When I got together with my husband he earned money by proofreading (as little as possible) and spent the rest of his time on his music. I had a good job, and he had just been given a small amount for some music he'd done, he moved to where I live and gave up the proofreading. whenever I suggested he could do that again he either says it's not possible or that he'd rather kill himself. He's occasionally - on my strong suggestion - applied for other work, but when I saw one application he virtually said he didn't want the job (that particular employer sent a note saying they didn't want to interview him but they were curious to meet him if he wanted to stop by - he never did. He spends every spare moment 'working' but this could be listening to music, going to see an art exhibition as well as the actual music. He last was paid for anything about 6 years ago - 8 grand. The rest of the time I have no choice but support us. When he met me I had a fun job but it was unreliable and through family bereavement I now run the family firm which I loathe - I realise I am lucky as it just about pays all the bills, but I feel totally humiliated by having a husband who has always expected me to pay for everything from his haircuts to my own birthday supper in a restaurant - I didn't mind this when he had no money, but it really hurt when he got his payment (which I helped him to get) and nothing changed. This year he was due to go away to work on his music just after my birthday but I asked him to go the day before - but my birthday was my teenage kids bringing me cards and coffee in the morning, with lots of promises of what they were planning coming to zero. I kind of pointed out to them that if you want to, like, make a cake, you need to start by buying ingredients and working out when you're going to do it... they felt awful, I felt awful, but I'm the only person who makes an effort on things like birthdays in the house. My Dad went on holiday, friends all busy, mum is dead, estranged from my brother. I have been married 15 years and have not had sex for the last 12 - my husband found me very unattractive while pregnant and after and after stumbling on his porn stash - barely legal - I have zero interest in that anymore anyway. My children are my greatest joy, but as they hit teen years I realise that this period is coming to an end and feel only dread even though I know that the relationship with grown up children can be so special, and ai have no reason to think it worn't be for us, but it's dawning on me how utterly different that will be. I realise this is a bit of an accidental outpouring - I suspect I'm adhd and also suspect husband is on the autism spectrum - both very recent realisations. Husband gets very cross if I mention him not working, any past grievances etc. other times we get on really well. I never know what will set him off - sometimes something really tiny. I've never confronted him about the porn - what would be the point - but....... what do I do now?