Male fuckery!

[PrincessofWales]

A bit of a rant for first thing on a Thursday but FGS!

What do you do when you work in a male dominated world and the fuckers won't speak to you and insist on going to your male boss/colleague!?

Example, I'm co-ordinating the supply of materials and equipment. I asked the contractor when he needed certain items to be delivered to work with his 'slot' in the programme. His response, "I'll call John and liaise". John isn't interested, John has other things to do, I'm arranging it why not come back to me?

How to you deal with it and AIBU for thinking I asked the question, why won't you respond me.

Thanks for offering to speak to John, but it would be easier all round if you’d reply to me so that I can ensure you have the resources you need. Please reply to questions in the original email by [deadline]

You also need to speak to John and get him to always refer these sorts of issues back to you.

You also need to speak to John and get him to always refer these sorts of issues back to you.

No that's wrong too, he'd be seen as treating her as his secretary or something.

Not if he makes it clear it's her responsibility.

I have a similar situation where people will go to my male colleague or boss rather than me. They both just make it clear that I'm the best person to speak to. Eventually they realise not coming to me directly in the first place just holds things up.

@Dotjones - depends how he does it. He could say oh you will need to speak to my colleague PrincessofWales, she is in charge of this area and she wouldn’t look like his assistant.

OP I think you need a two pronged attack. Ask John to send them back to you and at the same time be factual. “Unfortunately John will not be able to help with your request as this is my area of expertise” or something along those lines. It’s very frustrating, I’ve often had people assume my younger male trainee is my manager. Even when I am doing all the emailing/talking with them.

Direct bald statements in email (write like a man). No questions or apologies.

then forward (not cc) John so he is aware and explain X has not yet notified youmentioned liasing, no action required just keeping you in the loop etc, so any delay/fuckery will be down to contractor.

Hi Dickhead,
Writing to clarify I am responsible for supply arrangements.

please advise asap or equipment cannot not be delivered to meet scheduled works.

i have notified John that we have not yet been advised of timings by you, which may affect programme and delivery.

Thanks for your cooperation

I would clearly communicate it is your role to your colleagues when challenged and you also need the support of your boss to direct them back to you, speak to him, if the support isn't forthcoming, I'd be looking to move on. life is to short to spend a significant part of your day putting up with that shit.

*Not yet notified you, mention the bit about liasing

My colleagues are good at diverting the calls back to me generally. My boss alternates between being very good and very bad! It's so bloody frustrating. I wish we didn't have to put up with this shit!

Yes @PaperBlinds - I am taking a more “write like a man” approach this year. It’s refreshing.

@ChilliBandit i don't have to deal with this v much as my sector is a bit sensitive and cuddly, but there are times when you just have to cut through other people's (men's) crap.

sometimes it wins you respect sometimes you are the office bitch. I wish like the OP we didn't have to navigate this rubbish. Gets easier as you get older and give fewer shits.

Ooh yeah just now.
I run a meeting l, have run it for years and just been asked to invite a male colleague who has nothing to do with the meeting to my meeting just in case I miss something.
I've worked in my industry longer than the male colleague who made the request has been alive, yeah pal, I've worked in this industry longer than you've been born.
It'll never change

Please please please write 'hi dickhead'

Tbh John needs to tackle this, he needs to refuse to liaise and the fucker will soon get the hint

I'm glad this isn't something I have had to deal with for decades, but when I did male colleagues needed to be the ones to help sort it out

Even more frustrating when your female boss is quite happy for you to point out where the problem lies (men not able to identify thus themselves) and what to do to fix it. but will then immediately run to less qualified, uninterested male colleague because 'it might be technical'.

I second this 😄👍

OP- what's the contractual relationship between your company and the contractor in this scenario? ie are you a) paying the contractor, b) are they paying you, or c) are you both being paid by a third party to do aspects of a job?

If a) I'd respond with something like 'I am responsible for co-ordinating materials and equipment so will need to you liaise with me directly. John will not be able to help you and involving him will cause delays.' (and make sure John is equally firm with them if he is contacted. If b) I'd pretend to assume they hadn't understood the roles- 'Just to let you know, I now deal with co-ordinating materials. John focusses on [his role] so could you liaise with me directly to avoid any unwanted delays.' If c) '[Customer] has made it very clear that they need this project to be co-ordinated efficiently. I am responsible for co-ordinating materials so involving John will delay the project.'

You have my sympathy. Part of my role involves keeping track of finances for a project and paying contractors. One of our contractors insists on going through a male colleague who has nothing to do with finance- often sending documents with a cover e-mail along the lines of 'please explain to lovelypidgeon what to do with this as it's a bit complicated for her silly little female brain [very much paraphrased].' On a couple of occasions I have intentionally delayed paying his invoice and told him that I received it from male colleague after the payment run cut off (this was true, but I could have pushed it through).

Just ask why. You need to be assertive. As in, "I'll call John".
"Why?" You can then put him right on whatever it is that's the issue.

It’s infuriating, I’ve had this my whole career. I agree with the pp who said it gets easier as you get older, more thick skinned and less concerned about “upsetting” people.

There are some great suggestions in this thread. You definitely need the two pronged attack.

Your colleagues need to understand what’s happening and not put up with it either - “That’s Fictional’s area of expertise, ask her!” “No mate I’m not dealing with that, Fictional is, send it to her. No I don’t need to see it first, just send it to her”.
Plus firmness from you as pp have suggested- “No, John isn’t dealing with it, I am, so if you insist on discussing it with him instead you’ll just cause delays”.

Followed up with letting him know it’s his own fault if he does cause a delay because of his need to deal only with the men. “Well Mr D’head, I did tell you I was responsible for this and you insisted on referring it to John and that caused a delay. If you follow the right process next time i.e. give me the information I asked for, there won’t be any further delays”. Women aren’t good at being direct like this, and we should do it more. Men don’t hesitate to tell us when we’re at fault.

I've had this a few times in my career. The only way to get past it for John to tell them to come back to you. Every. Single. Time.