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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on these play dates?

46 replies

WonWillieBrand · 30/09/2022 08:32

I have a 2 year old DD. Friend has a 3 year old DD. We were keen to build up a friendship between them both but I’m finding the 3 year old quite difficult. When we go over to their house she won’t let my 2 year old play with anything, everytime my DD picks something up the 3 year old rushes over and snatches it off her saying “that’s mine”. My DD gets so upset as she’s just not allowed to touch anything and she doesn’t understand why. Yesterday DD gave up on trying to play with the toys and went to play in the Wendy house in the garden - the 3 year old rushed over and sat in the doorway so she couldn’t go in it. DD went to play on the slide so the 3 year old rushed up and sat at the top of the slide so she couldn’t use it. My DD ended up heartbroken sobbing. My friend half heartedly tells her DD to share but then pretends she hasn’t seen her take something else off her.

She’s the same when we go to park, everytime DD tries to play on something the 3 year old will rush over and sit on it and on occasion, literally pull DD off it.

AIBU to think these play dates are just not working out? I don’t want my DD upset all the time. Is this normal behaviour for a 3 year old?

OP posts:

prescribingmum · 30/09/2022 09:05

In my experience, it is quite normal for children to rediscover their own toys and want them back purely because another child has taken interest in it. I've seen it happen with both mine and others on play dates. What is not normal (or acceptable) is the parent allowing this and not bothering to parent their child.

We used to put special toys away on play dates when younger and once 3, would tell children to put away anything they didn't want to share. Everything that was left was to be played with by all and whoever picked it up first had a turn. They were not allowed to snatch because it was theirs and they were also not allowed to prevent others from going on equipment.

I would also stop seeing this friend in your shoes. She is the problem, not her daughter.

Kumri · 30/09/2022 09:06

It’s normal for a 3 year old to behave like this, just as a 3 year old may scream or hit, but it is also normal for the child’s mum to intervene and force their child to share / take turns. A mum who isn’t willing to do that should not be hosting playdates.

Ditch the playdates and tell the mum why.

Sharing isn’t a natural human impulse, she’s going to have to teach her child to do it at some point.

When my child was that age, I’d talk to her about the issue before the playdate, explain that she could choose 3 ‘special toys’ to be out away in a cupboard, but everything else was for sharing with friends and that is the purpose of toys, to be played with. There were sometimes tears (sometimes many many tears!) but it mostly worked ok. If she kicked off during the playdate I removed her from the situation (while her friends continued to play with her toys) and brought her back when she was calmer. By the time she was four she was a generous kind child and this made her very popular at school.

You can’t make your friend be a better mum though. If she’s too lazy to teach this - and it’s HARD WORK - then she gets a rude kid with no friends 🤷‍♀️

AisforApplePie · 30/09/2022 09:09

WonWillieBrand · 30/09/2022 08:46

It’s not that the 3 year old wants to play with these things though, she just doesn’t want my DD to play with them. Yesterday she took something off DD and then ran off and hid it!

I do tell her at the park but it’s harder in their own house. She was the same when she came to my house, everytime DD picked something up 3 year old rushed over and said “hey! I want to play with that!”

This is normal behaviour OP, her daughter has the ‘it’s mines’ and you have all of this to come at some point! But her mother needs to manage it and teach her daughter. Children don’t understand sharing till they’re a little bit older but it’s up to us as parents to manage such behaviour.

If you don’t want to go then don’t go, but don’t be too judgemental of the child as your DD will likely go through the same stage at some point

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 30/09/2022 09:10

Give her a copy of this. We have it, it's brilliant.

Keroppi · 30/09/2022 09:10

Yes, relatively normal, but you and your friend need to be constantly supervising and saying things like:
No, it's 2YearOlds turn now, you can play with it after her go. Let's count and see how fast she can slide down the slide, then we will count you
You must wait your turn, 3YearOld. That's how we play together nicely

3YearOld, you're bigger, so you can show 2YearOld how to play nicely/share/take turns like big girls
After this lets play this all together etc
Perhaps a more structured playdate would be better for you all, e.g. a craft activity or going round a farm or whatever and then grabbing a coffee. It'll feel a bit like playgroup and less relaxing while the girls play but it'll get easier as they learn to socialise with each other, hopefully!

And lots of praising and reinforcing when she does reluctantly stop being possessive/waits her turn.
If mum is not interested or worse, is angry at you for supervising, drop the friendship or suggest to meet no kids in future as "the girls aren't playing together nicely, so you can try again when they're older" or similar

SlashBeef · 30/09/2022 09:11

Normal 3 year old behaviour but her mother should be stepping in every single time to correct it. Don't go on anymore playdates and if you're feeling brave enough, say why!

Raindancer411 · 30/09/2022 09:14

I would just stop with the play dates myself. It's not benefiting your daughter at all.

Summerfun54321 · 30/09/2022 09:29

Your child doesn’t need to tolerate someone else’s shitty parenting. Decline the play dates and say they don’t get alone and see the friend by yourself without kids if you like her.

Mariposista · 30/09/2022 10:04

Of course YANBU. Sorry to say but Your friend sounds like a shite mother, doing nothing to curb her child’s bratty behaviour that is upsetting your sweet kid who just wants to play. Find her some more decent little mates at nursery to play with.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/09/2022 10:06

When my dd was about 2 or 3 I made friends with another mum who was really lovely but her dd was horrible and used to make mine cry. I mean she was just nasty. We moved away and went to meet up with them and that was the last time. My dd is pretty chilled but she was in bits over this girl's treatment of her. The mum sent me a text to apologise and I said thanks but we never met them again.

Goldbar · 30/09/2022 10:43

The issue is the mother's response. If her daughter has problems sharing, the mother needs to get her to choose some toys that she'd like to share before the playdate and put away any toys that are going to cause issues. And then intervene if she's still unwilling to share.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/09/2022 10:48

The impulse is normal and it is up to the parent to manage the behaviour. If your friend is choosing not to do that, don't continue to meet up for playdates - you could say your DC doesn't want to, and you don't want to force her.

babyyodaxmas · 17/11/2022 07:01

Do you have a one a clock club you could meet at ? There everything is up for sharing.....

YellowTreeHouse · 17/11/2022 07:05

This is normal behaviour for 3 year olds. It’s not normal behaviour for their parents though, or at least it shouldn’t be.

Your friend is the problem here, not the toddler, who doesn’t as yet have full capability of being able to understand sharing.

RedHelenB · 17/11/2022 07:31

I can't believe how wet some of these type of posts are. If the mum won't step in then you need to. Really simple. Yabu.

LemonDrizzles · 17/11/2022 07:35

Take your own toys perhaps?

CornedBeef451 · 17/11/2022 07:38

I had to stop seeing a friend for similar reasons. She was nice to chat to but didn't discipline her son as he repeatedly tried to pull DD's hair.

If I told him off out of desperation she'd be pissy with me so I didn't meet up with them again and just saw her at group things and kept DD far away from her DS.

sheepdogdelight · 17/11/2022 07:45

I think it's normal behaviour for 3 year olds not to want to share their toys.

I also wonder, why it's considered "polite" that they have to! Adults don't have to share their things unless they want to ...

I'd suggest meeting on neutral territory or just meeting your friend without children. It might be convenient for you that your two DC get along, but they are not obliged to.

BelleMarionette · 18/11/2022 09:13

Is her mum not correcting this behaviour? Children do sometimes behave like this, but with correction it improves. If the mum isn't encouraging good behaviour then there is no hope. This sounds like an adult problem, not a child problem.

Sceptre86 · 18/11/2022 09:21

My nephew was like this with my dd and it annoyed me but especially when he would do it with dd's own toys. My dh's cousins little girl has started doing this too and she is 2. I think some kids just do. She will pull anything my 1 year old is holding causing her to cry. I intervene where possible and say no and give her another toy instead. If she starts to cry then I give her to her mother. She isn't being naughty as such as its too early for them to understand but parents should in my view intervene when their child does this. The last time my dd hit her over the head with her rattle as niece was trying to pull it off her.

CecilyP · 18/11/2022 09:28

If the visits are just play dates, I wouldn't bother. The children are not playing together. The friendship isn't being built up, it's not working at all. If the mum is your friend and you want to visit to enjoy her company, you could still go ahead. It is up to you if you think it is worth it if you have to police the children constantly.

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