Always feel depressed after being around my mother.

[Pd1]

I really need help with how to deal with this. I’m currently very happy and have a lovely life but every single time I spend even just one hour with my mum I feel so sad. She always calls me names and makes me feel awful about myself. I have really low self esteem but I’m finally getting to the stage where I’m starting to like myself only for her to knock me down again. I’ll give you some examples.
As I was growing up she used to say things to me like I love you but I don’t like you, you’re selfish, you’re a bitch etc. she told me that she wanted to get me adopted when I was a baby and hated me. I always had a huge fear of being abandoned when I was a child and was very clingy and thought she would just leave me places. I’ve since realised that this is because I wasn’t securely attached. When I was about 15 I went through a stage where I would starve myself and I lost a lot of weight and my mum knew about this and took me to the doctors etc. When I was about 22 she said to me one day you’re fat, I said no I’m not and she kept on saying yes you are, yes you are and laughing. I was a size ten at the time so nowhere near overweight. She then got a photo out of me from when I starved myself and said you look great here.
When I was about 14 she went into a local restaurant and asked the owner if he needed a waitress on a Saturday and volunteered me to work there without even giving me a say in the matter. I was a painfully shy teenager and I really hated it. I used to come home and say I didn’t want to do it anymore and she wouldn’t let me stop. I was only 14 so it’s not like I can look back on it and think well you should have had a job at that age. Years later I asked her why and she said she just wanted me out the house.
I recently got married this year and she completely ruined my day. She sat there all day with a face on giving people really dirty looks. I felt mortified and it’s all people were talking about the next day. She also didn’t once tell me I looked nice but one of the only things she said to me on the day was can I wear your dress on my wedding day. I’m not even joking, those were some of the only words she said to me. Yesterday we went out for a meal and she told me I was such a cow when I was a teenager. I have no doubt that I wasn’t an easy teenager. I had really bad mental health problems and hormones going crazy. I also remember feeling that we were very different people and she would frustrate me like no one else in the world can. She’s so different to me and definitely brings out my worst side. My husband always says I’m lovely and one of the nicest people he knows and I feel like I’m my real self with him because he treats me with respect. But the way she said I was a cow yesterday has really hurt me yet again and I feel like all I want to do is cry. I always come away from spending any time with her feeling absolutely awful and sad.
How do I deal with this? I really don’t want to confront her because she’s impossible to talk to about things like this.

Me too OP, and I'm in my 60's!
I was driving there one day and I just thought all the valium in the world won't make any difference to the dread I feel going to her house.
I decided to move 300 miles away and haven't seen them for 4 years.
They have never once said, we'd love to see you it's been so long, or come and stay for your birthday, or how are you, how is work.
I've had to accept that they just don't care and get on with my life. It helps when you live a long way away, the distance makes you feel safe.

Also counselling on your own really helps, it helped me to sort things out in my mind and I realised where my anxiety came from, I'm on drugs for that now which help a lot.
It helps you see what is acceptable family life and what isn't. I used to tell myself I was being over sensitive but my counsellor showed me that they were toxic and I needed to protect myself and be safe.

Happy to hear you're getting therapy. It will help a lot.
The other recommendations for books, stately homes thread, etc. are solid too.

I had a toxic mother. It took years to go no contact and I did break it a few times which was a mistake.
She's passed now and its been a relief. That sounds bad, but the damage they do is just horrible.

It is clear OP's DM, is indeed abusive but is she aware that her use of language is causing you distress? Is she a poor communicator?

Seriously? If she's abusive, which she clearly is, then she is not simply "a poor communicator."

Did she mean when she said "Can I wear your dress on my wedding day?" A compliment as to how lovely your choice of dress is or an attempt to make the day about her?

Was it a compliment or an attempt to make the day about her? I would think sitting there with a shitty look on her face scowling at all the other guests to the point everyone was talking about it the next day suggests the latter.

She may well be awful, but labelling her as a demon/ narcissist with no redeeming qualities is not healthy either( not you OP but other posters).

Actually, labelling her as toxic, using whatever language that seems apt at the time, is helpful. Hope dies hard in our childish hearts, and the OP needs to stay strong in herself and seek help, not find more excuses to "understand" why her mother treats her like shit, and leaves her depressed.

You sound lovely OP and your mother sounds like a very bitter and unhappy person.

I have a mother who likes to put me down, make passive aggressive comments and overpraise everyone else whenever we have a conversation - just to rub in that everyone else is great and I'm rubbish. Like you I used to come away feeling really depressed whenever I saw her, then one particular incident happened about 4 years ago and something just snapped. I took a huge step back, went low contact and started being friendly but disconnected, like I would be with a stranger. It really helped me but drove her mad. She started being nice to me, trying to reel me back in, but it was too late, something had snapped and that's still the case. Perhaps this is a method you could think about adopting. My mother has been in hospital recently, so I've had far more contact with her than usual but I treat her like I would a neighbour I felt obliged to help - I help out, do what needs doing then just say "Ok I'm off now. Let me know if you need anything."

I'm not saying it's easy, but it really works for me.

Similar story for me. I tried to make a good relationship between us but gave up in early 40s and then didn't see her for the next 20 years. She died this year and I didn't go to the funeral. No regrets.

arghtriffid, please stop it. OP is traumatised by years of this abusive relationship - just read her posts, for goodness’ sake.
I am a retired doctor, and survivor of an abusive childhood at the hands of a narc mother, and I am appalled that you would make such an inappropriate and harmful suggestion as trying to reconcile with the abuser.
If you cannot be helpful, at least stop trying to making things worse, by arguing with professional advice.

You can't change the past but you can change the future. Cut her off.

any therapy your mum should engage in is her own therapy and then possibly relationship therapy with yourself if both parties are willing and wanting to engage

my mum thinks therapy is naval gazing. I personally don’t want to engage in therapy with her I don’t want our relationship taking up any more energy or time than it has regardless of how she feels (she may one day realise her mistakes but I wouldn’t put money on it) I no longer care much for my mother and I’m fine with that

therapy is difficult you will have to let go of what you feel you want and need in your relationship as it’s not there and what you feel the relationship should be that so hard but it’s freeing

best of luck

I fucked mine off. Was the best thing I did. Couldn't give a toss what she says to other people though. It's the best feeling not having to put up with the constant projection of the hatred of herself.

Tell her nothing about your life. If she puts you down, hang up or leave immediately. Know your self worth, the way she is with you is all about her, it's not about you.

Please don't suggest counselling Shell use it against you if she agrees. It won't help.