To not want DS to live with me anymore

[jgc1232]

I've name changed for this as I feel like the worst mum and I've messed up somehow.

My son is 15, I had him at 16, split with his dad when he was a baby as he was abusive but DS would've been only a few months old so he doesn't remember, although he has seen his dad shout at me when he got older. I raised him practically on my own for 4 years as his dad only saw him a handful of times, I then got into a relationship with DP and ex wanted to know then and we agreed every other weekend, although it was more like once every few months as he wasn't reliable at all.

DS had always been hyperactive as a toddler but as soon as he started school he was like this but he'd always tried to be well behaved, I had DS2 - now 7 and he started refusing to see his dad, at the time we thought it was just that he wanted to stay home with us and his brother. As soon as year 7 hit he was like a different boy, we put it down to him being a preteen but he told us his dad was abusing him, we believed him and he hasn't seen his dad since, he has had counselling but he started to refuse to go.

We then went into lockdown, and his behaviour got worse but it was manageable, this year his behaviour is out of my control, got his gf pregnant, his attitude is awful, he's hit me a few times, comes home drunk, smokes weed, skips school- he's only been to school 5 times this academic year and has been sent home 2 of those times for his behaviour.

I'm now at my wits end

I know I'm probably BU but I don't want him to live here anymore

OP you must be at your wits end, how frustrating it must be to just not be able to get through to him.

What kind of conversations do you have with him about his behaviour? Does he have a good relationship with your DP?

If you have younger DC I would call social services and say it's not safe for eldest to stay with you any more.

Sorry, your son disclosed abuse to you ages 11/12 - what kind of abuse? Have you reported it? What specialist help have you got him?

Your son has been damaged by his dad and needs help and support.

Are there any family options to give you some respite?

I've tried asking him why he's behaving like this, punishing him which just results in him telling me to fuck off etc, we had another this evening as I told him he needs to start going to school as it's his gcse year and this is his 3rd week of being off school, he told me to fuck off and to stop interfering in his life and went out, he's not back yet and probably will be drunk or high so won't be able to talk. He is close to DP.

He said it was physical and emotional abuse, I did report it but nothing was really done, I got him counselling which he now refuses to go to.

No family as he is close to BIL but he has a 6 month old so he won't be able to stay there.

Bump

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I don't think you sound like you are BU, you sound very frustrated and upset and I have no advice but know somebody who is going through similar.
It sounds like an absolutely awful situation and I really hope it sorts itself out quickly. It must be so incredibly draining

I'm so sorry, that's really hard. It must be heartbreaking for you when it seems like you aren't getting through to your son. ((hugs))

He came back last night and he’d been smoking weed but I did manage to talk to him and he said he isn't going back to school and he hates it, I asked him what he wants to do instead and he said he doesn't know so I told him it's only a few months and if he gets his gcses he can do an apprenticeship for something he enjoys and I thought I'd got through to him, but today he's refusing to go again so I've taken all his things off of him and told him he can get them back when he goes and he's not going out tonight (although I suspect he will), he's hit me and now I'm sat in tears not knowing what to do and I hate to say it but he's behaving just like his dad

Although he may not remember the abuse he witnessed it does not mean it hasn't impacted him. There are links between the exposure to domestic abuse and brain development - early childhood trauma/adverse childhood experiences. Has he received any support? Has he been open to CAMHS and had any assessment?

Sorry hadn't finished typing. Did you ring the police when he assaulted you? Has there been any social work involvement or early help? Sounds like a difficult situation for you

Bless you, I’m so sorry to hear what you are both going through, his dad has really messed him up and it’s so sad that he’s taking it out on you… hurt people- hurt people as they say, it’s no excuse but he’s so young and acting out because he can’t process his feelings, I know this sounds crazy but could you get high with him and really connect? I went through a similar time with my dd and taking time out for us to get on the same level really helped us, it literally saved our relationship, we got high and talked for hours, cried and came out like a stronger closer unit, she took an overdose before that and I was at my wits end, so it was time for complete connection, rather than shutting her out/punishing her and calling social services etc. (they were involved but honestly useless) as much as you feel unsafe and understandably so, kicking him out at this age will cause massive pain and trauma to him and unless he gets good quality emotional support, (which looks doubtful if he’s not engaging) he may never forgive you and not accept his own failings this situation. Honestly it’s so hard to navigate teens but sometimes you just have to surprise them and show them how much you value them and love them, it’s all they really want but oh boy do they not show it!