T/W domestic violence and child abuse.
Posting here for traffic however it's very heavy.
I'd like to tell my story. I see many women scared to leave for finances or the fear of raising a child without both parents. I'd like to tell you about my early life.
The first time my mother rang the police they arrived and asked her, as she sat cradling me with her beaten and bloodied face, "what did you do to wind him up, love?" She never called them again.
I grew up terrified of my father, as a little girl, from maybe aged 3, I'd sit on his knee and essentially flirt with him. I'd sit there, listening to his drunken nonsense, smiling like a little doll, sat in terror if I wasn't cute or engaging enough he'd get up and attack my mother.
He'd bring home men from the pub, they'd create arguments so they'd gain gratification of watching my poor beautiful mother take a beating. This was also a ruse to take me to my room. I'd be abused upstairs as I heard my mother be thrown around downstairs, often her ribs, nose and cheekbones were broken. She was given neckbraces after being strangled more times than I remember.
He dictated everything, what meals were cooked, what perfume my mother wore. He'd call us both fat, ugly, stupid.
As I grew older I was forming bizarre rituals in my head, deals with god that never worked out. This gave me ocd which I still have along side ever lasting depression, anxiety and abhorrent nightmares and terrors.
We only escaped my father because he attacked me so badly I couldn't attend school for 3 weeks. I was put on prozac at 14. I made my mother leave.
It was such a terrifying few months getting "our ducks in a row", I had a nervous breakdown once we lived without him.
My self esteem was so poor I was an easy target for bullies.
I was very sexually active in my early teens, due to no self esteem.
I would drink and take drugs. I had unhealthy and toxic relationships with old men in my teens and early 20s.
My father died last year, the last time I saw him he tried to strangle me after I'd lost a baby.
His last words were, "you horrible woman!" Which is rich coming from such a vile cunt as he was.
I was spat on, my mother would have spit rubbed into her hair after she was beaten.
He'd graphically describe me when he was drunk in ways so despicable it made me hate myself, from when I was aged 8 onward.
Despite the MH issues this gave me I'm a success story, I have a lovely life and even though my mother is a shell of a human, riddled with ptsd, we are close and I adore her.
But I also have ptsd and also survivors guilt because I saw her so fucked up and I couldn't help her, I couldn't convince her to leave.
I see women scared to leave men who control them, I read, "he slaps me when the kids are in bed". They'll know. And the reality is if you're with a partner with such poor impulse control they physically harm you, your children are next.
Everyone excused my father. His family, friends, colleagues. Nobody called him out, ever. Everybody was "shocked" that he would hurt my mother or I, yet I call bullshit because I remember half her face hanging off most of the time. Split lips, black eyes. Only so many doors you can walk into.
Your kids don't need 2 parents, financial stability or anything more than they need to be safe.
My father started out slowly as all abusers do, but then he became a horrific monster when he was able to get away with controlling my mum.
My formative years fucked me up more than being in poverty did, more than anyone I know with a single parent.
For the sake of your children's futures, never tolerate any form of abuse.
Ducks in a row and away you go.
If you read this thank you and if it's helped you make a tough decision then I'm glad I wrote this.