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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with my Mum for not letting my sister round her house?

22 replies

Sophie9090 · 03/10/2022 07:46

This is a slightly complicated situation so I will try to break it down without going on too much.

My sisters are both in their 30s and they do not get on at all, they have had some big arguments in the past. One of my sisters lives at my mums house still as she has very bad mental health issues, extremely depressed and anxious, paranoid, she has no life she depends on my mum for almost everything. My other sister is the opposite very independent, although she still suffers with depression but just hides it more, it might be worth noting this sister is hard work though, tends to get into arguments with family members over small things and you kind of have to walk on eggshells around her.

she went to visit my Mum at her house for the first time in years, my Mum got very worried as her other daughter with mental health problems gets so anxious and doesn’t like her being in the house. So my mum asked if she wouldn’t visit at the house again. She got upset and now doesn’t want anything to do with my Mum. Do you think my Mum is being out of order? I feel like a Mum shouldn’t make her own child feel unwelcome, I mean it’s not like she goes round regularly and would only visit for an hour or so.

it feels like she is being over protective of my sister that lives with her, if I was my sister I would feel so hurt. I mean my sister that doesn’t live with my Mum is the odd one out of the family, bit of a drama queen, so I don’t want to take sides then lose my family who I have a close bond with, but I also feel bad not defending her.

I don’t know, why are family’s so complicated?

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 03/10/2022 07:47

If you’re a difficult person to be around you have to accept people don’t want you around.

So it’s your sisters fault. Nothing to do with your mum.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 03/10/2022 07:49

YANBU. It’s really shut having to tip toe round people, MH issues or not, and it’s really mean of your mum to not allow her own daughter into her home. I think a lot of grips need to be grabbed in your family!

Merryoldgoat · 03/10/2022 07:50

it might be worth noting this sister is hard work though, tends to get into arguments with family members over small things and you kind of have to walk on eggshells around her.

I wouldn’t want someone like this around me either.

5foot5 · 03/10/2022 07:56

YellowTreeHouse · 03/10/2022 07:47

If you’re a difficult person to be around you have to accept people don’t want you around.

So it’s your sisters fault. Nothing to do with your mum.

But you could apply this description to either sister by the sound of it.

I agree with OP really that it sounds like the DM is very much favouring one sister over the other.

Original poster
Sophie9090 · 03/10/2022 07:57

To be honest I think I made her out worse than she is, you can have conversation with her she doesn’t start arguing with you randomly, it’s more she feels left out easily and you have to be careful to make her feel included with plans etc

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 16/11/2022 06:17

Both sisters sound like hard work.

PermanentTemporary · 16/11/2022 06:29

I can't help feeling mostly for your Mum, her life sounds ruined tbh due to being a carer for your sister.

Your other sister also sounds extremely hard work. Id imagine that your Mum really struggled with the dynamics between you all growing up, and she still does.

So in a way, yeah, your Mum should be able to welcome all of you to her house (if she wants to) and she'sin the wrong on the surface of it. But she's just trying to find the path of least pain and resistance with your ill sister.

Is there any plan to find independent support for your ill sister? One day your Mum will be too old to care for her, and she's already making relationships more difficult

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/11/2022 06:32

I can't help feeling mostly for your Mum, her life sounds ruined tbh due to being a carer for your sister.

I agree. Your poor mum. Thats who you should be feeling sorry for OP.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 16/11/2022 06:34

Sounds like your mum is in a very difficult situation and could be genuinely just trying to protect the sister which is just a maternal instinct. Assume your mum and the visiting sister could meet elsewhere as a compromise, doesn’t have to be made into a huge drama.

TeenDivided · 16/11/2022 06:36

It is incredibly difficult dealing with conflicting needs of daughters, especially where mental health issues are concerned.

Ihavedogs · 16/11/2022 07:15

No your Mum is not our of order in not wanting a difficult person in the home she shares with one of your sisters due to the behaviour and atmosphere created by the difficult person.

Taking the family aspect out of it, I am not sure that any of use would welcome with open arms someone into our home who creates arguments and issues with those of us who live there.

Perhaps if the difficult sister can’t behave, your Mum needs to meet her elsewhere.

MichelleScarn · 16/11/2022 07:18

Sophie9090 · 03/10/2022 07:57

To be honest I think I made her out worse than she is, you can have conversation with her she doesn’t start arguing with you randomly, it’s more she feels left out easily and you have to be careful to make her feel included with plans etc

It's a bit understandable why she feels like this, given that her mum gives in to the demands of her sibling as to whether she is allowed to see her mum or and be in the family home! Sister at home seems more of the controlling one!

safetyfreak · 16/11/2022 07:20

Sophie9090 · 03/10/2022 07:57

To be honest I think I made her out worse than she is, you can have conversation with her she doesn’t start arguing with you randomly, it’s more she feels left out easily and you have to be careful to make her feel included with plans etc

Your mum proved your sister point then!

It is very out of order from your mum. If I was your sister I be very upset.

Likewhatever · 16/11/2022 07:22

I feel for your poor mum too. Caring for someone with very poor mental health is incredibly hard. She’ll be the one dealing with the fallout if your sister creates tension when she visits.

I understand why she feels left out if she’s had her own MH issues but she needs to be a grown up about this. Instead of complaining she could help your mum by taking her out for lunch or coffee so she gets a break.

InternetRandom · 16/11/2022 07:24

'Feels left out easily' - is this one of those things where if you just went to the supermarket without her and she found out it would be 'I see you didn't ask me, I could have done with picking up some stuff' ?

I do feel sorry for your mum.

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/11/2022 07:30

Your sister who feels left out may well be difficult becasue she feels she is being pushed out of her own family and is trying to assert her position as a member of the family as well.

I've been there, the sibling pushed out because another sibling's needs were deemed higher. It sucks.

Your mum is in an impossible position though, she's damned by one if she does, and by the other if she does not.

But; you need to stay well out of this as it will not end well. I no longer speak to my sister much as she got involved with my parents and matters which did not concern her. She positioned herself well within the family and has benefited while I was cast out.

If you are seen as the 'flying monkey' - the go between for your sisters and mother, it is you who will end up suffering while they carry on as they are.

Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 07:33

I imagine the ‘banned’ sister is ‘hard work’ as you say, because she’s the ‘odd one out’. Bring othered and scapegoated all your life is fucking miserable.

Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 07:34

Sophie9090 · 03/10/2022 07:57

To be honest I think I made her out worse than she is, you can have conversation with her she doesn’t start arguing with you randomly, it’s more she feels left out easily and you have to be careful to make her feel included with plans etc

Probably because your family has left her out. You describe her as the odd one out. I imagine her being ‘hard work’ stems from her treatment growing up.

Likewhatever · 16/11/2022 07:53

I also agree with others that your “difficult” sister may well feel that no-one is noticing her problems because everyone is so focussed on the sister at home. She has a point. Your mum needs to find time for her, but your sister needs to meet her halfway and not add to the incredible strain she must be living under.

RandomMusings7 · 16/11/2022 07:58

Herejustforthisone · 16/11/2022 07:33

I imagine the ‘banned’ sister is ‘hard work’ as you say, because she’s the ‘odd one out’. Bring othered and scapegoated all your life is fucking miserable.

Yep. This was my first impression too.

Is she the difficult one or is she simply the only one with boundaries who is not afraid to rock the boat when needed and who refuses to coddle the favourite sister? Donno, but it's not all black and white

MichelleScarn · 16/11/2022 08:03

It must also feel pretty shit and unloved to also have MH problems but have these ignored. Does she actually 'hide them well' or know that they're not seen as important as sister at home (who gets to decide who's allowed in the home...)

FourChimneys · 16/11/2022 08:07

Your poor mum. What do you all do to show her how much you appreciate how difficult her situation is?

Does she get a break?

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