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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social services ....

42 replies

netflixandnaps · 30/09/2022 11:54

AIBU to be really peed off with this situation?

My step father with bad dementia and insulin/pill medicated diabetes (85) has been in respite care for 4 weeks since my mum was admitted to hospital after collapsing, he’s due to come out Sunday, however, we’ve just informed social services that my 77 year old mother (who’s now apparently meant to look after him (up close) and clean up his daily unpredictable explosive diarrhoea) has got COVID, but they seem to have no issues releasing a sick man with dementia into a home with covid. There are carers in place to come four times a day (for personal care only) but will they want to come into a house with covid and who's meant to let them in while my mother is sick in bed and step father can't answer the door for obvious reasons.

We've notified the home and SS but they seem to have no thought for my step father or my mother (main carer).

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 30/09/2022 16:57

LaurieFairyCake · 30/09/2022 12:54

She can just refuse to have him home as it's not safe and he will stay in

But she has to be really firm about that and they will try to emotionally blackmail her Sad

This. I had hospital social workers really pushing me to sort out discharge for my friend. I stood my ground and said he would be unsafe. A strongly worded email from his son eventually put a stop to it. He was discharged to a nursing home and the LA social worker was fab.

Miffee · 30/09/2022 17:02

Mum has no choice but to have him home as she doesn't have the funds to keep him in the care home

What does this mean OP? Are ASC saying he is a full cost payer (has savings/income over the threshold for LA financial support)?

Or are your parents entitled to financial support but they are saying his needs can be effectively met at home?

Kiktikat · 30/09/2022 17:04

Can’t you help?

Miffee · 30/09/2022 17:07

Mischance · 30/09/2022 13:08

Just say no. Refuse for him to be home till proper care is in place. Make it clear to the home and SS that he cannot come home. Mention the words Vulnerable Adults, and statutory duties.

I had carers in and out for my OH and you could bet your life that he would be fine when they were there, then s**t himself the minute they left and I would have to deal with it.

Anyone got power of attorney?

I hate this shit.

The words "vulnerable adult" means fuck all and ASC are well aware of their stat duties.

All quoting shit like this indicates is that that somebody has been Googling.

Original poster
netflixandnaps · 30/09/2022 21:13

My sister is a care home coordinator of all the homes in the local area and goes in to them all, there's only 2 that don't absolutely stink of pee and he's in one of them and they need his bed now as it's only respite.

The carers are coming in to check pad and that's it, which is shit because mum could do that, that is the easiest part. They've allocated 10 - 20 mins per visit unless there's an issue.

We have spoken to SS and they are adamant there's nothing they can do, the only thing is for mum to put him in the other care home which is £1.4K a week.

My auntie was in a home and the smell would hit you before you walked into the dementia unit and mum simply cannot let that happen. She's completely stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Allowing him to come home is utterly disgusting - we can't go into a home with covid due to the risks but they're allowing him to come into it.

The only good bit is that he has daycare to go to twice a week for 5 hours.

OP posts:
Miffee · 30/09/2022 21:54

netflixandnaps · 30/09/2022 21:13

My sister is a care home coordinator of all the homes in the local area and goes in to them all, there's only 2 that don't absolutely stink of pee and he's in one of them and they need his bed now as it's only respite.

The carers are coming in to check pad and that's it, which is shit because mum could do that, that is the easiest part. They've allocated 10 - 20 mins per visit unless there's an issue.

We have spoken to SS and they are adamant there's nothing they can do, the only thing is for mum to put him in the other care home which is £1.4K a week.

My auntie was in a home and the smell would hit you before you walked into the dementia unit and mum simply cannot let that happen. She's completely stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Allowing him to come home is utterly disgusting - we can't go into a home with covid due to the risks but they're allowing him to come into it.

The only good bit is that he has daycare to go to twice a week for 5 hours.

So am I correct in thinking that SS will fund a placement just not in your desired care home?

Miffee · 30/09/2022 22:05

If that is the case its not ss doing this is you and your family.

KittenKins · 01/10/2022 04:37

Care at home is limited usually* to four calls a day. Yes, that means people sit in dirty pads for several hours until carers come & change the person. It's sad, but it is what the system provides. If he comes home & the care company, ASC or family are concerned then action will be taken, usually only after something happens like a call, fire etc. It's no life, but for most it's what is provided unless you have a higher level of need & a good social worker.

  • I say usually, more can be provided but it's cheaper to provide a nursing home, & if funded by ASC/CHC you have to meet their idea of high risk, not yours.
Zebedee55 · 01/10/2022 04:45

Your mum needs to tell the hospital/SSD that she cannot have him home, as it's unsafe and she cannot cope.

She, with your backing, needs to stand firm on this - they just want him out of the hospital.

Regardless of what your mum can afford, SSD need to sort him out an appropriate care home - and fund it. That's how the system works.

But, you really do need to stand firm - they will try to convince you to give it a try etc.

Good luck - I've "lived this dream" with my parents, but you have to be ruthless with them.

Keep saying "no". Tell them she's coming yo stay with you for a while, so your Dad cannot be discharged home.

Miffee · 01/10/2022 07:20

Zebedee55 · 01/10/2022 04:45

Your mum needs to tell the hospital/SSD that she cannot have him home, as it's unsafe and she cannot cope.

She, with your backing, needs to stand firm on this - they just want him out of the hospital.

Regardless of what your mum can afford, SSD need to sort him out an appropriate care home - and fund it. That's how the system works.

But, you really do need to stand firm - they will try to convince you to give it a try etc.

Good luck - I've "lived this dream" with my parents, but you have to be ruthless with them.

Keep saying "no". Tell them she's coming yo stay with you for a while, so your Dad cannot be discharged home.

He's not in hospital. He's in a care home and they need the bed for another resident. Care homes are businesses.

Regardless of what your mum can afford, SSD need to sort him out an appropriate care home - and fund it. That's how the system works

That isn't how the system works. SS assess then decide how needs can be effectively met. If it's a directly commissioned service (like a care home) they then decide what you can afford and charge you based on that. Now from what OP has said I agree that a care home would be appropriate however OP then said this.

My auntie was in a home and the smell would hit you before you walked into the dementia unit and mum simply cannot let that happen. She's completely stuck between a rock and a hard place

Which implies SS have identified an appropriate care home and OP and family have rejected it due to thr smell. That isn't how the system works. You can't pick a much more expensive option and expect it to be funded.

mamabear715 · 01/10/2022 10:29

1.4K a WEEK? My sis & I found an awesome home for our late mum, can't praise it highly enough, & that was 800-900 a week..

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 01/10/2022 10:39

Refuse to take him home. It sounds awful but I would put this back to social services to deal with. Your mum clearly can't cope and he is a danger to himself and others by what you wrote.

Original poster
netflixandnaps · 01/10/2022 17:21

@Miffee

No. They haven't offered us any other placement. His time is up on the 2nd and he's coming home. That's what SS have said.

OP posts:
Original poster
netflixandnaps · 01/10/2022 17:24

@Miffee

We've not rejected anywhere. He was put in a home as an emergency as mum was taken into hospital. It was literally the closest to home and as my sister knows the manager, luckily they had a spare bed. My mother has currently paid for 4 weeks @ £950 per week. But as his time is now up - and his bed has been asked for, the carers are in place, we've been given no other option for a different home, just for him to come home.

OP posts:
KittenKins · 02/10/2022 01:44

If he is self funding then it's often left up to you to start phoning places for another placement, be it short or long term depending on want or need. Have you tried anywhere?

Signeduptosimplyreplytothis · 02/10/2022 01:47

If they are deemed able to self fund then simply ask if the home has a permanent bed he can swap into can continue paying the bills

Signeduptosimplyreplytothis · 02/10/2022 01:49

And as a pp states as you are funding the placement the expectation is on you as family to find a place you want him to live in if that home is full/respite only

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