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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this could be abusive…

20 replies

Breastfeedingworries · 03/10/2022 15:56

This has happened to a mum friend whose step children attend the same school as my step daughter. we’re more acquaintances but recently become closer ect.

Her step daughters wrist was broken after falling weirdly from a piggy back. She obviously cried and time went past, said friend was drinking with her friends at the house. Think wine nibbles, seemingly civilised but booze involved. The father didn’t know whether to take her a&e. I’m left very conflicted. My friend said things like “ she’s being drama queen, sure she’s fine, she doesn’t need to go” which did sway him into not taking her, and things said like that on Sunday. “You’re milking it, look you’re playing now it caught be hurting, ect”

The wrist was broken 8ish Saturday night,
she didn’t go a&e until today this morning! (Monday obviously)

my “friend” being the one who took her. Not either of her parents. apparently she girl said it didn’t hurt that much as the time it was strained. Only today when getting her dressed her dad accidentally squeezed it and she screamed which is why “friend” said she’d take her.

just feel so sorry for 9 year old whose actually spent nearly a whole weekend without pain relief, with a broken wrist. It doesn’t sit with me at all. Also they lied and got her to lie saying it happened on Sunday. Both her parents are worried it will flag up with social services. my “friend” was massively in the wrong and it’s weird calling her a friend only new recent one.

but why didnt the dad insist? Why didn’t the mum take her. It’s all so strange.
I think the lying could get them in trouble about when they said she did it because of it partially healing.

what should I do? I do believe it was a genuine accident, but the way it was handled just makes me worried. :/

id always just go straight the way, in the event of accident like that. If I’d been drinking I’d have got taxi. If it had been my daughter or step daughter I’d of been having kittens.

help me mumsnet thanks for reading.

OP posts:

SugerNiner · 03/10/2022 16:00

My child's step mum looked at my daughter's wrist and said it wasn't broken. She's obviously an expert as she's a qualified nurse who works in care homes. 🙄 I rang in sick to work and took my daughter to A&E. It was broken. THAT is what at least one adult should have done for that poor child. I'd make a safeguarding referral to school in your shoes, emphasising the fact they lied about when it was done.

CrossStichQueen · 03/10/2022 16:03

My sister was about 11 and fell while roller skating. She said her arm hurt/wrist hurt but she could move it and my parent believed that as she could move it and it wasn't at an odd angle she had probably badly bruised it.
It wasn't until a day later when it was very swollen that they realised it was more than bruised. My sister had also broken her wrist.

My parents felt awful and were not remotely abusive to any of us they just made the wrong call at the time.

If you don't think the parents are abusive then maybe this has shown them that they should have handled this better at the time.

Isaidnoalready · 03/10/2022 16:05

Depends I suppose is the child known for being dramatic?

Dd was she had many accidents the trick was judging which was severe enough to be seen and which was dramatic acting

Original poster

Breastfeedingworries · 03/10/2022 16:06

That’s just it, I don’t think they are abusive I just don’t know what to do or think now :/ this friend “seemed” lovely, she feels terrible it was her saying she was fine ect. She also doesn’t have children and I think she’s struggling she also wouldn’t have the same mothering instinct maybe?

but I feel so uncomfortable about the length of time, thinking of her at night and in pain and it being long time from when it happened to her getting care? And the lie?

OP posts:

Original poster

Breastfeedingworries · 03/10/2022 16:07

This child is known to be dramatic yes.

OP posts:

Isaidnoalready · 03/10/2022 16:07

Also why is the dad getting her dressed? My 9 year old son has sen and I support him dressing but none of my others had needed physical help at this age?

KoalaCape · 03/10/2022 16:08

They have been neglectful to not take her, which is a type of abuse, but at the same time we have no idea if the child frequently cries wolf or did play down the pain a bit. We know A&E is under pressure and we are told not to go there unless absolutely necessary. I'd certainly think twice before rushing there for a sore wrist unless I was very sure it was a genuine injury and not just a bruise; I will say that if it lasted a weekend I'd have definitely taken my DCs a bit earlier even if DH didn't think it was necessary.

If it's making you worry then perhaps you could let the school know that they told the hospital it happened on a different day as this is a bit odd. You never know, there may be no previous concerns for this child or there may be many on record in the school.

I suppose the fact they did take her and weren't made to take her by school staff is a positive? That would have really raised red flags to me.

Sunnyqueen · 03/10/2022 16:08

I broke my wrist in 3 places and waited 2 days to go to a and e because honestly it didn't really hurt much, there was no bruise and only slightly swollen. I was 90 percent sure I'd just sprained it but ended up going just in case and was really shocked when they said it was broken in 3 places. It's not great that they've lied about when it was done but I can see why. If this is literally the only time you've ever been concerned about them I wouldn't report them I'm sure it will be a lesson learned.

Wibbli · 03/10/2022 16:12

My mum sent my brother to school with a broken leg (he said it hurt but was able to hobble about!). Some kids milk things (my DD for instance!) and others don’t cry loud enough! They should’ve been honest with the hospital though, as she could’ve done more damage to it over the past few days.

Trollcity · 03/10/2022 16:14

@Breastfeedingworries what are you actually asking? Are you asking permission to report your 'friend' for leaving a child in pain for 40+ because she was too busy having 'wine nibbles' or are you looking for permission not to report it so if and when something like this happens again, you can say, oh everyone on MN told me it was OK so I'm absolved of all responsibility on a safeguarding front?

Were you there Saturday night partaking in these alcoholic nibbles? Somehow complicit in agreeing that the child didn't need medical attention in case the evening ccae to an unwanted early conclusion. Is this where the guilt and indecision is coming from?

Only you know your 'friend', her child, their living situation etc so only you can decide what to do

Tiswa · 03/10/2022 16:19

DS on holiday slipped and landed on his wrist. We were up a mountain got a support and then did the final day. Then flew back and my god did he scream on the plane. Straight to A&E and it had been fractured
which by the way I suspect is the same here a small hairline fracture - 10 days in plaster and all fixed

i was completely honest with them about the timeline (fall on Thursday this was Sat pm). How he was v different to when he broke his leg (when you just knew) and it wasn’t until it swelled up on the plane we knew it was fractured rather than sprained

nothing came of it

whats more concerning is the comments not the holding off - that is with these things fairly common

neilyoungismyhero · 03/10/2022 16:24

Obviously it wasn't that painful following the fall otherwise I'm pretty sure they couldn't have ignored it. I was involved in a fall, went to hospital, they advised my back was badly bruised..I was walking albeit felt stiff and it was painful. Thirty hours later I couldn't get out of bed and subsequently found out I'd broken my back. Even major injuries can be overlooked for various reasons.

TheSausageKingofChicago · 03/10/2022 16:25

My kids are grown up now and I know of many children who have walked around with a broken bone for a day or two,, one of mine included.
The fact is, as soon as they realised she was really in pain, they took her. It’s not great, but fractured wrists, which this probably was, can be hard to judge.

Original poster

Breastfeedingworries · 03/10/2022 16:53

I wasn’t thinking of reporting her no, just made me feel sad for the girl and I was working it all out in my head. Whether it was abusive or not and should or shouldn’t be reported. So glad had views on this :/ xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Breastfeedingworries · 03/10/2022 16:54

Also no I wasn’t there, we’re new friends, just past the hello stage and meeting at parks, certainly not at drinking and hanging out without children stage. I suppose I was thinking we’d get there as she’s very funny outgoing person but now this has made me have second thoughts about our friendship. Thanks for mumsnet opinions on this.

OP posts:

ThinkingForEveryone · 03/10/2022 17:24

If she wasn't drinking and still made the call not to take her to A&E would you be so bothered about the situation?

Trollcity · 03/10/2022 17:35

@Breastfeedingworries wasn’t thinking of reporting her no, just made me feel sad for the girl and I was working it all out in my head. Whether it was abusive or not and should or shouldn’t be reported.

A bit contradictory. If you weren't thinking of reporting but you were wondering whether it was abusive and should be reported...who were you hoping/expecting should report it?

I'm not trying to imply you should or shouldn't report but it all - as I meant was, as you're the one who was worried enough all weekend and then felt compelled to ask people's opinions on MN, I guess I was just questioning what you were hoping to get out of people's replies? Will any one person's opinion influence you one way or another as to whether to take any action, to contine the friendship, to take a step back, to not allow your own DC to be over there unsupervised?

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 17:46

Also no I wasn’t there, we’re new friends, just past the hello stage and meeting at parks, certainly not at drinking and hanging out without children stage.

If you weren’t there how come you know so much about what happened?

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 17:48

My DD broke a bone and it was at least 2 days before I got it checked as she was carrying on as normal.

I only got it checked as the swelling hadn’t gone down and her teacher said that’s what happened to his child and it turned out to be broken.

They must feel absolutely awful.

Your concern seems a bit fake though.

Georgeskitchen · 03/10/2022 18:26

Why would you report your friend? She's the step mother. Its the parents responsibility so if you're reporting anyone it's the parents. Perhaps you could call it borderline neglect. My son age about 13 punched a wall. Next day his hand was swollen. I gave him an ice pack. Next day still swollen so informed him we would go to a&E early the following morning as I wasn't prepared to sit waiting for hours because he punched a wall.
Went 8am on a Wednesday morning when a&e was dead. Went straight in , xrayed and he had broken his hand. Was I neglectful? Maybe
Was my son an idiot for punching a wall? Definitely 😉

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