To think I need to ‘move on’ from this friendship group

[ChangedNameAgain99]

Or let go in some ways and accept the ‘level ‘ of friendship I’m going to get isn’t the same.

By background this group of friends are a NCT group (not mine) I met them when the kids were 3. I’ve known one of the group professionally for years (and we because close) and with the rest of the group through school. Through the last 7 years I’ve become close to them - lockdown walks with one of them- coffees with others, play dates , parties, visiting each others houses. As individuals I have good friendships (with some we exchange gifts on birthdays).

But I’ve not made friends to the extent they’ll have girls trips away as their original group and won’t ask me. Probably get together a lot for other stuff. Life gets busy and I’ve often thought I’ve got good friends within this group but their group is always going to be them and I’ll just not be chosen to be part of it.

I think really it’s sad I don’t have that group of friends like they do. Mine are spread out eg Uni friends, my own NCT friend which I’m only close to one of. I have sooo many friends spread out but not one core group of girlfriends for that girly trip away.

The other side is I really connect with so much of this group. But I think they have their core and that’s it.

Is it mainly that you're hurt by them doing things together and not inviting you? Otherwise if the friendships are good do you need to move away from them?

Are they bitchy? Do they leave you out on purpose?

I'm someone who has friends spread out over many groups. Used to be sad I'd never have that big girls group, but times change and so do friendships. I'm glad to have the variety I have now, different friends for different friends eg coffee, take away evenings in, play dates, nights out, classy bar. It works out well!

Why don't you suggest a trip away with them? They probably have got that used to doing their own thing that they haven't thought about adding anyone new.

Thanks @BigOldGalaxy I guess I mean yes being left out but I’ve kind of got used to that. I mean at peace that’s my friendship level with them and that’s it.

also if it wasn’t for social media I’d never know they’d all got together without me. I get it too they’ve been together since before the babies were born. I guess I was hoping to have become part of their group but I get that I’m not and yes very useful to have the spread.

I’ve tried the suggestion and things start eg let’s get a spa day away in but then nothing comes to fruition that includes me.

thing is they have each other and I get it.

its just a bit hard to accept.

Tricky one. I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the Bath water though. I have a large local group and sometimes people do stuff in sub groups and yes I have felt hurt. But then catch myself on as I do separate things too!

If they are otherwise nice friends seems a shame to walk away. Sometimes groups get into habits if going away and it’s an easier number. Doesn’t mean they do t like you.

I'd feel a bit hurt by this too, even though they haven't really done anything wrong.
But ditching them as a friendship group seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Presumably there are aspects of the friendships that you enjoy.

Are your uni friends close to each other? Could you suggest going away with them to catch up?

I would be hurt by this too though. They have accepted you as a good friend then but don't consider you for group things. I didn't do NCT and remember how impenetrable those groups, which as a newcomer to the area exacerbated my feeling of isolation. I would stop following them on social media and maybe take a step back for your sanity but agree with pps, don't do anything rash.

I don’t plan on ‘dumping’ them. I guess my plan is to take a bit of a step back. But yes that’s it I was the newcomer not to the area but all the children were friends from nursery so age 3. They are very lucky their entire NCT group were based in the same area.

I do get together with the Uni crew but we’re a mixed sex group so although we deffo have probably 1/2 weekends a year together it’s not the same as the energy you get from being a bunch of girls together. The boys are brilliant but just not the same and yes we’ve all seen each other over the summer.

only one of my NCT friends and I keep in touch and we are close but she has a really stressful board level job & I know she’d love to do more. We are planning a trip I hope next year together.

This group is local and I have other very good local friends but they don’t want to go out on the town, theatre etc like I do and this group do! I think it’s cos I have so much in common with them and that’s why it’s a bit more painful.

I will not throw away the friendships

Probably by ‘move on’ come to peace with the dynamic and my role.

not good for my self esteem and perhaps I need to just not over think it anymore.

Do they say yes when you suggest a spa day? Do you suggest dates, venues etc and actually try to organise it?

I think if you are in a group like this you have to toughen up and accept it but take the “good” as being worth it. Huffing off sounds like it would be a shame.

Am with you op I have worked hard on this in my own mind but having a group of like minded fun and interesting local women friends is sooo valuable particularly as you get older.

Thanks everyone - 100%. I just have to accept where I am. I definitely don’t want to lose the friendships but I’ll be sure to invest my time accordingly . Plus I know absolutely all these ladies are super super busy professionally too so there is only so much they can fit in x

Yes I’ve done doodles etc can never get a date for everyone but then their break to somewhere pops up on Facebook (Lakes, Cotswolds etc) and I’m like omg I want to be there 😁

Do they talk about their trips without you whilst you're all together in a group? If there's one you're closer to than others could you just maybe explain how you felt and ask why you're not invited? Are you the only one in this situation or are there others on the 'outer edge' of this group? I know how you feel. Have been in similar situation. It eats away at your self worth - you fell it's silly to let it do that, have other friends etc, but it still does. I totally get it.

It never comes up when we’re all together. I guess they have their own group