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AIBU?

to hope for a birthday present

10 replies

parakeet23 · 03/10/2022 10:05

When I got together with my husband he earned money by proofreading (as little as possible) and spent the rest of his time on his music. I had a good job, and he had just been given a small amount for some music he'd done, he moved to where I live and gave up the proofreading. whenever I suggested he could do that again he either says it's not possible or that he'd rather kill himself. He's occasionally - on my strong suggestion - applied for other work, but when I saw one application he virtually said he didn't want the job (that particular employer sent a note saying they didn't want to interview him but they were curious to meet him if he wanted to stop by - he never did. He spends every spare moment 'working' but this could be listening to music, going to see an art exhibition as well as the actual music. He last was paid for anything about 6 years ago - 8 grand. The rest of the time I have no choice but support us. When he met me I had a fun job but it was unreliable and through family bereavement I now run the family firm which I loathe - I realise I am lucky as it just about pays all the bills, but I feel totally humiliated by having a husband who has always expected me to pay for everything from his haircuts to my own birthday supper in a restaurant - I didn't mind this when he had no money, but it really hurt when he got his payment (which I helped him to get) and nothing changed. This year he was due to go away to work on his music just after my birthday but I asked him to go the day before - but my birthday was my teenage kids bringing me cards and coffee in the morning, with lots of promises of what they were planning coming to zero. I kind of pointed out to them that if you want to, like, make a cake, you need to start by buying ingredients and working out when you're going to do it... they felt awful, I felt awful, but I'm the only person who makes an effort on things like birthdays in the house. My Dad went on holiday, friends all busy, mum is dead, estranged from my brother. I have been married 15 years and have not had sex for the last 12 - my husband found me very unattractive while pregnant and after and after stumbling on his porn stash - barely legal - I have zero interest in that anymore anyway. My children are my greatest joy, but as they hit teen years I realise that this period is coming to an end and feel only dread even though I know that the relationship with grown up children can be so special, and ai have no reason to think it worn't be for us, but it's dawning on me how utterly different that will be. I realise this is a bit of an accidental outpouring - I suspect I'm adhd and also suspect husband is on the autism spectrum - both very recent realisations. Husband gets very cross if I mention him not working, any past grievances etc. other times we get on really well. I never know what will set him off - sometimes something really tiny. I've never confronted him about the porn - what would be the point - but....... what do I do now?

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Am I being unreasonable?

11 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
GreyTCat · 03/10/2022 10:09

LTB - best birthday gift you’ll get yourself.

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Sophfreddie · 03/10/2022 10:12

Leave him! It sounds horrible!

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TwinMama88 · 03/10/2022 10:14

"I have no choice but to support us"

Mate...yes you do have a choice.
He is lazy and leeching off you. Don't be standing for that. He will never get a job and pay his share because he doesn't need to.
You tell him, you either get a job or you move out. Simple.
It is just not acceptable for you to be working so hard just for him to enjoy his leisure time.

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sunflowerandivy · 03/10/2022 10:14

I think you will be so much happier if you leave him. I'm sorry you've been lumbered with a loser husband. You sound self sufficient and there's so much more to life than this! Read Helen Thorns book "Get Divorced, Be Happy". She's a real inspiration for anyone who is in their 40s and getting out of a long marriage.

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Heyisforhorses · 03/10/2022 10:24

You deserve happiness. This man doesn't make you happy. "Barely legal" porn is the nail. Get out of the relationship and live the happy life you know is out there somewhere. Good luck.

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parakeet23 · 03/10/2022 19:24

Thank you so much for reading such a long outpouring - and for such encouragement, even if what everyone suggests is such a terrifying step. It took me a while to decipher LTB - I was thinking LBD, which seemed like an odd response. I dread the conflict and the thought of causing misery, but I don't feel we set a great example to the children either, and I wonder what my mum would have said. I think birthdays etc bring it to a head as it just seems so stark. If he is Aspergers/ spectrum etc then it maybe finally makes sense of the fact that he seems genuinely to think he is 'devoted' to me, when it doesn't seem that way to me at all. Not sure it makes it any better. Can anyone relate? I would be really interested to know what people think about the Barely Legal stuff (it's a magazine called that) - I found it horrifying and ultimately kind of pathetic- as obviously it's yet another thing I can't talk to anyone about.

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sunflowerandivy · 04/10/2022 10:28

Oh my god, Barely Legal? That's vile. That's 16 year olds. Absolutely grotesque. I'm pretty happy for my DH to watch and view porn but if I found out it was barely legal teens he'd be out the door in a flash. I would not hesitate (and he's an amazing husband and father). Vile.

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sunflowerandivy · 04/10/2022 10:33

Also, if he's turned on by young girls who are barely legal, I'm sure he'd equally like "almost legal" girls too. Yuck yuck yuck. Kick him out!

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sunflowerandivy · 08/10/2022 06:49

Hi @parakeet23 how are you?

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strawberry2017 · 08/10/2022 06:54

You found the worst type of man child.
Get rid. You are getting nothing from this relationship.
tell him to pack his bags and go or better yet pack them for them and leave them by the door for when he next gets home.

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