To be concerned this is too much for DS?

[kiraoda]

I know I'm probably BU but I can't help but be concerned.

My son is 18 at the end of next month, been dating a boy for about 2 months, all fine etc and I get on well with him. This boy does self harm and attempted suicide a couple of weeks ago and he lied to DS when he asked (he was complaining of usual symptoms you'd get after an OD) then later on he told DS he had and he was sorry for lying, he just didn't want to upset him etc.

I don't really know the details apart from what DS has told me but he said that yesterday his bf was upset and told DS he didn't want to see him and wanted to be left alone, a few hours later he told DS he did and asked him if he could go and see him, DS said no as he had planned to see his friends instead. This morning he woke up to messages from bf saying he needed to talk to him etc, he told DS that the police gave him a section 136(i think) and he was at hospital and they were saying he's a danger to himself and he needs a mental health assessment.

DS has said he's going to see him later but he's blaming himself as if he saw him then nothing like this would've happened, I've obviously told DS none of it's his or anyone's fault but AIBU to think this is to much for him and his own MH?

I agree it's too much but he is 18, well almost 18. It's his life/choice. Just support him when you can but theres nothing you can do.

I know I can't do anything I'm just concerned about the impact on his own mental health etc

Work on strengthening your son's boundaries. I would talk about signs of abusive relationships and show him some literature about "the victim" and "mentally ill" abuser profile types. Sounds like your son is already having to do emotional caretaking and guilt tripping etc. It might do your son good to seek counselling to explore his own boundaries/limits of his responsibility, ability and influence.

I say this as someone who has first hand experience of this. Your son needs to cut all ties and move on with his life. This is not his problem. The other boy IS the problem.

This boy needs to work on himself, with support from professionals, rather than be in a relationship.

Your son cannot be responsible for someone else’s happiness- it’s not fair.

Your DS should really not be dating this lad and this lad needs to be working on himself. At that age he may not have an actual diagnosis. MH is very much not a one size fits all, maybe this lad will improve and have a great life or maybe he won’t as sad as it is and will never have anything resembling a stable life.

I would look online for advice Young Minds is a great charity, obviously this lad isn’t your child but your own sons MH is at risk.

Oh no OP this is awful.

You can do something though, you can spend a lot of time talking to your ds about how toxic this is. AND that his boyfriends MH is not is issue/fault.

Id actually consider buying a book for your DS to read about toxic relationships.

<dons tin hat> this is waaaay too intense for his age. 18yo relationships should be fun and easy. Speaking from experience, dating someone with these kind of MH issues is rarely worth the pay off. Your son needs to get out he doesn’t need this.

Your son's BF isn't in the right place to be starting a relationship. I'd suggest to your son to end it.

It's a lot to deal with at any age, let alone an 18 year old . It seems like your DS is being guilt tripped by this lad . That's not a healthy relationship. My advice would be for him to step away and get himself out meeting other people x

So many threads lately about DCs getting involved with mentally unstable partners.