find out and give her something else to moan at you about. If she asks what you're doing this weekend just tell her, if she complains then ask her how she thinks her 1 year old will cope with ice skating, or any other activity. If she asks you to change your plans say no, plus the old 'I want some one in one time with my ds as I work during the week' line

IglesiasPiggl · 04/10/2022 07:33

You have my sympathy OP! It's her who has crazy expectations and you need to change that now, otherwise when your DS is a teenager she'll still expect to be invited! I just don't get why anyone thinks laser tag is suitable for a one year old. Most people would just say "my DC are too young for that, shall we do something next weekend instead". Or maybe let her come to something wildly age inappropriate, have a rubbish time and hope that puts her off?

Anniegetyourgun · 04/10/2022 08:09

Doesn't she even realise the inconsistency that she can do things sometimes when you can't but resents that you do things sometimes when she can't? It sounds like you do quite a lot together as it is, so you're not deliberately excluding her from your outings as a general thing. It's really not reasonable to expect your 6 year old to be restricted to activities suitable for much younger children. I'm sure he does enjoy time with his cousins but that can't be his whole social life!

Goldbar · 04/10/2022 08:29

I would just shut her right down on this, tbh. She's your sister and, if you can't be honest with her that she's being a PITA, who can you be honest with?

"Sister, of course I like spending time with you and your DC, but I don't know where you got the idea that this means I'm not entitled ever to spend one-on-one time with my own DS. Quite frankly, it's getting irritating. Sometimes DC wants to do his own thing and often it's not something suitable for toddlers."

Imogensmumma · 04/10/2022 08:56

Tbh so what if she gets offended why does the risk of her taking offence overrule the right and need to have one to one time with your DC

Original poster
RubyPeridot · 04/10/2022 11:33

Thanks all for the input. Safe to say I am not being unreasonable! Just to clarify, she has plenty of friends with similar aged kids, whereas I don't really have any friends 😂😭 and she does plenty with them without me. She just takes it really personal when I don't invite her everywhere as she has FOMO. Will definitely speak to her though as I can't go on like this, sneaking about and lying or dreading planning anything as she will want to come or try to change the plan to something more suitable for her.

OP posts:
Worriedpal37 · 24/01/2023 16:28

RubyPeridot · 03/10/2022 20:59

Sister has 2 children, age 3 and 1. I have a ds age 6. She seems to think that anytime I do anything 'kiddy' I must invite her and gets offended if I don't and just take my dc out alone. Certain places like playcentre/parks/farm that are suitable for all ages I do invite, but others I don't e.g. hate going for meals with her as her ds will often have a tantrum/want to run around restaurant/wont eat whereas my ds is finally at the age where I can take almost anywhere and he can adapt behaviour accordingly. To her it's only 3 years age difference but I don't think she truly understands the magnitude of the difference in their capabilities. My ds wants to do laser tag/ice skating/theme parks/arcade/cinema etc, stuff not really suitable for a 3 and 1 year old but she still gets offended that I didn't invite her anyway, even if she would have said no. Aibu to continue taking my son where I please or should I extend the invite even if not suitable for her kids?

Just playing devils advocate here.

could she be feeling lonely? Being a stay at home mom can be really lonely. Perhaps she thinks because she’s your sister @RubyPeridot that you will want to spend time with her and that she may just really enjoy your company.

you are of course entitled to spend time alone with your DS, just be honest with her and say that you’re doing a bit of one on one time with him today but let’s do ‘child friendly place’ with the cousins next week?

sometimes someone being ‘overbearing’ is a sign that they really want company and to be involved. It’s not a bad thing she must really love spending time you and your DS.

hugs x

VickyEadieofThigh · 24/01/2023 16:34

Sciurus83 · 03/10/2022 21:01

Don't tell her?

Sounds easy enough to me, too!

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