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AIBU?

It's a marital relations one...

17 replies

usernameforthispost · 02/10/2022 22:32

Name changed for this because colleagues of us both are on here. Aibu to ask - in a marriage where the people have differing sex drives, should it always be a compromise between the 2, should the one with the lower drive do more so that the other doesn't feel neglected/unwanted or should the one with the higher drive accept and accommodate the one with the lower drive?
Aibu to say the 3rd option should happen??

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 02/10/2022 22:36

Well the person with the lower sex drive ought to be careful as many a marriage has ended due to this issue. So if they want to stay married then they need to make some sort of effort!

not sure why your colleagues would have any clue you were posting about your sex life 🤣🤣🤣

ReluctantCourier · 02/10/2022 22:38

What’s the 3rd option?

usernameforthispost · 02/10/2022 22:42

The one with the higher sex drive should accept less sex than they'd like.

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 02/10/2022 22:43

Is your third option that you want to have sex with other people and your wife/husband?

OneLittleLady · 02/10/2022 22:44

no ones right or wrong though so it shouldn't all be given to one persons feelings. it should be a compromise on both sides, so both sides are getting some of what they need

usernameforthispost · 02/10/2022 22:44

It's not something I feel comfortable talking about with work colleagues.
So the one with the lower drive should do what makes the other one happy then?

OP posts:
MarigoldPetals · 02/10/2022 22:44

Both should compromise obviously.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 02/10/2022 22:45

What is the third option....?

Overandunderit · 02/10/2022 22:46

Consider unconventional relationships? I.e. open relationships with set rules

biggirlknickers · 02/10/2022 22:46

I agree with third option, and I say that as the partner with the higher sex drive in my relationship.

I couldn’t contemplate DP doing things with me if he didn’t feel like it.

I’m more than capable of seeing to my own needs!

RandomMess · 02/10/2022 22:47

The one with the higher sex drive needs to put in the effort so the other partner is more interested. Quite often that effort ranges from them doing their share around the house and with kids, non sexual intimacy- emotional and sexual.

Both parties need to be realistic and communicate.

Feel unloved and unwanted massively contributes to low self esteem.

YellowTreeHouse · 02/10/2022 22:48

The lower sex drive shouldn’t have to do anything they don’t want to do.

But equally they shouldn’t expect the higher sex drive to put up with little to no sex and should be aware that it could be a dealbreaker.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 22:48

I would say within the boundaries of an otherwise happy relationship and within moderate limits, the person with the higher sex drive is the one who has to do most of the compromising.

No should be forced to have sex they don't want to as a condition of their marriage remaining intact. So if you want sex every night of the week and your partner wants it once a fortnight you're going to have to go without some of the time.

That said, it's also not reasonable for a person to be expected to remain in a marriage without sex indefinitely, and excluding medical factors or issues such as mental illness or crisis, a complete lack of libido isn't a great endorsement of the health of a marriage anyway.

If the libidos are very strikingly mismatched over a long period of time and compromise is making either partner unhappy, there are probably bigger problems in the marriage.

knittingaddict · 02/10/2022 23:11

There should be compromise on both sides if they both want the marriage to survive. The sex drives should meet somewhere in the middle and both should recognise that the other partner has compromised and appreciate that.

NoseyNellie · 02/10/2022 23:13

I think you’ve boiled this down to a simplistic question when it’s not a simple situation. Ideally people work out that they have differing sex drives before they commit to a LTR and/or only pair up with someone with a similar appetite. However, world isn’t ideal, sex drives can change over time etc etc.

while marriage is based on compromise yadda yadda, simply saying this is a straight down the middle compromise situation is problematic as you are essentially telling the low sex drive person to have sex when they don’t want it… and since we’re all trying to do a little better with understanding both consent and coercive relationships nowadays (“you have to, you promised!” not winning chat up line of the year) it requires more nuance than that.

So the ‘compromise’ element in this situation is not so much A wants it twice a week (or 8 times a month), B wants it once a month, therefore (8+1)/2 = 4.5 shags a month must be had

The complex/nuanced concept of compromise is having some good discussions about how to avoid conflict in this area and looking at individual ‘coping’ strategies. For example - are there situations where B is more likely to be amenable to intimacy? Is A free to use porn/masterbation/toys on their own? Is there an underlying reason why either partners sex drive is ‘outside the norm’ and does that need addressing?

Is one of the stressors the actual act of A trying to initiate sex & feeling constantly rejected and/or B feeling pestered and crabby from having to reject - in which case, is there a better way of communicating desire/acceptance without having to go through the whole rigmarole of trying it on.

Slight side note but top tip I learned from a previous relationship is having clear language for non sexual contact (!) One of my favourite things is having a PG rated cuddle but ex always assumed physical closeness was a request/invitation for sex. After a while of having to stop him always trying to move things on (frustrating us both) we had a clarifying conversation (he hadn’t always wanted sex in those situations but was thinking I was asking for sex) and decided some clear wording for ‘just cuddles’ and ‘sexy cuddles’**

**not telling you our real phrases as they’re even more cringe!

knittingaddict · 02/10/2022 23:14

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 02/10/2022 22:45

What is the third option....?

The op says what the third option is.

  1. should it always be a compromise between the 2

  2. should the one with the lower drive do more so that the other doesn't feel neglected/unwanted*

  3. should the one with the higher drive accept and accommodate the one with the lower drive?

    Can't people read?
Lunar270 · 02/10/2022 23:48

usernameforthispost · 02/10/2022 22:44

It's not something I feel comfortable talking about with work colleagues.
So the one with the lower drive should do what makes the other one happy then?

I personally wouldn't want to have sex with someone unless they were really into it. So I wouldn't accept or expect anyone to compromise.

Isn't that verging on rape anyway, if a man pressurises for sex when a woman isn't really interested?

Third option for me.

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