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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about child contact

26 replies

XmasElf10 · 29/09/2022 09:00

Ex-H and I divorced 3 years ago. 1 DD age 11 and now in first year Secondary. No court ordered contact as there's never been any argument over how much he sees her. No maintenance paid either way as I have DD more but earn a lot more so don't want to leave him short to do stuff with his daughter.

Old arrangement: Ex picks her up from school Wed and Fri and she stays over night and he drops her to school Thur and I collect her Sat morning. EOW he has the whole weekend until Sunday night. He is welcome to whatever holiday time he wants but has never used more than 2 weeks a year. There's no Xmas argument, he has her the weekend before to celebrate with his family which was what we always did when married anyway. I offer to swap with him so he gets the long weekends so he can take her to see his family (180 miles away) and he generally declines.

He now wants: For me to pick her up on Wed and Fri and drop her to his after 5;30pm and them for him to drop her back Wednesday evening at about 7;30pm so he doesn't have to leave work early or arrive late on Thursday. His other suggestion was that she caught the school bus (which I'd need to pay the whole week for for 3 journeys and which includes her arriving home alone and walking a long and dark empty road alone to his). We live 20 / 25 mins drive apart and he is near school so DD would do 25 mins to mine, an hour at mine, 25 mins back to his, 2hrs at his and then 25 mins back to mine. Seems silly and she doesn't want to.

So I said no, stick to the normal arrangement or lose Wednesday (until she is old enough to cope with getting home by herself) and I'll drop her after 5;30 on a Friday. I don't want to give up anymore weekend as I like my weekends with DD. I offered more holiday time but he doesn't use all his vacation days with her anyway. AIBU?

OP posts:
ThanksAntsThants · 29/09/2022 09:06

I’d tell him it’s on him to sort out and make provision for his contact time and to let you know what he has arranged.

BlackeyedSusan · 29/09/2022 09:06

Yanbu.

MarinoRoyale · 29/09/2022 09:09

So he pays nothing towards her upkeep and now wants you to facilitate all of his contact? Nope from me, it sounds like the new arrangement would only benefit him, not your or your daughter.

TeenDivided · 29/09/2022 09:10

How long is the walk from his to school?
Could she walk to his on Wed pm and then to school Thur am?

If too far (unclear from your OP, but I guess it is), then YANBU.

Fraaahnces · 29/09/2022 09:12

That’s ridiculous. If he wants her on workdays, then he needs to pick her up.

NothingIsWrong · 29/09/2022 09:14

Tell him that's fine, he can start paying CMS maintenance and you'll use it to fund the bus for her

Hankunamatata · 29/09/2022 09:16

If he is near the school then DD makes her own way to his - he pays school bus if needed and lets herself in with key

girlmom21 · 29/09/2022 09:18

He's taking the piss. I wouldn't change the arrangements.

lunar1 · 29/09/2022 09:18

Has he mistaken you for his personal assistant?

Original poster
XmasElf10 · 29/09/2022 09:27

DD would need to take a bus from school to the village centre. It's a school mini bus (no free or public bus available). I'd have to pay for a full week of bus for her to take 3 trips (Wed night, Thur morning, Fri night). She doesn't know anyone who goes on that bus. The walk is about 20 mins from the drop off to his house and leaves the village along the main road, passes fields before turning into his estate. She knows no-one who lives on the Estate so would be walking alone and would have no-one in case of emergency once she got to his. She'd arrive home 2 hours before him and would need to leave on Thursday morning about 30 mins after him. I know other kids her age do this when there is no other option but it makes me (and DD) really uncomfortable and there is an option - she can come back to my house where she's not on her own (I work full time from home).

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 29/09/2022 10:41

He’s delirious

Astrak · 29/09/2022 10:49

Don't change the arrangement. He's being totally unrealistic with his alternative suggestion and it's not (imho) in your daughter's best interests or her physical safety.
If he chooses to take the matter to Court, I don't see any official supporting his wishes.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/09/2022 10:51

Just say No. What does your DC want?
I’d not entertain dropping him at hers for 2 hours. You are working. If he wants to see her for 2 hours then he can get her after school maybe go out for tea and drop at yours. Why should you miss work not him? He can apply to adjust hours.
I’d just say school bus plan doesn’t work. DD doesn’t want to. It’s not available for 3 trips only full week. DD isn’t comfortable walking that distance alone in dark.
Your DD may prefer just weekend contact now she’s at secondary as it’s easier logistics with kit & books.

Goldbar · 29/09/2022 11:00

What does he think you are? A bloody taxi company? He's got a nerve, hasn't he?

Tell him that's fine, you'll claim CM and you'll use the money to book a vetted driver to take her there on Wednesday and to school on Thursday morning.

Stag82 · 29/09/2022 11:06

Yanbu. Im deaconing similar with an is, what it is attitude to the one night a week pick up ex does! Glad to see from the responses it isn’t too much to expect hun to sort

mrsjohnnylawrence · 29/09/2022 11:12

Her safety comes first. Why is he asking her to do that walk? He's being unreasonable and selfish asking her to put herself at risk so he can enjoy time with her.

Dixiechickonhols · 29/09/2022 11:16

I’d very much focus on best interests of dc as a ct would do. She’s 11 getting to grips with a complete change of school and expectations there. You wfh so she isn’t alone there after school and can provide help. It’s heaping a whole lot of extra responsibilities on her just for his convenience she’s only 11.
Maybe in a year or two if she’s wanting to but first winter term yr7 no.

LittleOwl153 · 29/09/2022 11:21

Crucial statement for me is that SHE DOESNT WANT TO DO THIS. Contact is about her not him.

I think telling him Wednesday is a no go unless he sticks to the previous arrangement is a fair call. All that messing about (75mins travelling, 1 hour waiting about) for 2hrs time he seemingly begrudges her anyway I can see why she's said no.

Friday I'd actually tell him to collect her or arrange a taxi... why should you do all the running about? And if he's only having her from 5.30 till early next morning - does she actually want to do that either? I don't blame you for not wanting to give up more weekend time as it sounds like he only wants dd when it's convenient to him and you can deal with the rest.

He's being daft really. He doesn't realise that she is coming up to an age where she won't be bothered for seeing him at all if her friends/boyfriend/job have a better offer. Especially if he has been deprioritising when she does want to see him.

PuttingDownRoots · 29/09/2022 11:27

Why can't he pick her up from you for a few hours on the Wednesday?

Original poster
XmasElf10 · 29/09/2022 11:46

Thank you, my parents and sister said the same but it's hard not to feel like you are preventing contact. I'm not, I just want it to be meaningful for DD and to defend what she wants (and it's not to drag around in the car all Wednesday night!).

Not to drip feed but he'd be welcome to pick her up from mine on a Wednesday but he'd not here until at least quarter to 6 and we live in a small village at the end of a long valley so to get her food (or to do anything really) he'd have to turn around and drive her back up the valley 15 minutes to the nearest large village with a pub/cafe/shop... If we lived in town he'd be welcome to come take her out but it's less practical in the arse end of beyond!

I've sent the note basically saying that it doesn't work for DD and he either needs to be able to get her from school on a Wednesday or drop those days until she is bigger. He can collect her on a Friday after work (or I'll drop her if I'm heading out to the shops or something) and I'll pick her up on Saturday morning. Sadly I lose my lovely peaceful Wednesday evenings too :(

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 29/09/2022 11:58

You aren’t stopping contact he is. Why can’t he get her from school Wednesday take her for tea then drop at yours? If work have refused his request then fair enough but I bet you he hasn’t requested it.

Ffsmakeitstop · 29/09/2022 12:20

So he never has her for a full day! What an arse.
I hope he realises she will soon work out she's not a priority if she hasn't already.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2022 12:35

Ffsmakeitstop · 29/09/2022 12:20

So he never has her for a full day! What an arse.
I hope he realises she will soon work out she's not a priority if she hasn't already.

apart from EOW when he has her for the whole weekend?

Original poster
XmasElf10 · 29/09/2022 13:28

He has her Friday tea time to Sunday bedtime EOW. What he can no longer do is finish work early to pick up from school or start work late to drop off at school.

OP posts:
thing47 · 29/09/2022 13:48

XmasElf10 · 29/09/2022 13:28

He has her Friday tea time to Sunday bedtime EOW. What he can no longer do is finish work early to pick up from school or start work late to drop off at school.

You need to have a look at the 'favourite quotes' thread and then channel the ever popular 'Not my circus, not my monkeys' to your ex.

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