How can we sort this family mess out

[Aggypanthus]

My mother just died so the family is still grieving understandably but I cannot for the life of me comprehend why people have to make life even more difficult than it already is.
When she died, it was unexpected but entirely a surprise as she was very old. My sister was with her. I arrived shortly before and we were together at the bedside when she passed.
I had the job of telling the rest of the family. My sons were both informed and they came to the house. The oldest was told first, the younger one was unfortunately told that because his wife is a trouble stirrer that he had to come alone which he did not like one bit.
The rest of the family were told after this.
My sons hardly speak because of the youngest one's wife. I feel like piggy in the middle all of the time and wonder what I could possibly so to heal this rift

I cannot for the life of me comprehend why people have to make life even more difficult than it already is.

Some people seem to be wired this way, either in grief or all the bloomin' time!

I think it might be a good idea for you to get a small amount of counselling ASAP to be able to articulate exactly how you really feel about everything in an environment where you can be brutally honest, and talk through strategies to sort of distance yourself from this behaviour in a mindful or people-watching way, while working through the practicalities and dealing with these folk.

I am doing the same for something different (not a bereavement) over a course of 6 weeks, via a charity that gives counselling locally, and it is making a big difference to how I am handling things and how stressed I am (not).

Later on, get some more counselling to work through the less acute stages of grief and the aftermath of it all.

Sorry for your loss

I had the job of telling the rest of the family... the younger one was unfortunately told that because his wife is a trouble stirrer that he had to come alone which he did not like one bit.

So you were the person who "unfortunately" told your son that his wife was a "trouble stirrer"?

Charles, is that you?

Bless you both for taking this seriously. I apologise for this dreadful thread and am amazed I pulled it off

@tiddlywinks2 · Today 13:06
Charles, is that you?

Yes ..LOL

Lol! How do you know they don't speak because of the youngest one's wife? Or did you just read that in the paper?

I’m sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

You can’t heal any rifts, particularly if there is a widespread feeling in the family that no one likes your daughter-in-law.

Just try to minimise any inevitable points of aggro e.g. around the funeral and who dues what/sits where/travels with whom.

Oh well. My advice was relevant for a non Royal Family!

Tedious