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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend about his past?

13 replies

enga · 02/10/2022 20:54

I've name changed for obvious reasons.

My DD is 16, just started college, she's made friends etc all fine. She befriended a boy on her first day and now they're in a relationship, he's been round here a few times and has always seemed polite and respectful of me and DD and always offers to help wash up after dinner which I don't think happens very often with most teenage boys! His mum did message me and thank me for giving DS a chance which I thought was a bit weird but I didn't give it a second thought after.

DD had been telling me a few boys had been making a few weird comments about her bf, saying he's a weirdo and a pyscho etc. On Friday, DD asked them what they meant and why they kept saying things like that and they told her he'd threatened to stab someone at their school which resulted in him being expelled. DD was very shocked, as was I when she told me. Yesterday, he came round and DD asked him if it was true and she told me he seemed to be upset and said yes but he didn't want to talk about it as things were different then and he regrets what he did and he told DD he loves her and wouldn't hurt her or anyone else.

I was speaking to my sister about this and she said I should make DD break up with him (not sure how id do this) or ask him why he did it and what caused it etc but I'm not sure if id BU. I'm hoping in time their relationship will fizzle out as they are young.

WIBU?

OP posts:

FarmerRefuted · 02/10/2022 21:12

Is he 16 too? So presumably was 15 or younger when this threat was made? And I'm guessing it was a threat to stab rather than an attempted stabbing? People - especially teenagers - change and I'd be inclined to go off his current behaviour and attitude.

Don't make your DD break up with him, that's only guaranteed to push them closer together, but do make sure she knows you're always available to talk and to help her without judgement. That way if he does show any worrying behaviour she's more likely to come to you about it and is more likely to have the emotional tools needed to get shot of him.

Hotandbothereds · 02/10/2022 21:15

If you try and make her split up with him she’ll likely dig her heels in.

Go on what your experience of him has been, he’s only young, sounds like he said something stupid which was never acted on.

And, they’re only young, it probably won’t last forever anyway.

Original poster

enga · 02/10/2022 21:49

He's just turned 17, apparently he took a pocket knife into school and made the threat but DD hasn't heard his side or anything, he only admitted he did it. I'm not comfortable with them being together, but like I said in my OP I can't make DD break up with him and they're only young anyway

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 02/10/2022 22:00

Difficult to judge without knowing the circumstances . Taking a knife into school would be automatic expulsion. However, why he felt the need to do it could be telling.

Original poster

enga · 02/10/2022 22:40

I'm not sure if I should ask him the reason as part of me says it's none of my business but the other is saying it is as he's in a relationship with DD

OP posts:

MardyBumm · 02/10/2022 22:47

I'm a teacher and over the years have had several students make threats towards others. Similar types of threats to what you described. Most of them just said something stupid after being pushed too far and most have turned out fine. If he had bought a knife to school- that would be different and I would not be wanting my child in a relationship with someone who has chosen to carry a weapon to school. Get the facts first though because teenagers love to exaggerate. If he did bring a weapon to school, he would have most likely been expelled.

Original poster

enga · 02/10/2022 22:58

DD asked him if it was true and he said yes, he was expelled

OP posts:

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/10/2022 23:08

You could do a Clare’s law application to the police to see if there is a history Of violence to others or risk to your daughter.

On the one hand it’s a shame for someone to be judged by a silly thing they did as a kid , if it was a one off mistake. On the other you want to be alert to red flags that he could be a danger.

Given his mum has text you could you reply and get more information there?

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 02/10/2022 23:09

I think you should take him on his merits - how he is currently and just keep checking in with your daughter regularly and discuss any concerns you have with her and make sure she does the same with you.
Or could you speak to his Mum about it if you are concerned?
I think it would be overstepping/unhelpful to speak to him about it.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 02/10/2022 23:13

As his mum messaged you could you suggest meeting her for coffee? You’ll hear her side of the story, which may be biased of course, but it’ll give you more info.

Original poster

enga · 02/10/2022 23:37

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 02/10/2022 23:08

You could do a Clare’s law application to the police to see if there is a history Of violence to others or risk to your daughter.

On the one hand it’s a shame for someone to be judged by a silly thing they did as a kid , if it was a one off mistake. On the other you want to be alert to red flags that he could be a danger.

Given his mum has text you could you reply and get more information there?

I didn't think you could do a Clare's law on an under 18. I might ask his mum although I assume she thought I knew a few weeks ago which is why she messaged

OP posts:

Original poster

enga · 03/10/2022 10:57

Anyone else?

OP posts:

Waynettaaa · 03/10/2022 11:12

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 02/10/2022 23:13

As his mum messaged you could you suggest meeting her for coffee? You’ll hear her side of the story, which may be biased of course, but it’ll give you more info.

I'd do this.

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