To ask you to 'Think the unthinkable' TW child death and organ transplant

[SunsetandCupcakes]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-tyne-63080520

Please read this, I had already had the conversation when my son unexpectedly ended up in ITU which made the decision much easier.
If my loss could save another child and another parent then I knew it was something I wanted to do.

Despite this I didn't know that this was a decision that brave parents made after the death of their child in labour or as neonates, I appreciate this whole topic doesn't bear thinking about but if we can, I think we should.

Comfort can be gained in the darkest of spaces, for me my pain was going to be with me forever, I drew comfort from the thought another family could avoid it.

It's the worst possible situation.

My deepest condolences to pp's who've had to suffer their DC dying.

I'd like to believe that it would be one of the easier decisions to say yes in the face of a horrendous situation, if it was possible.

Thank you OP. 💓

We started talking to our DDs about organ donation when they were still young (under 10), showed them our donor cards and obtained their verbal consent to donate their organs if the worst should ever happen. They got their own donor cards and signed up for the bone marrow register as soon as they were old enough to do so. It's a difficult subject, but so important.

Thank you, that is exactly the kind of info I was wondering about.

I have had two of my children die.

I was able to donate my sons organs, I wasn't able to donate my daughters due to how she died.

My experience of donating was quite a few years ago now, but I don't think I have the usual sense of pride in myself because I made that choice. I just feel a bit empty tbh.

I didn't feel this sense of greater good after I decided to donate his organs.

In fact, as awful as it sounds, I would have 100% chose my sons life over the 7 people who benefitted from his organs.

I got a letter from the hospital giving basic details of who received his organs (age, sex and which organ) and I honestly felt nothing. It was almost like a sense of duty, I could do that and other people won't have to go through this shit if I decide to do this, so I will, but it wouldn't make my son less dead.

At his funeral I wasn't proud that people were out there living better lives due to his death, I was just sad.

Some years later when my daughter died, I didn't feel any different about her death than I did my sons, if that makes sense. People who know often talk about my sons death as more 'worthy' but I just don't feel it. All I can feel is my loss.

When I see videos of all these touching moments of brides at weddings listening to her fathers heart in another man's chest, or a child running up to a bereaved mother after they were donated her child's lungs it strikes fear into my heart because I NEVER want that to happen. I sort of feel a bit resentful actually that other kids are alive and my baby boy isn't (again, I know that makes me sound like a cunt).

The process itself wasn't as traumatic for me as I thought it would be. The nurses and team listened to me, and they fulfilled all my requests. Often people say that it was horrific not being there for their loved ones last breath, but I had known for a little while that he had taken his last breath already, any more were made by machines. As stoic as I was after knowing that the little body laid there was no longer my baby, I did ask for someone to hold his little hand all the way through, the lovely nurse who did said she sang to him too, the songs that I sang to him at his bedside (she learned them especially).

I received a little backlash afterward, in my culture its not usual to donate organs so some words were had but it was fine eventually, and I also had some religious extremists harass me about it because I decided to donate his organs and cremate him (which is usual in my culture) they told me he was going to be tortured in eternal limbo because of me, which was lovely to hear when you're a teenager and have just had your baby die.

Overall I'm not proud or happy about it. I feel a bit of a fraud if I feel any sense of pride or happiness about it because I would take it back in a second if I could have just one more cuddle with my son.

If the very worst happened I would definitely do it again though.

I guess I'm just trying to say that it's normal to feel nothing really, or have conflicting feelings. It doesn't always come with a huge sense of pride.

That said, when other parents do that and it takes even a tiny bit of their pain away I'm so happy they get that relief, even for a second. This path is dark, so any bit if light shining on it for anyone is special.

@KitchiHuritAngeni I'm so sorry about your Daughter and your Son.
I imagine nothing could make you feel better when the worst possible thing has happened and nothing can change the outcome. 🌹

KitchiHuritAngeni · I am so sorry for your losses.

I do think that all too often the grief is brushed aside when talking about the wonderful thing someone has done and how many lives have been saved etc. Please don’t ever feel that you owe it to anyone to feel any kind of sense of anything but your own grief.

I need a heart transplant and that is one thing I have struggled with immensely. I am not quite on the list yet but whenever I think of having to have a transplant the idea of waiting for a call to tell me that a heart has become available has a very mixed view. Because while I will hope that it is the right heart for me, the idea that I will be waiting for the right person to die just doesn’t sit right. I’ve seen the organ donation couriers leave the hospital I’m under and my first thought is always that someone in there has suffered a tremendous loss.

I believe in organ donation and I bang the drum regularly on my own social media. But I will never feel able to be one of those people who stands up and campaigns for others to donate their organs so that I can be given a chance at life.

In fact in my heart of hearts (excuse the pun), I am hoping that I will always remain healthy enough that that ends up being a bridge I don’t have to cross.

Thank you Emerald and May in the past I've been made to feel bad because I was focused on my loss rather than someone else's gain, and I've never been able to flip that feeling around and be grateful someone else's baby was alive because mine died.

May I completely understand what you're saying. Everything we see about donation makes it seem like a great thing, that donors families should be proud, and that recipients need to be delighted.

I truly hope that you never get to the point where you're in the position of needing one, I cant imagine what that would be like

Yes. I was on the register to donate everything except my corneas until they brought this new law in. I disagreed with it so strongly that I deregistered myself for everything.