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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried DS is hiding his sexuality?

21 replies

numseven · 29/09/2022 15:11

DS is 17, last summer he told me and DP he was bi, all fine and we didn't mind. At the start of this year he told me he was gay, again I was fine with this and I sort of knew. He got into a relationship with a boy and was with him for a couple of months, and he came out to BIL and a few of his friends. He was planning on coming out to FIL about a month ago but decided not to which was fine if he wasn't ready.

Recently, he's been saying he's straight and told us all to forget what he said, that he's never liked boys etc.

I'm just worried he's hiding his sexuality as he thinks it'll be ‘easier’ but DP has said it's none of my business and he was probably just experimenting but if this was the case I don't think he would've came out to people etc

Aibu?

OP posts:

eyeteevee · 29/09/2022 15:13

Have you not just told him he doesn't have to update you with a label?

10HailMarys · 29/09/2022 15:13

It doesn't matter. Just let him get on with it. Maybe he doesn't know what he is. Maybe he's asexual. Maybe he was just experimenting. He'll share in his own time if he wants to.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2022 15:15

eyeteevee · 29/09/2022 15:13

Have you not just told him he doesn't have to update you with a label?

Exactly this. Tell him he doesn't need to give you a label and you'll accept any partner he has.

VatofTea · 29/09/2022 15:15

He might just still be figuring it out.

Google Jaiden animation Aero Ace - there is an interesting video about Jaiden's understanding her sexuality.

XCTX · 29/09/2022 15:16

I wouldn't think he's hiding it from what you've said, thankfully in this day and age very few people would feel the need to hide it, especially with what appears to be very supportive parents in you both!

I think your husband is right, he's still figuring himself out and experimenting, sexuality is really fluid. I wouldn't worry and just go with the flow re: what your DS says whilst he figures it out.

StandingInTheMoment · 29/09/2022 15:20

He’ll figure it out. Let him know that he doesn’t need to announce his sexuality and that you’re there for him always.

WithIcePlease · 29/09/2022 15:20

I agree that sexuality doesn't need to be labelled
I've had sexual relationships with at least 3 men who have been to bed with other men in their youth and decided that it wasn't for them. Or maybe it was later - I don't know as a couple were many moons ago! Id view it as experimentation. Also known similar with female friends

FlorettaB · 29/09/2022 15:21

I think teens are very obsessed with labels these days. You seem to be looking for a label for him too. Try to relax and just let him be. As long as it’s consensual and he’s happy let him try all the flavours!

Quitelikeit · 29/09/2022 15:22

Worry about the things you can change not the things you can’t

AdoraBell · 29/09/2022 15:23

Just keep supporting him, make it clear it’s okay whichever/whatever he feels is his sexuality.

Original poster

numseven · 29/09/2022 15:31

I have told him he didn't need a label and he didn't mention anything for a while until recently when he's been telling us all he's straight, me and DP don't care if he's gay, bi or straight but his dad is homophobic and was abusive towards DS when he was younger and he did see him about a month ago for the first time in about 3 years so I'm worried in case he's got something to do with it

OP posts:

VatofTea · 29/09/2022 15:33

numseven · 29/09/2022 15:31

keep telling him you love him for being his true authentic self, whatever that is at any given time.

ThisShipIsSinking · 29/09/2022 15:39

He doesn' t need to seek approval regarding his sexuality, or label it, he just needs to accept himself fully regardless of others opinions.

AnonWeeMouse · 29/09/2022 15:41

He likely doesn't know for sure himself and maybe will never know. 43 and I'm not so sure myself most days.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 29/09/2022 15:43

I'm gay, and I've been through this myself. There's nothing you can do really, besides listen and support, and give him a safe place to be. (Which it sounds like you do.)

IME it's relatively unusual for teenagers who've come out as bi or gay to fully 'in' themselves again, and it be permanent. So there could be some context to this.

He might be still figuring things out, or he might be 'inning' himself out of self-protection, if he's had a bad break-up or afraid of the reaction of a particular person. (I did this when I was in my late teens, because when I came out to my mother she didn't handle it well, and she told me that my grandparents would disown me if I told them. So I went back 'in' again and told everyone to ignore what I'd told them. I couldn't hack the lies in the end so came out again a few months later.)

Thing is, you can't force it. All you can do is love and support and listen and not judge. He'll get who he is sooner or later. And he isn't obliged to tell you, or indeed anyone, if he doesn't want to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/09/2022 15:43

his dad is homophobic and was abusive towards DS when he was younger and he did see him about a month ago for the first time in about 3 years so I'm worried in case he's got something to do with it

Why the sudden contact? Regardless, he needs to work through his feelings and you being kind and calm and non-judgemental will help.

Whatwouldscullydo · 29/09/2022 15:47

ThisShipIsSinking · 29/09/2022 15:39

He doesn' t need to seek approval regarding his sexuality, or label it, he just needs to accept himself fully regardless of others opinions.

This

I will add though having kinda been through this with my oldest dd, that the pressure at school to label yourself is pretty high.

The thing that worried me the most is that despite the fact both dds have been aware from a young age explained in child friendly terms In general conversation not some big deal making event, that some men marry men amd some women marry women, and her knowing I attended the wedding of a friend to her wife , that somehow at school their was this idea planted that kids weren't safe. That they would he kicked out because in other countries they were murdered. Like some massive race to the bottom where they were nothing but victims even in loving homes with parents who didn't care they were gay. ( I'd suspected a while and totally didn't care)

I would worry that something similar was happening and to just make sure he knows you love and support him.

eyeteevee · 29/09/2022 16:20

That's quite the drop deed.

Yes it's likely he is reacting to his contact with his dad.

eyeteevee · 29/09/2022 16:20

Drop deed

DRIP FEED

Original poster

numseven · 29/09/2022 16:30

DS was struggling and was told seeing his dad would help, he seemed fine when he got back and said it was ‘ok’ and was up for seeing him again, although it was whilst me and him wasn't getting along so it could've been because he knew I wasn't really comfortable with it (although I wasn't trying to stop him) and he's now changed his mind and isn't seeing him again.

OP posts:

worriedatthistime · 29/09/2022 19:48

Maybe he still just doesn't know , let him just be him and in time he will know and I am sure you will

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