to ask DH to go to DD in night occasionally when I am on mat leave?

[Catz]

Genuine Q (not a disguised rant!) - When you were on mat leave (or a SAHM/D) did you do all of the night duty if your dp worked?

DD is 6.5 mnths. She's reasonably good at night but still wakes once or twice. She's bf and I have always fed her back to sleep. I'm happy to feed her if she needs it but obv would rather she slept through and don't want her to wake through habit esp as I'm going back to work in a couple of months. If I go to her she expects milk and gets angry with anything else. I'd like DH to go to her to help test whether night feeding is needed. E.g. I'd like to try him settling her if she wakes before 3 (which happens once or twice a week) and me feeding her if she wakes after (which she does every night even if she's woken earlier) and then gradually bringing that forward. He thinks it's unreasonable to ask him to do this. Is it?

Of course not.
He's her parent to.
Once or twice a week is no big deal.
And your point about seeing whether she genuinely needs a feed is perfectly valid.

YANBU. He is her dad. The fact that you are on mat leave is irrelevant imo - you are still "working" and it's not as if you can lounge about all day.

FWIW my dh used to wake up for most of the night feeds and do the nappy change, get me a snack etc. He just drank a hell of a lot of coffee at work. He said he would have felt left out of a big chuck of the parenting if he hadn't done it.

Absolutely not unreasonable. If he did do what you suggest, than maybe it would help your DD to sleep through, as she wouldn't be expecting you to feed her every time she wakes. Therefore, happy baby, happy mummy cos you're getting a full night's sleep and happy daddy cos he no longer has to get up anymore

I'm in exactly the same position (same age DD even) and DH will get up to DD in the night automatically if it is before 1am when I've done the feeds etc or after 5am if she is having a really restless night. This means that even on the worst nights we both get 4 hours sleep (Wow!).

We also spent a week over Christmas doing sleep training for DD (NOT Controlled crying) so that she had to wait at least 4 hours between overnight feeds and would be cuddled, given water, given a dummy or her sheet etc if she woke in between. I don't think I could have done it if DH hadn't got up every other go because it was really hard although now except for colds and teething and things it is a lot better and DH can generally get more sleep overall! So sorry for hijack and no, YANBU

Thanks for the replies.

I should put his side so he doesn't sound like a complete ars* (he's generally v. good with her). His points are:

1. He's always looks after her in the mornings whilst he's getting ready for work (and at w/ends though he's getting grumpy at that) so I can have a lie-in for an hour as I always get a broken night.

1. It's clear that DD is less than thrilled to see him in the night as she knows it means no milk so it is more work than it is if I feed her. (Though I think this is inevitable at some point).

1. His work involves more concentration than being at home does (he's an academic) so maybe he could just do it at w/ends (I think we need to be consistent)

My dh took turns, can't quite remember how it went, but it was something similar to what you had in mind, i.e. dividing the night shift up between us, so that each had a time when we knew we didn't have to get up. Also, what you are aiming at is a solution where soon nobody might have to get up, because you'd have trained her to sleep through. Sounds good to me. Point out that you are thinking of a short time compromise that will benefit him too.

P.S. I'm an academic too, and I don't think it's anything as demanding as breastfeeding. If on top of this, you are looking after a 6 months old, you are not exactly sitting around twiddling your thumbs in daytime either, are you? Give me that seminar on Tacitus any day!

DH did night feeds at weekends but I did them during the week as he had to work. We each had a lie in at the weekend and still do as it stuck although DS prefers to get up with dad

It sounds like it would be a good idea to get your DH to test whether she was hungry or not. Obviously if you go in, your DD will expect food and it won't help break the habit.

After a little while of your DH doing this she may settle easier and then he wouldn't be required to do it anyway. Surely he can see that it is a temporary measure.

Agree that being an academic (I am one) needs less concentration than looking after a 6 month old! And after all, lots of female academics go back to work when they are still bfing or otherwise having sleepless nights - and they have to cope. So YANBU to ask him to get up in the night once or twice - after all, you will be back at work soon too, so it's in both your interests to encourage her to sleep through.

dh and i have deal.unless hes working really early-before 7.00 then i'll get up in night but he gets up with dc in mornings(usually about 6.45)and gives then breakfast,changes littlests nappy then wakes me.so i get 30 minutes or sometimes bit more nap!

YANBU does he give you a break at weekends? let you have a lie in etc? you have a job to do as well as him, your a full time mum, a 24 hr job, not just 9-5. Maybe you could ask him to try at the weekend when he doesnt have to get up for work and then let him have a lie in.

Just to put other side of the coin, I dont think you are being unreasonable as such but my husband did not do any night get ups when I was on maternity leave. DH did his best to give me a break at weekends, and used to take DS out on Saturday morning to do shopping so I could have a lie in and a bath. But to be honest I kind of felt like it was my job - he was working and I wasn't.

For one thing when DS was tiny he was being breast fed at night and he needed me, DH couldn't exactly oblige; just before I went back to work we started controlled crying (he was 8.5 months) as he did not need night time boob, it was a habit and he started sleeping through within a couple of nights (unbelievably - this was a baby who woudl not sleep for more than 3 hours at a stretch previously).

Now we are both working we take turns if he wakes up - mostly he sleeps through now but he is teething.

If DP isn't starting work early the next morning he does the night shift with our 15 week old DD. If he is starting at 7 or 8 AM, I do it. It works out that we do about half the nights each. I think it's only fair to share them.

When I was on mat leave I have to say I tended to do the nights during the week but expected DH to pitch in at weekends.

I know that me being a SAHM was just a demanding job as his, but I felt that seeing as his job paid the bills it was important for him to be awake at work, whereas I was able to nap when the children had their naps (I was very lucky DD1 still needed a nap and manged to get them sleeping at the smae time!)

However saying all that, if the girls were particulary difficult he would help out during the week too.

Of course it's not unreasonable to ask him. She's his daughter too. And why is it ok for you to be knackered during the day but not him? My DP has always done his share of nights.

Georgiemama, what's all this 'he was working and I wasn't'. you weren't exactly putting your feet up all day were you?
Looking after children is a full time job. Just because it's done from home doesn't diminish it. i work some days, stay at home others. The work days are easier than the home days.

When I was on mat leave after my dd was born, I tended to get up to her in the night because my dh was working. I reasoned that I had more chance of catching up on a bit of sleep later on since I could sometimes have a bit of a nap when she did. Didn't always happen of course but even if I was knackered later on I was more likely to be in the house and able to slob about and ignore the housework if I felt like it.

Fair to say though that I generally just fed her whenever she woke and he couldn't do that. She slept through when she was about 6 months old.

Mind you, it might have been different if I had any other kids to look after during the day.

YANBU.

I am on mat leave with 7mo, and although i get up to DS in the night at the mo as he is easy to settle, we used to have a shift system to make sure we both had a spell of unbroken sleep, either 11-3 or 3-7am. I let DH choose which he'd prefer each night.

And DH makes me a cuppa in bed every morning, and gets DD up and out to nursery 3 days a week. And he has a senior management job to do. I know i'm lucky.

I think you need to explain that it should only be temporary as once your DD realises she's not being fed, she should stop waking and/or be easier to settle.

Mrs SS
well DH couldnt sleep during the day, or go to work in pyjamas.

it worked for us. I was just offering my experience, not writing a how-to guide.

I agree that the work days are easier than being at home days, however as gm says, she can do things at her own pace during the day.

I expected more help from DH at the weekends than the week and now I'm back at work, on the nights when I'm at home the next day I will get up with the children, on the days we are both working we share the responsibility.

Many thanks for the replies. We've talked about it and he's doing the pre-3am (which only happens a couple of times a week) and I'll feed her post-3 (which is every night so I'll do the bulk). I know I could nap during the day in theory but she often only manages 20 mins at a time so not too feasible.

Not sure how he's going to actually get her to sleep but I guess that's for another thread!

Don;t worry she'll get there eventually - it may seem like forever at the time but we found boths DD's usually got into a new routine within a fortnight