Is it me?

[AmIBeingSillyx]

Hello all

I was in a very intense, very short "fling" in December 21 - January 22 (told you it was short!). He declared I was the love of his life and wanted me to move in with him asap etc. I'm usually good at spotting red flags, but for whatever reason, boredom at work, boredom with life.. I got caught up in this silly fantasy. Turns out he had really bad mental health issues and he really, badly, hurt me. For some reason, it's the most someone has ever hurt me. Fast forward to now.. I met this lovely man online. I spoke to him for about 6 weeks before we met. I was very guarded because of what had happened before and was scared of being hurt again. I also didn't know if I was ready to date again and held off until knew for certain, so not to waste anyone's time.

We met up, there was so much chemistry, fast forward 4 months later and we are official. He really is a lovely man. Thinking about him makes me smile alot. But, I don't know if I'm trying to find fault, so I can have a "aha, I knew you'd hurt me" moment and end it.

This will sound silly but.. He's told me that some of his friends cheat on nights out and he thinks it's wrong. He's also said he's been to lapdancing clubs and has had dances, over ten years ago, he said he'd never have a dance now while in a relationship, that was when he was single. He also had a threesome 15 years ago, this doesn't sit right with me. Lastly, he is on holiday with his friend (who's dad owns a resturant in portugal they go over every year or so, his friend is married).. I just worry something will happen. He's reassured me that yes, him and his friend will go out to bars and resturants but he only wants me. Why do I find that hard to believe?

So far it's night 1 of his holiday and he has messaged lots, asking about my day etc and has sent me photos. I don't want to speak to him and don't know why. He also got me flowers and a beautiful card with a lovely message saying that he loves me and he can't wait to get back to see me again.

Have you ever felt like this? Does it mean we aren't right for each other?

Thank you

On the face of it, he seems honest and open, very attentive and I don't see any red flags.

It'd be understandable if you were projecting your past hurt onto this relationship, but entirely unreasonable, unless you have anything else going on - a gut feeling, maybe? Do you feel he's love bombed you?

No, I don't think he has love bombed me. He told me he loved me last month but that was after talking for 6 weeks, dating a few months and then becoming offical. I don't know if it's me, I'm waiting for that moment. X

I think you're rather projecting your own issues on him here.

Do you think it could be a bit of low self esteem affecting you after your past hurt?

It'd be a shame to 'punish' him by not replying whilst he's away, if I was you I'd give him the benefit of the doubt - he could be a lovely guy and you're expecting the worst, but needlessly.

I do get it, it's hard, but you need to trust him (unless he gives reason not to!) But nothing you've mentioned in his past is an issue, and I've always taken the stance that anything a partner has done in their past is just that, in the past, and no concern/business of mine. It helps me draw a line and focus on the present!

I don't know if it's low self esteem. I know I'm not bad looking.. not blowing my own trumpet... but when someone tells me, like this guy, and other partners, that I'm beautiful etc. I dont believe it. I always think "yeah, you've probably told lots of woman that before", what makes me different 🤷‍♀️

Don’t spoil his holiday by not replying to his messages. That’s not fair when he’s not done anything wrong. It sounds like jealousy on your part but you need to trust him when he’s not given you a reason not to

It does sound like it’s you yes,
sorry. If you aren’t happy with his sex history then just let him go, he hasn’t done anything wrong and holding it against him is just a bit toxic really. It’s always a risk that you will get hurt in relationships, but in this situation it doesn’t sound like this guy is doing anything wrong at the minute.

I hear you OP. I have trust issues and my partner is very understanding towards this. Makes me feel loved and secure in our relationship as much as he can. I myself do find things to worry about where there is no need but this is because we have been hurt so badly in the past. I hope you can get through this because he does seem to be truthful by telling you these things and he is attentive enough towards you even while on holiday. I am currently going through a 'good' headspace towards my partner and currently know he wants nobody but me but every so often I do get a wobble but I KNOW it is me and not him. Recognise the signs in yourself and try talk yourself down. It is not easy. I wish you all the best of strength.

Go with the flow a bit more. X