How to handle this mum at school gate

[NewSTArt221]

I’m feeling very anxious when I see this mother at the school gate as she has been complaining to me that our kids don’t get along. They are very young and just started school! Her child seems like the type to go telling tales to mummy whilst mine doesn’t share every little detail, it’s so hard even getting one sentence out about the day!

I felt very awkward recently as the father seems to know my name and a lot of other details like my child etc. whereas I didn’t know who he was till he told me! I’m feeling quite tense when I see them. I thought going off to school was supposed to be a lovely start for my little one to make friends etc. is this quite normal? I want to keep my distance but it’s a small school and we bump into each other everywhere

Just respond by saying ‘ shall we speak to the teacher together? Find out what’s going on?’

Most schools have a policy that you do not approach parents about friendships, you go to the teacher. Otherwise your meeting fire with fire, so what they’re doing is wrong.

I'd channel the inner certainty that your dc don't need to get on. There are others in the class. You don't need to verbalise it or imply it or hint at it. Just know it.

If your child has supposed committed some misdemeanour, say you'll speak to the teacher. No matter what they say ",I'll speak to the teacher.

Ignore and let the school sort it out - they will approach you if necessary.

can you practice saying some breezy things to yourself so you’re more prepared next time? ‘Oh really? I haven’t heard similar’ and physically move away to another part of the playground.

You’re in control of who you mix with and they can’t hurt you. There’s nothing threatening about in this present day situation so you might be fearful based on past experiences in your life rather than this?

"Oh, when they're at school I let the teachers sort it out!"

Her child seems like the type to go telling tales to mummy

Maybe the child is feeling upset enough to want to talk to the Mother about it, rather than a teacher. 🤷
My Reception age DC came home the other day and said she had been kicked and shoved by a boy in her class. I asked her why she hadn't spoken to an adult about it at the time, she replied that it hadn't felt "safe".
It's not 'telling tales'; it's communicating upset.
However, the other parent should have spoken to the teacher, not you, about it.

Thank you all. That’s really interesting what a PP asked regarding if I feel threatened about this due to past experiences. Thinking about it yes the awkwardness is because I feel threatened, I really didn’t consider this! I think I do need to analyse why it makes me feel so bad.

This is great.

Exactly this.

Also make sure not to form any other relationship with these people. Polite but distant for future school runs.

Headphones.

'Oh goodness, dc hasn't said anything about your kid, so I have no idea. Tell you what, I'll email the teacher, & we can both ask him/her to keep an eye on the pair of them. If it's looking like it's ongoing, he/she can set up a meeting with us? It's a shame they aren't getting on right now, & if it's an issue at school it certainly needs flagging up...I will email <teacher> this evening.'

Do NOT make it your problem to fix, or you'll a) have months if not years of it & b) if/when the teacher DOES have to get involved, there'll be a back history of 'my kid said/that didn't happen' etc between you & the other parent, which will muddy the waters.

Just be pleasant & stick with 'oh we should tell Mr/Ms Bloggs they are not getting on so it can be monitored'.

Oh god, that parent is in for a rough ride doing this in reception. Id just breezily reply 'theyre 4, they'll be friends by next week' and if they come up again I'd just say 'speak to the teacher then' and ignore.

They are very young and just started school! Her child seems like the type to go telling tales to mummy

Most 5 yr olds with a grievance will tell mummy , perfectly normal behaviour at that age and stage. Most mothers of a 5 yr old will try to sort it out.

You diss the mother, the father and the child for behaviours you consider odd or abnormal but your main concern is your own feelings.

Is this about your child at all?

I find it really disconcerting when grown adults effectively gossip about another child. Speak to the teacher and encourage your DC to play with other kids.

“Sorry, remind me again, who are you?”
Said in the tone of your choice.
Followed up with “And who is your child?”
Followed up with “I’m not sure mine knows yours to be friends with yet. Isn’t it great that there are twenty-nine other children in the class for them to try to befriend?”
I’d go for the tone of Princess Margaret because we are not at home to shit stirrers or drama-mongers.

I wish I'd had this above advice back when my DC started. I politely indulged and listened to concerns for years, petty petty things!! With hindsight, I should've directed it all back to the teacher from the get go, if it's on school grounds it's for them to sort (bar anything terrible of course). Encourage a wider friendship group too.

Defect. Say it's a matter for the school