to want something more in my life other than this.(long one)

[pol27]

In Jan 2002 my mum died. Alittle bit before I had been questioning where my life was going and what was the 'point'.

I met OH in Sept 03 and fell preg quickly. Had DD in Sept 04. I worked as a nanny in Cambs but had my own house in Derbs which I went to every weekend. OH lived and worked in Essex and was just finishing uni (he was a returner to ed.). So I worked up until the end of preg (as he was not earning) and struggled along to pay mortgage/bills/for baby stuff etc...

Made the decision to sell up and move down to Essex with him as he showed no signs of finding a job nr my home and his family were all down there, while I only had a sister so felt that DD would have the chance of Grandparents and extended fam etc.. Sold up and moved in July. Had around £8,000 when I had paid off mortgage outstanding/6mth rent on place we went too (as couldn't afford to buy) car loan etc... OH strted as trainee teacher and was on a min. wage. But he gave me no housekeeping (and was supposed to put aside mthly rent into savings) so the £8,000 went on elec/gas/food/petrol/clothes for DD etc...

Had DS in sept 06 (was planned) and moved into house in Feb 07. I was not put on the mortgage or deeds by him (!) even though I asked to be and thought he would. He said because I wasn't working it affected his credit score for the mortgage (so why couldn't I be put on the deeds??) anyhow.

I have been looking for a job since we moved with no luck. Perfect job came up and got interview but at last min. MIL and FIL who have always offered to have kids (they have all other gradnkids) said they wouldn;t anymore. She didn't feel she could commit to all of them!

So now i'm here. I have no money as OH either gives me none OR just enough for our food for the month. I have to pay the elec bills too. I had to get all christmas presents and kids birthday presents with my money (I put it on c/c) and OH didn't pay anything. I have told him lots of times how bad money is and he just shrugs it off!

I'm fed up. I maybe think this should be in the depressed bit. I'm so so fed up of everything.

DS was really ill at Christmas with croup and stopped breathing in hosp. He is 16 mths and into everything. He and DD squabble all the time and OH moans that the ironing etc. hasn't been done.

He comes in from work and doesn;t even talk to me, shouts at DD for playing up and does nothing with kids/hypes them up so they're in tears just before bed.

I said to him on Monday night I felt like I wanted to walk out, leave the kids and him and everything because I just didn;t care anymore and that for once I wanted to think of me rather than rushing round making sure everyone else was happy.
I said that most days I speak to no one except DD and DS (dd is 3 and ds 16mths) and he doesn't speak to me and I feel so lonely.

The area we live in is really rough and I don't really want my kids swearing/spitting etc.. I don't want friends like that either and TBH I can't be bothered.

I feel really selfish and mean being like this/. I know i'm failing my kids because they haven't got the mum they deserve. OH said I was a good mum and they need me, which they do but I just feel like at the mo, I don't want them or him esp. He neve rwill change.

He said once I get a job and some money I will be ok. But all I see then is more work for me to do. All the house, the kids, him, work and me! I just have absolutely no one to talk to and I am so alone. I can't see any point anymore.

Am I being a selfish stupid miserable cow??

Sorry your OH sounds incredibly selfish. Really have no practicaly advice but hope someone can give you some.

You are not being selfish! Your OH seems so selfish and needs a kick up the backside. (sorry to be blunt)

You really have to talk to him or write a letter and tell him exactly how you feel.

Sorry you are feeling like this...

Do you love this man?

If not, you have the option of leaving him and taking the children with. Move to a more familiar place where you have friends & family, where your children can grow up. Not proposing a life on benefits, but only until you get back up on your feet. If sounds like it would be an improvement on your current financial situation anyway.

It sounds like a very difficult situation you are in. I sincerely hope you will have a lot of strength for the near future and the best of luck.

YANBU or selfish or stupid.

Forgive me for putting aside your feelings of dperession for one minute, BUT...The main thing that strikes me from your post is that your husband hasn't put you on the mortgage. You have no security - no firm financial base from which to consider your options. Why hasn't he done this? especially after you sold up to move down to essex, and spent your profit on essentials for your family...? It doesn't make sense. He sounds very selfish and immature. have you tackled this with him?

Agree with what loveangel said.

I really feel for you and know how awful it can be when you are isolated and alone. You need to seriously consider your options, including whether or not you want to stay with your DP, and then make a plan to change things for the better, either with DP or without. For a start he should be doing his fair share of childcare and housework, you deserve a break too, it's a full time job looking after two young children.

No, you're not being unreasonable and he sounds like a prick. Personally (and speaking as a bloke), and apart from anything else, I despite blokes who ration money to their partners - it's a nasty, cheap, selfish and misogynistic way of "keeping them in check". Any bloke with a shred of decency would make sure his partner wanted for nothing he was able to provide.

Why the bollocks should you be paying for ANYTHING when (a) he is working and (b) you are unable to work because you are looking after his kids and have moved down to be with him. Wanker.

And breathe.............

What I'd be inclined to do, to give yourself some direction, is put in place say a 3 month plan. On one hand, work at your relationship with this prick guy as best you can/ feel able and let him know exactly how you're feeling consistently so he has the chance to improve (including with childcare, housework and perhaps most importantly towards you). You at least, I guess, owe it to the kids (and possibly yourself) to give him a chance to redeem himself.

At the same time, begin to investigate your options for moving back to where you'd feel happy; find out about potential jobs, what benefits you'd be entitled to, available housing, what friends are around and how they could help, potential childcare. If you wish, think about how a separation would work and how much money he'd be obliged to contribute. This will, hopefully, give you some sense of direction and, depending on how it goes with him, you'll be in a much better place in a couple of months time to figure out exactly what you want to do. And if you do decide to do something else, you're going into it with your eyes open.

Hi, UANBU at all.

Your name could have gone on mortgage is will not affect any credit rating.
I think to make yourself feel better try to get to a toddler group or something to make some friends locally. You prob wont feel like it but I promise getting out and seeing some days other mums are struggling just as much as you will help and then to chat to a adult about anything will make you feel loads better. And hopefully you'll gain some friends as time goes on. Being a mum can be lonely.
I think you need to decide what you want to do. I also think if you were on your own with the kids then you would lose some of your worries - you would have your own money (benefits while you sort yourself out but still that money would be yours), no one to complain that kids are being moisy or playing up or whatever. No one to notice that the washing up needs doing or the ironing pile has a life of it's own..
If you want to work at your relationship then you need to have a conversation stating what you expect and that you want it to work but unless you can both come to an agreement and you start to feel happier then you'll be going. (He will also have to pay the electric himself and maintaince so in his best interest money wise if he is that tight)
Where about's in Essex are you?

Sorry about your mum. I lost mine too in 2004 - sometimes you just want them because they would be in your corner

UANBU at all. Where in Essex are you?

YANBU - not at all. Half-term is coming up soon and I assume your OH will have the week off. Would you be able to leave the kids with him and go and visit your sister for a few days just to get a break and some space and figure out your next move - or even just for the sake of the break alone.

I'm not a property lawyer (well not a lawyer at all yet but getting there) but I know that you can register your interest and your childrens interest in the property as a "charge" against the property on the Land Registry and I don't believe you need the freeholder's permission to do so. This will mean that if the property is sold, your interests have some protection.

The Citizens Advice Bureau could advise you, or go to a local solicitor who does conveyancing, you can get 30 mins advice for free.

Not a solution to your main problems (and sorry you're so down) but it would give you a slightly improved feeling of security about the house - in any case legally the contribution you have made to bills etc would protect you and entitle you to a share of the proceeds of sale if DH was prick enough to try to keep them all himself.