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AIBU?

To ask how you share chores

20 replies

sheshislobster · 01/10/2022 23:49

Am I being unreasonable to ask how you split chores in your household with your husband? Also how do you try to share the mental load too? Both work similar hours roughly and have 2 young kids.
Thanks

OP posts:
Sophfreddie · 02/10/2022 00:05

We both just do it as and when we see it, I'm on mat leave at the moment and he works full time, baby won't be put down at the moment but if I can manage to sweep/hoover the floors then I'll ask him to mop them when he comes in, sometimes he puts baby to bed and I cook dinner, sometimes I cuddle baby on sofa and he cooks dinner - if he notices the laundry basket is full he puts a wash on, if I decide the bedding needs changing I change it. Dishwasher emptying and loading depends who gets to it first etc, kitchen gets cleaned at night depending on who has cooked! I do the majority of the actual cleaning (windows, bathroom, bedrooms etc) but there's only us 2, baby and 2 x dogs in the house so it doesn't need constant cleaning fortunately.

LokiCokey · 02/10/2022 00:18

I like being busy so prefer to run around doing chores, DH prefers chilling on the sofa supervising the DC so on the whole that works for us. DH does majority of garden and DIY. I carry all the mental load but if I'm honest I'm a control freak and couldn't delegate it although I'll ask him to take care of certain tasks I.e look for a new broadband contract etc... all I ask is that he's appreciative of the mental load I carry (which he us) and he pulls his weight when needed...

BadLad · 02/10/2022 02:17

Cooking and meal planning - wife
Washing up and cleaning kitchen - me
Shopping - wife
Drinks shopping - me
Washing and hanging out clothes - wife
Bringing clothes in and putting away - me
Bills and admin - wife
Rubbish and recycling - me
Dusting, vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms - me
Car-related stuff - wife
Gardening - wife, although I mow lawns
Holiday planning - shared

CrustyFlake · 02/10/2022 02:21

BadLad · 02/10/2022 02:17

Cooking and meal planning - wife
Washing up and cleaning kitchen - me
Shopping - wife
Drinks shopping - me
Washing and hanging out clothes - wife
Bringing clothes in and putting away - me
Bills and admin - wife
Rubbish and recycling - me
Dusting, vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms - me
Car-related stuff - wife
Gardening - wife, although I mow lawns
Holiday planning - shared

I am intrigued by "drinks shopping". Is this where you go and choose a weekly selection of fabulous booze for everyone?

I might need to start doing this in my house.

LHReturns · 02/10/2022 04:05

In a passive aggressive, underhand manner, with the aim of scoring points against each other, so the ultimate ‘winner’ ( read martyr) gets to escape to indulge alone in some hobby with no kids about. It’s all very tense and dysfunctional, and certainly not good for our marriage. 🥳

BadLad · 02/10/2022 06:44

CrustyFlake · 02/10/2022 02:21

I am intrigued by "drinks shopping". Is this where you go and choose a weekly selection of fabulous booze for everyone?

I might need to start doing this in my house.

It's just that we get our beer and soft drinks from a different place from the supermarket where we get most of our food. So I keep us in supply of that. Wine, we buy online.

Alaimo · 02/10/2022 06:51

Monday night is set aside for chores. One of us does the weekly shop, the other does the hoovering & cleaning. We make a meal plan together and cook alternate nights. The person who hasn't cooked does the washing up.

Laundry is shared 50/50. It's mostly DH who takes the bins out.

I take on more/most of the mental load, but DH will do the practical stuff like taking the car to the garage for servicing & MOT.

Iwantmymilkback · 02/10/2022 07:14

I work 3 days per week, DH 4 days.
In the free days from work, we look after our 2 under 3 kids.

Meal planning and cooking - me
Dishes and post cooking tidy up - rotate
Grocery shopping - me
Laundry - me
Gardening - DH
Bills - me
House reno, maintenance, mortgage, contracts ect - DH
Cleaning and tidying including bathrooms - rotate
Car stuff - DH
Nursery and kids stuff - me

I carry the mental load for kids related stuff and general everyday life
He carries the mental load for home maintenance, repairs, periodic checks etc

Filleto · 02/10/2022 07:17

Stealing @BadLad ‘s list (edited slightly to suit our family)
Cooking and meal planning - me
Washing up and cleaning kitchen - me
Grocery shopping - me
Shopping for things needed for dc or home -me
Washing and hanging out clothes - me
Bringing clothes in and putting away - me
Bills and admin - him
Child related admin -me
Rubbish and recycling - me/dc (I collect it all up and sort, dc usually put the bins out)
Tip runs - him
Dusting, vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms - me
Car-related stuff - him, I clean my own most of the time.
Gardening - mostly him
Holiday planning - shared but he tends to do the actual booking part
DIY (house has been a complete renovation which is ongoing so this isn’t just the occasional shelf putting up!) him
Taking dc to clubs/activities/parties etc- both (he used to do more of the clubs but the times have changed and he mostly only does one of them now while I do the other four, parties are generally me)

He works a lot more hours than me so it’s quite fair I think, although I would love it if someone else cooked even just one day a week or if anyone ever noticed the dishwasher needed emptying!

Threelittlelambs · 02/10/2022 07:21

Me
cooking
online shopping
kids lifts to schools
moping floors and vacuuming
General cleaning

DH
Clean up after tea
Empty’s bins
Cleans bathroom
vaccums main bedroom
Does min shop on the way home
Mows lawn

When the kids were little we did jobs different nights so spread out - now they are older we do a Saturday clean.

violetcuriosity · 02/10/2022 07:31

Me

Food shopping
Cooking
Bathrooms
Polishing
Beds
Mental load for children's logistics

Him

Hoovering
Mopping
Laundry
Hamster
Bins
Kitchen clean/tidy up after dinner

Works quite well to be fair

Thearex · 02/10/2022 07:32

We tag team a lot of stuff, but roughly.. .

DP
Garden
Car maintenance
50% of bill sorting
His work laundry
Washing up
Some DIY
Bins (tag team)

Me
Cooking
Shopping
Cleaning
50% of bill sorting
Some DIY
Laundry

He works shifts, 4/4, I work a more regular days, so sometimes one does half the job the other will finish it. Big jobs we do together, like cleaning the windows or painting the fence.

lunar1 · 02/10/2022 07:41

When our dc were little I was a SAHM for a few years, DH is a hospital consultant so long stressful hours.

We each did what needed doing as we could and nobody stressed if something was missed. We never had a list of things each of us needed to do.

Now they are older and I work full time as well everyone does their bit.

Zippedydoo123 · 02/10/2022 07:55

I am happy to say I have no husband it is just me and 17 year ds.

I would hate to cook and clean behind a man like many women do. They so rarely help from what I can see.

Ds is quite house trained however.

KangarooKenny · 02/10/2022 08:00

I was a SAHM for a couple of years due to necessity, and he worked long hours in a stressful job, so I did everything. Cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, garden, everything. When I went back to work, PT due to his very important career 🙄, I carried on. Now he’s retired I still do the vast majority of it.
I think you need to set out who does what before you move in together, don’t end up like me.

HappyKoala56 · 02/10/2022 08:09

I work 4 days, DH works 5.
I look after all cleaning, laundry, shopping, admin, walk the dog 5 days pw (working days are shorter walks as we have a dog walker). The kids are now teens so I wouldn't say I have to 'look after the kids' per se but I take them to clubs, make sure they get out to school and home safely etc.
He cooks more than I do (he is a chef so more than capable), take out bins and looks after outside (we do have a really big garden so it is a commitment) and walks the dog on weekends.
I think our split is fairly balanced and we're both happy with our arrangement

dudsville · 02/10/2022 08:13

LHReturns · 02/10/2022 04:05

In a passive aggressive, underhand manner, with the aim of scoring points against each other, so the ultimate ‘winner’ ( read martyr) gets to escape to indulge alone in some hobby with no kids about. It’s all very tense and dysfunctional, and certainly not good for our marriage. 🥳

I'm sorry, but this is so well written and funny!

Workinghardeveryday · 02/10/2022 08:54

KangarooKenny · 02/10/2022 08:00

I was a SAHM for a couple of years due to necessity, and he worked long hours in a stressful job, so I did everything. Cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, garden, everything. When I went back to work, PT due to his very important career 🙄, I carried on. Now he’s retired I still do the vast majority of it.
I think you need to set out who does what before you move in together, don’t end up like me.

Apart from not sahm, just mat leave, this is my life.

I do everything apart from put the bins out and the lawn.

it really is like having a full time job you never get to leave, I feel like Cinderella everyday. I am utterly miserable and don’t want to get up on a morning, it’s Groundhog Day every day.

Dont end up like me. I don’t have a life, I haven’t got time with working then running a house with him and 3 kids.

Ragwort · 02/10/2022 09:03

Very similar to lunar1 ... things just got done, there was no keeping lists or point scoring, we worked to our strengths. If anything DH did a lot more than me, I never touch the garden or do DIY ... our standards aren't that high so housework was never a 'major chore' ... laundry and ironing just got done. When not working DH would always be with our DS, we both had hobbies and interests that we followed so just coordinated our diaries so that we had sufficient 'free time' ... but we didn't keep a score ie; if one of wanted a weekend away we didn't make sure the other had exactly 24 hours 'free time'.
But - we consciously only had one child and no pets which I think makes a huge difference.

tigerbear · 02/10/2022 09:12

ME:
Sort washing and put all clothes away every day (never iron, apart from DD’s school uniform)
Clean bathroom each week
Hoovering
Wipe kitchen surfaces and kitchen floor each day
Make dinner Monday-Friday
Sorting bills

HIM:
Gardening
All house DIY and maintenance (he is very good at this, and also does major stuff like fitting new bathroom, complete redecoration etc)
Weekly food shop
Makes breakfast for everyone each day
All cooking at weekends
All driving
Takes bins out

Things like researching holidays and travel is shared. Buying birthday and Christmas presents and cards, we each do our own for family and friends.

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