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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Emotional rant

22 replies

gonewithtthewind · 01/10/2022 06:52

Now, I want to start this post by saying I know I may sound like a complete spoilt brat, and I just want to make it clear it isn't about the stuff, it's about the empty promises and the principle of it all. I'm pregnant and very hormonal so I know this may heighten things.

I'm currently half way through my pregnancy, from the very beginning my parents have promised to buy use a pram (we never asked nor expected this) but they promised due to the fact they did the same for my sister. We found a cheap one from smyths that we liked, so I sent the link LIKE THEY ASKED ME TOO. This was a few months back, I said there was no rush to get it but they insisted that they would be buying said pram in august/September. I honestly didn't think much about it because I've been let down so many times before I've kind of just been expecting it. They got my sister a £2000 pram when she was pregnant.
I've been to my parents a few times recently, they never make the visit to come and see me, ever. We live about half an hour away. Anyway, they have been moaning none stop about having no money, despite recently going on a very expensive holiday, spending £1000 in a week, booking multiple concerts, booking 3 holidays for next year. They have money, more money than they have ever had. Yet there has still been a lot of moaning about having no money, which may I add is a little bit of a kick in the teeth when we genuinely have no money. This past week my dad said about the pram, how they didn't know how they could afford it but said they would still get it for us. I just said it was fine and I would get a free one from marketplace but there was still the promise that they would buy this pram. The one we wanted wasn't too expensive, we went out of our way to find a cheap one we liked. It was around £280. We don't have the money for it so as stupid as it is I was relying on their promise. In order to buy my sisters pram a few years back they put themselves into debt for it (I would never expect that) they also bought her an expensive tv at the same time.

Anyway, on Thursday they said they weren't getting us the pram. Major kick in the teeth really, I ended up getting one for free from marketplace so it's fine really, I guess it's just the principle of it all. Our child is already being treated differently to their other grandchildren, we've had nothing (again we don't expect anything) when they have bought near enough everything for my siblings, my aunties also bought stuff for my siblings and again we have had nothing. I don't care about being bought things, I don't want anything it's just the principle and the promises of it all. It truly breaks my heart in two that I mean so little to them and that now my child does too. I don't care how im treated but I won't put up with someone treating my child this way, I would never want them to feel how I have felt growing up, I have no problem cutting them out of my life if that's how it'll be.

We don't have a tv, ours broke, they know this and bought themselves a second tv and bragged about it. Yet though bought my sister a new tv coz hers wasn't big enough. Our car recently completed packed out and had to be scrapped, they don't make the effort to see us despite having a brand new car and us not having one. They expect me to go down there and look after their 3 dogs while they're going on holiday and to all these concerts (they stay away for a few days after); they expect me to travel on public transport for 2 hours to get there and 2 hours back and yet I don't get paid for it and I don't get a thanks either; saying that I don't even get asked to do it I just get told I'm doing it! They book these things before even asking me!

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I know I'm expecting too much from people who I have never got anything from, I guess you hang onto that thought that things will change or can change but I know deep down nothing will ever change. They've never been great to me really but I've forgiven and sometimes I question why because I'm always treated the same. I've done everything on my own my whole life and I guess pregnancy is no different, it's so lonely, really lonely and I just know how alone I'm going to be once my baby is here. I have support from my husband but that's it, and he has to go back to work. It's just hard, really hard and I don't think I've stopped crying about it for the past 3 days, I'm crying writing this now! I think I know the best thing for me and my baby is to walk away but it's hard when that's all you have, I always feel some obligation to be there for them, despite them never being there for me and I don't know why.

I'm sorry this post is so long and so moanie, there is a lot more I could add but it would never end! I don't really know what to do anymore, I just feel lost

OP posts:
Ewarty · 01/10/2022 06:57

Aw OP.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. As you say, the issue isn't the pram as such, it's how you understandably feel unfairly treated, and all the crap emotions that will inevitably cause.

Has your sister always been the golden child?

Isaidnoalready · 01/10/2022 06:59

OK,

Stop treating them kindly and expecting them to do the same they won't clearly they have proven that time and time again

Watch the dog on xyz-reply can't this time sorry
Want a visit? they can drive you simply cannot afford public transport your wasting YOUR time YOUR money YOUR effort for what? Really for WHAT?

Disengage and leave them too their new car and two tvs you DONT need them

gonewithtthewind · 01/10/2022 07:02

Ewarty · 01/10/2022 06:57

Aw OP.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. As you say, the issue isn't the pram as such, it's how you understandably feel unfairly treated, and all the crap emotions that will inevitably cause.

Has your sister always been the golden child?

Exactly.

Always, despite how she treats people she has always been the 'favourite'

OP posts:
CardiffMam · 01/10/2022 07:02

When they ask you to travel to look after the dogs just say, "No sorry, can't afford the travel costs". Your baby needs to come first now OP. Take this opportunity to learn to say no.

gonewithtthewind · 01/10/2022 07:03

Isaidnoalready · 01/10/2022 06:59

OK,

Stop treating them kindly and expecting them to do the same they won't clearly they have proven that time and time again

Watch the dog on xyz-reply can't this time sorry
Want a visit? they can drive you simply cannot afford public transport your wasting YOUR time YOUR money YOUR effort for what? Really for WHAT?

Disengage and leave them too their new car and two tvs you DONT need them

I know. I know you're so so right, it's just so hard to walk away when you not only care so much (despite them not caring about me) and also the fact you have no one else. I know it needs to be done, not only for me but for my child mostly.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 01/10/2022 07:06

Tell them to take a running jump over their new tv.

on a side note… have you checked a benefits calculator to see if you are entitled to any help if you have very little money.
if you’re able to claim universal credit you can get the sure start maternity grant for your first baby

blueberry23 · 01/10/2022 07:06

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I do have to ask why you are having a baby when your financial situation is so precarious?

Babies are expensive, if you can't afford to get a new tv or buy a pram, what are you going to do when life gets expensive with a new baby?

FWIW your parents aren't being fair, but I'd have also thought this through a bit before falling pregnant and gotten myself in to a situation where I didn't have to rely on others for financial support.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 01/10/2022 07:09

Maybe op should just shove the baby back in then?

DashboardConfessional · 01/10/2022 07:09

blueberry23 · 01/10/2022 07:06

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I do have to ask why you are having a baby when your financial situation is so precarious?

Babies are expensive, if you can't afford to get a new tv or buy a pram, what are you going to do when life gets expensive with a new baby?

FWIW your parents aren't being fair, but I'd have also thought this through a bit before falling pregnant and gotten myself in to a situation where I didn't have to rely on others for financial support.

Guess she'll just have to magic the baby away then! Do you really think this post is about the OP's financial situation and not how she is unfairly treated by her family?

OP, you've not really anything to lose. Have you ever confronted them about this? Asked them why your sister is worth a £2k pram and you're not? I would love to see them try and answer.

And of course absolutely say no to dog sitting. Your sister can do it.

girlmom21 · 01/10/2022 07:10

It's shit OP but just stop making the effort. Honestly you'll feel so much more relaxed.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 01/10/2022 07:10

Ignore that, I see the baby hasn't been born yet 🙈

gonewithtthewind · 01/10/2022 07:10

blueberry23 · 01/10/2022 07:06

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I do have to ask why you are having a baby when your financial situation is so precarious?

Babies are expensive, if you can't afford to get a new tv or buy a pram, what are you going to do when life gets expensive with a new baby?

FWIW your parents aren't being fair, but I'd have also thought this through a bit before falling pregnant and gotten myself in to a situation where I didn't have to rely on others for financial support.

I feel your tepid a lion unfair when I'm reality you don't know our situation.

We both worked and were very financially stable before that, I lost my job. We don't rely on anyone, I've got EVERYTHING myself for this baby. A tv isn't out priority at the moment since we are having a baby. We didn't put money aside for a pram as we were promised one again and again. We can afford a pram but there are other things that take priority for my child and we got a good pram for FREE.

OP posts:
gonewithtthewind · 01/10/2022 07:13

Danikm151 · 01/10/2022 07:06

Tell them to take a running jump over their new tv.

on a side note… have you checked a benefits calculator to see if you are entitled to any help if you have very little money.
if you’re able to claim universal credit you can get the sure start maternity grant for your first baby

I have yes, according to the calculator thing we are entitled to a little more money. We have sent it all in we're just waiting for it all to be processed, not sure how long these things take!

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 01/10/2022 07:14

They sound really awful and not people to have in your life sadly. This will carry on if you allow it. Distance yourself and build your own network. You will get to know other parents hopefully. If you want to ,do your absolute minimal duty to them but on your own terms. You will feel stronger by taking control .

gonewithtthewind · 01/10/2022 07:14

@DashboardConfessional I have confronted them in the past but they just claim I'm being silly and that we're treated the same. It's never worth my time because they end up being horrible to me for no reason, they don't see it even when they're told by other people not just me

OP posts:
Ewarty · 01/10/2022 07:16

I do have to ask why you are having a baby when your financial situation is so precarious

Oh give over. You have no idea about OP's situation and your judgement is neither helpful or kind.

Danikm151 · 01/10/2022 07:16

@gonewithtthewind that’s good. As soon as baby is born make sure you add the child element to your universal credit and claim child benefit. Every little helps.

girlmom21 · 01/10/2022 07:19

Oh, and OP, don't let anyone tell you you're over sensitive because of hormones. Your emotions are always perfectly valid, pregnant or not.

shandon14 · 01/10/2022 07:41

Actions always speak louder than words OP, you now know who your parents are and it's quite likely that once you have the baby this will feel even worse - you are not being emotional. I also struggled with parental indifference when I had my child and it was heartbreaking to me.

But, I learned that you can make your own tribe and your own life. Invest time in people who invest time in you. Seek friendships with other first time mums. You would be right to drop the rope with your parents. When you have a baby, forget taking a bus to see them or dog sitting.

And Flowers for you for having this experience of unfairness re your sister. It sucks....but it's not about you, leave them all to it and have a lovely life with your new little family x

Minimalme · 01/10/2022 09:39

It's so shit op.

Mentally write them off. Atm they have lots of power over you, which they clearly enjoy.

Concentrate on you and your baby.

My parents were awful and I let them dick about with my emotions for many years until I realised that I didn't need parents.

I stopped waiting, hoping, serving and performing tricks to get them to love me.

I am much happier.

Anywhereelse · 01/10/2022 09:55

My parents weren’t great either for various reasons and for your own sanity sometimes you just need to find the strength to back away, distance yourself and say no. Allow yourself to grieve if you wish for the parents you wish you’d had, but we can’t make people be something they refuse to be. Your parents have shown you who they are - learn from it for your own sanity. Seek some counselling if you feel that might be useful.

Say no to future dog-sitting - it’s expensive for you to do in terms of travel costs, disrupts your life, and soon you will have a baby who you can say you don’t want around dogs for a prolonged period of time. And you’ll be too tired to travel and care for the dogs and baby anyway. Your sister can step up or they can put them in kennels etc.

When your baby is here concentrate on getting yourself out to baby groups, go swimming etc just to see if you can meet some other new parents to help build up friendships and a support network. It can help some new parents with feeling less isolated, particularly if you don’t have family around (like me, and I found this helped).

FlippertyGibberts · 01/10/2022 12:31

OP, it's OK to be upset by all of this, and actually it's OK to probably expect your DPs to buy what they said they'd buy for your baby (and what they bought for your sibling). Why don't you think about reframing the relationship in a way that works for you?

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