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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my friend I am not willing to listen to her relationship woes...

13 replies

fifithom · 02/10/2022 15:01

My friend has been with her partner for ten years. She has been miserable for the last three years with him. He absolutely refuses to commit to the point that she had to buy a house herself (which he lives in with her) because he just wouldn't pull his finger out and she was desperate to move out of her parents house. When she threatens to break up he will make promises of commitment and tell her they will look for a house together etc but never happens.

They have been on and off for the past three years, they've split for 3 months being the longest, and he was bombarding her, begging her to take him back making all these promises, his mum was even messaging her asking her to give him one more chance. This is how it goes, she takes him back and then the cycle continues.

He's constantly partying when he isn't working, there is allegations of cheating which she ignores. I have spent soooo much time the past 3 years listening to her, giving her advice, watching her be so down in the dumps and confused but I've reached my final straw.

He took her on holiday last week, and on their first night there they went out, she went to the toilet and when she came back he wasn't there, he wasn't answering his phone so she ended up going back to the hotel. He didn't come back until 9 am the next morning with foundation all over his shirt. She was fuming and so upset she said she had booked a flight home but missed it so she ended up staying the rest of the holiday but she was adamant that it was over as soon as they got back.

However, have now found out that the last few days of the holiday were better so they are still together.

I am in disbelief, I don't understand how anyone can allow themselves to be treated so badly time and time again. At this point I need to distance myself from the situation because I don't want to know any more. I have listened and given advice as much as I can and I just can't anymore, it's too frustrating.

So we are going to dinner next week, AIBU to tell her I don't want to hear about it anymore? That I think she is being a mug and I'm concerned that she thinks this man is the best she can do? How can I say it politely?

She's not even 30 yet ffs! She has her whole life ahead of her, she shouldn't be wasting it on this fool.

OP posts:
unsync · 02/10/2022 15:35

I had friend like that. Would ask for advice and support. I'd listen and help. Then she'd go off and do exactly the same thing and would expect me to listen and help. There's only so much you can do. She needs to help herself. If she can't or won't, it might be best to walk away.

Diablocircus · 02/10/2022 15:40

In the same situation and I’ve taken a huge step back.

I think if you confront the issue she will turn it against you and then refuse to listen to any of your stuff.

I have been a coward and avoided meeting so I would probably cancel, and just take some time away from her - but that’s just me.

ThinWomansBrain · 02/10/2022 15:45

I used to have a similar friend
"used to" being the key part of that sentence.
Fifferent issues with her, but after ten years of the same cycle...

concernedalot · 02/10/2022 15:50

I would try and change the subject when she gets onto him - you could say 'I've told you my thoughts about it and there's not much more I can do' If she bleats on and on and never talks about anything else then I'd be inclined to start distancing from her. Depends on how good a friend she is in other ways I guess. I understand how frustrating it is. I've been used as a divorce counsellor twice in the last few years by two different people. I served a purpose for them but i'm no longer in contact with them (fell out with one of them and the other one I was 'dating') and I have to say it's very freeing!

FluffySocksAndHotChocolate · 02/10/2022 16:20

I used to have a friend like this. I took a massive step back. She doesn't want a friend, she wants a sounding board who forgets when she's finished ranting.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 02/10/2022 16:31

I had a friend like this in Uni, couldn't believe the two men she was seeing at the same time weren't happy when they found out about each other Hmm I cooled the friendship because she lived for the drama

BronwenFrideswide · 02/10/2022 16:51

So we are going to dinner next week, AIBU to tell her I don't want to hear about it anymore? That I think she is being a mug and I'm concerned that she thinks this man is the best she can do? How can I say it politely?

If you are going for being polite don't say she is a mug in so many words. When she starts just say as another pp said 'I've told you my thoughts about it and there's not much more I can do' . If she keeps bringing it up just keep repeating that and shutting down the conversation/change the subject.

I think as others have said you will more than likely just need to step back from the friendship, if she asks why you have then be honest with her. It's incredibly draining being friends with people like this.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/10/2022 16:58

As others have suggested, I would politely but forcefully shut it down. You don’t have to get personal or give her your opinions on the relationship, that won’t help either of you.

Just make it clear that you have given her your view, she has chosen not to act on it and you are not prepared to go around in circles on this topic.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/10/2022 17:05

I had a friend in an abusive relationship. I heard the same thing over and over and over. I sympathized and advised and urged her to leave until I was blue in the face, then I realized that I might as well save my breath to cool my porridge. She had no intention of leaving. I still let her talk but my only reply was pretty much "Well, you know my opinion on what you should do" repeated over and over.

Eventually the friendship died away, probably a combination of my refusing to sympathize with her anymore and her partner isolating her from friends and family. I do miss her, but I don't miss the drama. She knows where I am if she wants me.

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 02/10/2022 17:12

Yes, I stepped back because the friendship was affecting my ability to keep a lid on my frustrations.
Was the best way.

See friend with cunty husband about twice a year and drown out all talk of cunty husband with all the other stuff we catch up on.
Cunty husband doesn’t come into conversation any more.

mycatisannoying · 02/10/2022 17:19

Some women are just mugs. I couldn't support this behaviour.

ExtraOnions · 02/10/2022 17:24

Stop giving advice … listen to her … nod your head, and then talk about something else.

You are stuck in a Drama Triangle, you are not her rescuer - the only way to get out of a drama triangle is by not playing the game

Hearthnhome · 02/10/2022 17:28

when I was on a similar situation I just kept saying ‘not sure what else you want me to say, if I say anymore it will end upsetting you and I don’t want that’

Only had to say it 3 times and she stopped. But she did cool the friendship which I was fine with.

She Is addicted to the drama. She enjoys it. So is so addicted to it that when she isn’t with him in the middle of it, she wants to relive it and talk about it. She probably only ends it so he will beg her to come back. Listening to it is only feeding the drama.

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