To feel like it’s too late to start over? How do you reinvent yourself?

[JasonWaterfalls]

hi everyone, hope you’re having a nice weekend.

recently I split from my h, soon to be x I hope as we are going for no fault, due to some shady behaviour with female friends and him being financially controlling and taking me totally for granted. I am still living at my pregnant sis and bro in laws house atm but should soon be moving into a studio of my own. It’s been a lot to take in.

im feeling like I’ve hit a dead end. I wasted six years on someone who wasn’t who I thought he was. I’m at a point of needing to start over in so many ways and having real panic attacks. I lost my old job in Covid and haven’t been able to land a good permanent position since, feeling so stuck… If you manage to stick with the woe is me I’m about to write I salute you!

basically I had to leave school early due to illness after an accident and never went to college or uni. I know I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because of this and my heart breaks for younger me. I feel Ive never found myself and just when things were getting better and I’d landed the city job I dreamed of Covid came and blew it up, I wonder if being so emotionally vulnerable when younger led to my ex realising how easy a target I was as I feel I’ve never really ‘solidified’ as a person. I’m coming up to 40 and feel so hopeless now, I’ll never get that time back and feel it’s too late to reinvent myself and start over. Even if I go back for an access course to fill out the exams I missed as a teen my CV is still a bomb site over the last three years. I’ve applied for so many jobs, no one wants to hire me apart from temping agencies.

I guess I’m asking if anyone’s managed it? Have you had to reinvent your life as you hit midlife and did it work?

Never too late, I was 42 when hiusband went off with another woman. I looked at my life and decided it needed sorting so I applied for grants and started a diploma course which led on to doing my degree and early 50s had a good job and my own home. Aim high and you will be surprised

I agree- It is never too late! I know many people who did a 180 in terms of careers, divorcing after decades together and entered new beautiful chapters in their lives. I wish you all the best :)

Don’t think of if in terms of “reinventing yourself”: that’s a big elephant to eat in one go and puts a lot of pressure on you. Focus on the individual steps to a new life. Soon you’ll have your own flat - that’s a box ticked. If you were able to successfully land a good job you wanted just a couple of years ago, you’ll be able to do so again, even if if feels a bit hopeless at the moment. Start to explore all the little things which have interested you over the years. Always thought you might enjoy singing, cycling, pottery? Give them a go, you don’t have to commit to them immediately. And who knows what new friends you might meet in doing so, or how you might discover through doing one thing, that you’re also really good at or enjoy another.

“…just when things were getting better and I’d landed the city job I dreamed of Covid came and blew it up”

Your prospective employer must have seen something in you for you to land your dream city job, that in itself is such a good sign and shows that you are a lot more capable than I think you give yourself credit for ❤️

Many “with degrees” struggle to get any job, let alone a big job in the city. And for the most part we’ve been conditioned that Uni/better education = better job. But a lot of people have realised that it’s about the candidate’s behaviour and willingness to work hard, rather than pieces of paper.

“I’ve applied for so many jobs, no one wants to hire me apart from temping agencies.”

Ok, so there’s an “in” here. If you’re struggling to get a bite from the “traditional” way in, suggest you start with the agencies. Focus on your attitude, your maturity, and the transferable skills you do have. And you clearly do want to work.

Explain perhaps that you want to find your niche, upskill and grow a big career. That you’ve had some setbacks in life and now you’re ready to take charge - you want to work hard; you want to make the best of yourself and reach your full potential. (Also remember that you get to define what success looks like for you. If you’re living by the ocean painting garden gnomes for £12 an hour with all the bills paid and you’re as happy as Larry, then that’s success).

And then use the temp roles as
stepping stones. The agencies struggle to fill temp roles because most people want something concrete. But get this, temp roles tend to pay more relative to the same positions if they were permanent. They just want someone who is reliable and will work hard. They won’t expect you to know everything.

And ok so, you’re not going to go straight in and temp in something completely unrelated to your previous experience. But you can lily pad through the “ranks”. I don’t know your background, but for example, someone could lily pad from a couple of general office admin roles to PA, recruitment. Or from retail to floor supervisor, and then through to management. Once you’re in a big company it’s easier to move around too, even if you start “at the bottom”.

TBC…

Have a browse around the Mature Study and Retraining board, here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

You’ll soon see that countless people do reinvent themselves (or at least broaden their horizons and prospects!) in middle age or even later.

All I can say is that it’s a waste of energy to long for a different past. No one else can be you - you’re always going to be bringing something unique to the table. Celebrate that.

I am also reinventing myself after divorce and agree, it’s never too late (I’m quite a bit older than you) and def small bites at the elephant are the way to go!

enjoy making your studio your happy place, just how you want it, and then pick one or two things you enjoy, stuff you used to do or new stuff, and add those to your week/month. Volunteer somewhere if you need to get some work experience, but above all just get out there…some days you won’t feel like it and that’s fine, but you’ll be amazed how much better you feel with stuff to look forward to.

be kind to younger you, and cosset now you, it’ll come good I promise

In a similar position op. Left school at 15 with no qualifications and then had children. Got my first proper job in my 20’s in admin then worked in maintaining websites and SEO, via CMS not code. Unemployed again and almost 40 now and I still don’t know what I want to do. I have taken a few courses over the years, I did a level 2 in Nutrition (was my passion but was diagnosed with fibro so PT idea out the window) also done a level 2 in Business Management (it bored me) and another in third sector guidance.
I feel I’m getting too old now and should maybe just go back to admin.

Llamakoala a lovely post thank you so much for the encouragement. I guess I’m further demoralised because I reapplied at my old job for after things opened up again for something way in my old skill set (was actually overqualified) and I didn’t even get an interview. I guess if you don’t come from a solid foundation these things can knock your confidence.

‘it’s a waste of energy to long for a different past.’ this is so true thank you

Wondering - same, I left at 15 too.

I had a car-crash CV until late 30s, then did a degree part-time, then a postgraduate qualification while working full-time. Now the varied and diverse stuff I did before my degree are the things that make me more interesting to an employer than the school-Uni-job route that most of my competitors have. Go for it!

2nd part of my post…

“Even if I go back for an access course to fill out the exams I missed as a teen my CV is still a bomb site..”

If you want to do that access course, go do that access course. If you do get into a good company, they may even pay for you to do that, particularly if you get into an area where they would want to put you through “professional” qualifications. Consider that a “win” like that may give you more confidence and boost your self-esteem. Of course, only do it if and when it feels right for you.

Sometimes it does help to jump in and do something slightly out of your comfort zone. It can give a boost and proves how capable you are.

So, to get to the emotional side of things - you’ve had a really rough time and have gone through some shit. And I’m sorry to hear it 💐

What a relief that you are finally away from your H - soon to be Ex! His behaviour is disgraceful and you deserve so much better than that. Also, how amazing that you are moving into your own place! That said, you might not feel relief right now, and may feel a mixture of emotions and feel a bit upside-down and that’s absolutely fine ❤️ takes some getting used to.

I am glad to hear you have somewhere safe to stay right now.

“I’m feeling like I’ve hit a dead end. I wasted six years on someone who wasn’t who I thought he was.”

I’m sorry 🤗 you know, that wasn’t your fault. Sounds like you were very vulnerable when you met, and so he was able to pull the wool over your eyes. In my experience it tends to happen slowly, like the boiling frog story where the temperature was increased by a degree at a time and the frog wouldn’t jump out. I am familiar with this.

When/if you’re ready it might help to get it all down on paper (may be best to work with a professional) and identify the patterns and red flags. Things you can look out for in future, but understand you’re not responsible for someone else’s behaviour, and you can only protect yourself. And look at how you can build yourself up again, self-esteem and self-worth, etc. It’s definitely an ongoing process.

“I wonder if being so emotionally vulnerable when younger led to my ex realising how easy a target I was as I feel I’ve never really ‘solidified’ as a person. I’m coming up to 40..”

Ugh, it happens to the best of us. I promise you can, and you will ❤️ it doesn’t matter your age, it’s never too late. Better if you have support, and there are some free resources online/on YouTube that you can look for. Even if you started with “how to raise my self-esteem” or “how to value myself”, etc.

“basically I had to leave school early due to illness after an accident and never went to college or uni. I know I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because of this and my heart breaks for younger me.”

💔 maybe consider from now on, how you are doing stuff for little you and that grown-up you is working to give little you what she wants, deserves and needs. There is also stuff online about inner child work, if you feel it appropriate/if that would help you. Again, you may want to work with a professional. When we feel bad we don’t always take proper care of ourselves and it can help to visualise taking care of someone else, e.g. our younger self. Of course we’d caringly bath them, brush their hair, make them a nutritious dinner and do something fun with them, etc. We’d look for the resources and information the child needs and pass it on to them.

“having real panic attacks”

I’m sorry, that’s scary. Not surprising
considering the big upheaval you’ve been going through. Are you getting support with your panic attacks, and any anxiety/low mood (if you’re experiencing it).

I hope you have a nice rest of your weekend and have something nice to look forward to today. Even if it’s a nice bath with a cuppa and a book - something that’s just for you 💐

“That said, you might not feel relief right now, and may feel a mixture of emotions and feel a bit upside-down and that’s absolutely fine ❤️ takes some getting used to”

yes! I am swinging between a feeling of freedom and possibility one minute and being completely crushed and nihilistic the next

Bumping - would just love to hear from more women who turned it around when things were dark.