To not know how to take being told I need to have more confidence by senior leader at work

[metrying]

A member of the senior leadership (my manager's manager) arranged a meeting with me this week. It was a casual kind of catch-up meeting, but towards the end they said quite positive things about me (that they had heard really good things about my work, I'm an excellent [job title], etc. They then followed this by saying I need to have more confidence in myself. I'm very junior (it's a graduate-level job), and quite quiet/reserved.

I'm not sure how to interpret it, whether to take it as a thinly veiled 'warning' as such to start being more loud/speaking up more and to integrate more with the team (I'm hybrid sometimes I do feel like I don't belong/fit in when I go to the office), or whether it was just someone wanting to offer some advice/mentorship?

AIBU to be confused and ask your thoughts on how you would interpret this kind of meeting?

It sounds to me that they might see some potential in you for leadership in the future, but you need to maybe speak up and share ideas. It sounds like you are doing a good job so well done. Maybe look at some Ted Talks on YouTube to get some ideas on how to promote yourself more.

It sounds like what you are doing is good and they want you to do more of it and take confidence from the fact that people are noticing your good qualities. It doesn't sound like a warning at all, you should be chuffed with yourself!

It sounds as though this senior manager hasn’t had much work-related interaction with you (going on the fact that they’d “heard” you were good at xyz).

With these type of catch ups they often feel that they have to give you some type of constructive feedback. They probably felt that it was their role as someone senior to give you some guidance/encouragement.

I’d take it with a pinch of salt. They obviously don’t know you well enough to know your confidence level. People often confuse being quiet with being meek.

If you believe that you could do with a bit more confidence in work settings, definitely look at ways to improve that. However, if you are happy to speak up and contribute when it matters, carry on as you are.

You should take it as a positve!
I was sent on an assertivenes course when I was a couple of years into a job after graduation, and it was helpful, except I am naturally quite shy and reserved so I am not sure I changed my behaviour much. It is really hard to change your personality! especially if it is going from introverted to extroverted. It's only now as a middle aged woman that I have the confidence of experience, and I don't particularly give a damn what people think!

I would say, be clear in your own mind whether you want to move into more leadership type roles.

I think you are worrying over nothing.

Can I ask if you have a tendency to set high standards for yourself and be a perfectionist?

I work with graduates a lot.

I've often told graduates to be more confident in themselves. What I mean by this is that as junior members of the team, I feel that a lot of them focus on what they still have to learn rather than giving themselves credit for all that they have picked up in a relatively short space of time.

The better graduates tend to expect to know everything quickly and don't realise that you cannot fast track experience. They often compare themselves to their line manager in terms of knowledge rather than people of similar experience.

The senior leader might also have meant that you need to back yourself and contribute your opinions rather than assuming that the most experienced people know best and have all the answers.

I really doubt that a senior leader would have invested time in encouraging you unless they have seen potential in you. You got a lot of positive feedback and the fact you are questioning it rather than being very happy to hear it, makes me think that this person is correct. If you had more confidence, you would have seen this more positively.

Whenever I've given that feedback I mean exactly that. That I think they are great, that the team think they are great and that they should believe them are great themselves.
It's often advice that's needed for young women who set high standards for themselves and perhaps have some imposter syndrome going on. I would love for them to see what I see of their abilities because they are usually highly capable and could progress quickly with a bit more self belief.

The starting point would be to not take it as a warning or criticism of any kind, but as an encouragement that you're good and need to start believing in yourself. It's very telling that your first instinct is to see the negative and worry. Look into ways to genuinely work on your confidence and self esteem so that you can positively respond to her encouragement. Being confident isn't about being loud in meetings. It's often quite the opposite. By all means, follow up and seek her support as a mentor to help fulfil your potential but do the work yourself - read up on it, take action, and most of all reframe those pesky doubts!

At a senior level, what I really wanted from my team was the conviction to carry through tasks without much supervision.

I didn't mind if competent attempts failed. I didn't mind if someone needed to bounce ideas around, or needed help doing a task. But needing to cheerlead a perfectly competent adult through their job wasn't what I really wanted.

Yes! As a leader, I always rated those who had the confidence to make their point once, clearly, over those who'd blabber on.

I didn't hire someone once, because however we framed a question, they brought it back to other people - what they thought of the work, what they thought of her, what she wanted to do for them.

They were replacing a super needy member of staff, and honestly, it's a drain supporting someone like that. And because the rest of the team were lovely, they ALL bent over backwards to help this member of staff feel happy - but it was NEVER enough. People liked her, but she drained them.

Confidence is best simple and understated. They're not asking you to become a loud mouth. They're asking you to just have faith in yourself.

I've given this advice twice in recent years and it was meant genuinely. In most roles you need to convince others of ideas or the right way forward. To do that successfully you need to display confidence in the views you are expressing. The first person I said it to seemed to take it on board and is now absolutely flying with two promotions in as many years. The younger woman hasn't changed her behaviour yet. She's absolutely brilliant and what she does and just needs to speak more confidently about it so everyone else realised that.

I read it as them not thinking you realise your potential in yourself and therefore may not go for promotion when it comes up.

I say this to good staff who don't realise themselves or their potential - it's good!

He means you need to stop taking professional advice as some kind of
negative slur.

Thank the person for their feedback, and ask them to mentor you.

Ask then what they meant and how they think you could do this! Ask for examples.

This.

They often feel they have to give you some sort of ‘constructive criticism’. It’s just noise unless you believe you do hold back? Otherwise carry on as you are.

he knows you’re strong in your field and has confidence in your skills but suspects you are less confident in yourself. It’s positive.

Maybe have the confidence to go back and ask what they mean?

I would expect they meant you have the skills and a good reputation, so be more confident to give your opinion, ask questions, and stretch yourself further as they see you have potential.

I mean this kindly having read your previous threads and knowing therefore the major history of anxiety you have been coping with - you are catastrophising again.

This is an innocuous phrase that people use when they can see that an employee doesn't see how good they are but want to offer reassurance.

Take it as reinforcement that you are overthinking and overanxious at work, not inspiration for another panic spiral.

You were worried this meeting was something sinister. It wasn't but now you're searching for something new to panic about. Don't. They were offering reassurance, you need to be able to accept that.

I hope you can get support to address your thinking style because it sounds miserable for you. This was a good thing, don't turn it into yet another thing to worry over.

When I’ve given it as feedback it means “you are better at what you do than you believe yourself to be, and it would be great if you felt able to own that more and grow more.” I like pps suggestion of asking them to mentor you / help you find good mentor. It’s all positive

It's a positive.

He's confirming that you are highly regarded and respected and you can have confidence in yourself on both those points.

It’s coaching and feedback. Your manager has invested time in your development

This won't be popular but I would ignore it and carry on doing what you are doing. Your work is obviously excellent and that's all that should matter. It wasn't the confidence thing that stood out to me though. It was being "quiet and reserved"

I wouldn't be happy at all if this was pointed out to me because quite frankly it's none of their business. It's your personality and you shouldn't have to change that for anyone.

I'm a first time manager and the rosin I'm managing is absolutely brilliant at her job but has no self confidence at all (quite young and junior) I think I've given similar feedback meant in a positive way in the sense that she should believe in herself more than she does
I see something in her she doesn't see in herself
So I would take this in a positive way if I were you

Also for me its not about speaking up in meetings or being "visible" its more about stop deferring to your superior every time you're asked a question by a client because by now you know your job and can do it yourself