Need your thoughts

[Purpledaze77]

My dh wants to go on multiple friends big Birthday night outs (Overnight stays) and a couple of long weekend stag dos next year. That’s just what’s in the diary now, so I’m addition to regular nights out.
He’s the sahp and I have a job as a lawyer, so very long hours at times, stress etc
We have 2 kids, young baby and toddler.
AIBU to ask him to just accept some of these? Or limit to just night outs not weekends away?
The baby is a bad sleeper, appreciate that might change by next year, toddler up a few times a week. I need my weekends to get some sort of rest/sleep!
Just feeling stressed about the diary piling up already for next year

Blimey! How on earth does he expect you to cope! Were you consulted at all?

He's being wildly unreasonable unless you have similar freedom in the diary next year

He’s mentioned his mum can help if necessary but it’s been a disaster the one time we tried that, plus she’s retired and it doesn’t feel right! They are lively kids.
He’s mentioned them all but then I feel like the bad person saying I’m not happy or saying he can’t do it all. I wish he’d just not mention and work out what is reasonable or not before approaching me. It just feels like a big guilt trip but he sees it as consulting me by raising each thing that he’s been asked to

Why are you interfering in his social life? Birthday parties and stag dos are important events for people. Single mothers cope absolutely fine 365 days of the year, so I don't see why you won't be able to cope for a few nights out of a whole year

@Grandeur i have complete respect for single mums, but we are in a relationship and we have agreed that I hold this long hour, high pressure job and he’s the sahp so that I’m able to do that. I’m able to earn much more than he was able to, hence the decision. If I was a single mum, I really think I couldn’t do this job or would need a live in nanny at least.
I’m not stopping his social life but it’s about being considerate of your partner surely? I could go on long work trips ( when I stop bf) but I wouldn’t leave him for days with two kids, unless I didn’t have a choice.
Like I said, I’m just asking him to be reasonable and not plan in loads of nights out/ weekends away, of course he needs a social life and I actually booked him a trip away with friends and nights out for his recent birthday

It's not realistic. Your job is highly demanding and if you were a single parent you'd probably be hiring a nanny as you can't work at that level with all the hours and attention to detail it demands AND get no sleep or rest.
When the kids are sleeping and a bit older it's different.
As the sole earner you can't risk your job you've got to be on top of your game.
What's the betting he's got friends who would advise him if being under the thumb if he doesn't go.
A real adult looks at the actual practicalities and makes decisions based on facts. It's a shame stag do's and birthdays are occurring when he's eyeball deep in very young children but he can't just ignore that and expect you to cope.
He must have a plan that doesn't just involve dropping you in it if he doesn't want to miss out (which is understandable, but shouldn't be the main driver in his decision making)

Accuse him of that should say

Single mothers cope absolutely fine 365 days of the year

Do we now? Yes, it was entirely a breeze when I was one...

If this was the case single parents wouldn't need additional financial and other support in the system* would they?

(*which is being trashed by successive governments but that's another story)

He ought to have thought about what was reasonable. You looking after the kids single-handed that often at the weekend, what with your hours/type of job might not be reasonable next year, especially if it co-incides with e.g. being in court on Monday morning or some other big milestone in a case. I worry that the dynamic in your relationship is a bit off OP in terms of not being able to discuss things properly. However being a SAHP to two little ones is really hard work and it can be hard to understand the other parent's work pressures, as both sets of pressures are very different and it can be very easy to both think their side of things is harder and more unrelenting. So perhaps he sees this as being a reasonable break from being on duty for almost all of 7 days a week the whole rest of the time. It depends exactly how much of the physical and mental burden he takes on for all the other things that go on in the household (which is often called "women's work"). You two need to have a proper discussion about what is reasonable when and why/why not.

If you change the sexes round you'd get a different response I expect. If his mother's willing to help I don't see a problem, you won't have to do everything singlehanded. If there's any near the deadlines for work maybe flag these as being problematic?

I totally agree with Cleopatra. OP you have an agreement re family roles and your DH’s implied role is not only to care for your DC but to support you in securing a good level of income for your family unit.
What if the roles were reversed? I’m sure many would say OP was unreasonable to expect her DH undertaking a high stress job to take over the childcare while she went away on numerous weekend trips.
Practicalities must come first and leisure activities take second place at mutually agreed times.
OP tell him he cannot take the engagements he has accepted as “given” and the timing needs to be discussed and agreed to nearer the time. With two such tiny DC and your work it is impossible to foresee what the future situation will be, that he, as well as you and the DC are dependent on your income. The alternative would be for him to find employment and use his salary to pay for a nanny!
For what it is worth I’m familiar with your occupation and the need for accuracy etc and fatigue is dynamite

@Pushyoupullme I agree, his job is relentless. I do help as much as I can, I was up with the toddler late last night for example.
I do appreciate his role can be a bit thankless and unrewarding, he loved working and his mates do tease him as most of them work. I’m really conscious of the stress he has too and the need for a break. I suppose my biggest worry is weekends away and I have a deadline that week. I don’t know dates etc for next year yet.
@Longdarkcloud agree that perhaps discussing closer to the events might work better. I don’t want to ‘stop’ him doing anything but also don’t want to mess up my work as exhausted and get fired! My team has been reduced a lot that way already

I think @Pushyoupullme post was wise, there isn't a problem here if you can both understand each others position and properly listen and talk.
This is only an issue if your needs come lower down the priority list than his wants and 2-way conversation isn't an option.
It is tough being sahp to baby and toddler, a break is lovely (I did that, needed a break sometimes) but it's not always as simple as that.
Some things are non-negotiable and meeting your work demands is one.
It's a tricky one if he has to be buying tickets and things. I hope you can talk and he doesn't dismiss your concerns, it sounds like you aren't dismissing his pov, so fingers crossed.