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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drinking wine at lunch time on my own on a uk beach

26 replies

IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 12:47

I know I'm not. But I wonder who'd judge. Not that I care.

I have travelled for three hours for a trail few days for my SEN child to try out a secondary school. There's no where suitable that wants him in my county.

I'm so upset, can't stand the thought of him boarding. No one in my family understands. My sister is thinking about her life goals and im thinking what better for my child, remaining ilterate properly or boarding. He has the mental age of five. I don't want life goals. I just want my child by my side

OP posts:
Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 28/09/2022 12:49

Could you relocate?

Jennybeans401 · 28/09/2022 12:50

How old is your child? Would you consider home ed?

The SEN provision in this country is hard to access and there isn't much of it.

Ihatethenewlook · 28/09/2022 12:52

I’d keep him by your side then. Is keeping him home an option? Will he gain by going further in education?

Skiphopbump · 28/09/2022 12:53

How old is your child? With the best education how much could he achieve vs staying at home with an EOTAS package?

PinkStickleBrick · 28/09/2022 12:59

He is ten. He was non verbal until 7. He's got a normal IQ so has potential but not time for gcses at 16 I don't think

Scarecrowrowboat · 28/09/2022 12:59

Are you in a position where you could home educate? A lot of children with SEN at meetups because they've been failed by the system.

Beamur · 28/09/2022 13:02

Your feelings are completely reasonable, but this school might be ideal for your son.
If he was a boarder how often would you be able to see him?

ForestDad · 28/09/2022 13:04

Have a glass for me. Watching the waves roll in is good for thinking.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 28/09/2022 13:18

Which do you think would be better to make him a happy person. Not just in the short term but in the long run? I don't know the answer but am thinking of you. I hope you come to the right decision for you both. Yanbu, life is sxxt sometimes xxx

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 13:20

Opps name change fail 🤣 it's so hard as it's weighing up the cost benefits if he is isn't going to sit gcses then why not stay local and get intervention?

I just don't know what's best. Everyone seems to think I shouldn't have expectations or that he can go to state mainstream secondary. Like he can decide to buck out of it.

Such a life changing desision I never wanted to take.

I want to be loosing sleep over early retirement or if I should retire to the coast. Not between seeing my son grow up or him never reading.

OP posts:
BooseysMom · 28/09/2022 13:23

If you were really drinking wine alone on a UK beach, I would love to join you! But reality says not. I can only wish you luck finding somewhere for your DS.
All the best x

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 13:26

He would be home every week but only Friday evening to Sunday evening. For five years. Puberty, getting taller than me. All away from home. He is one of four. He would be back home and his sister would be in secondary. His brother would be at uni.

Another sen mum who's son boards said I need to love him enough to let him go. I just don't want this path at all. I want a nt kid and the mundane worry in life. I don't care that he sen. I do care about the shit it brings with it.

I don't feel qualified for this, but here I am

OP posts:
Treesuphooray · 28/09/2022 13:28

I definitely wouldn’t judge a lunchtime beer on the beach!

That is such a hard position to be in. Any chance of relocating so he wouldn’t need to board?

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 13:29

Feeling tearful now as on the bus home. It will be two hours until I get to my car.

Drinking wine at lunch time on my own on a uk beach
OP posts:
Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 13:32

Treesuphooray · 28/09/2022 13:28

I definitely wouldn’t judge a lunchtime beer on the beach!

That is such a hard position to be in. Any chance of relocating so he wouldn’t need to board?

I wish I could but he one of four. His middle brother also gets to sen school and on track to go to uni. So in theory I could board the older boy at his sen school. But his future looks more rosey. He is in a perfect school close to home that his little brother is too delayed for.

OP posts:
BooseysMom · 28/09/2022 13:36

💐

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 13:41

I wish in a way there was a exam to pass to be a SEN parent. I don't feel equipped for this. If he hates it then thats a easy choice made at least I guess.

Mum keeps asking me if he's better now. I think I'm just raging against that as well. Life changing desisions and fucking useless mother. It keeps hitting me that my mum is fit and well but so far detached from my life.

I think the wine has kicked in. I talked to two strangers today by the beach ( before the wine). One was saying how nothing in her life was planned it all just happened and turned out amazingly. Maybe I'm being negative but this so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 13:44

Typo, the stranger didn't her plan her life that turned out amazing. She went with it and it turned out for the best. I plan everything and then fall down potholes 🤣

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 28/09/2022 13:52

You clearly love your child very much.
I understand your pain and how difficult it must be to deal with him boarding but you're a fantastic parent who wants the very best for him and his education.
Boarding does seem to be the best hope of educating him properly and helping him reach his potential. And he may end up absolutely loving it. I know it's hard to stay positive but every time you think of something negative about the situation, try to think of two positives.

Hope you enjoyed your wine op. You're doing a great job

Skiphopbump · 28/09/2022 14:04

It sounds like a difficult decision but you are at this point because you want the best for your DS. Is there a chance that he could be at the school for 2/3 years and then if he’s at the appropriate level move to the school his bother is at?

BogRollBOGOF · 28/09/2022 14:07

I had a relative who moved into residential care. When their carer was struggling with the letting go, it was phrased that in the normal scheme of things he was getting to an age of independence anyway. Different here as your child is younger, but sometimes parents do have to detach to give their child the best opportunity avaliable. Sometimes it's for more aspirational things like scholarships, sometimes like now it's not, and I'm guessing that this is one of those waymarks along the way of SN parenting that slaps you hard as a reminder that your child isn't typical (I have a child with SNs)

A parent doesn't have to be everything and everyone to their child. Often in SN parenting that's forced on you more than usual because the usual connections are harder to make. You can be a loving parent and open up that opportunity even when it feels so hard to you, and it is hard because of that love 💐

Kissingfrogs25 · 28/09/2022 14:09

It sounds really hard, and making the right decision sounds really important to you and your son.

Could you educate him at home with the help of tutors and lessons outside the home? On line school?
Is there a support group of parents doing something similar near your home?
Boarding weekly doesn't sound too bad, but he is very young - I understand why you are so worried

I don't envy your decision, are your family largely supportive? Despite not knowing much about his issues?

Enjoy your wine, you bloody deserve it op!

Original poster
IncessantNameChanger · 28/09/2022 15:14

It's only mum.and sister. My mum.isnt supportive as she refuses to understand his needs. He can talk now ( was non verbal until 7) so she thinks he all better now.

My sister doesn't get it at all. I think she thinks she would jump at my chance to pack him off. Luckily dh is very hands on. He wants the best for our boy but it's really trying to viualise him not at home

OP posts:
user97645374895 · 28/09/2022 15:23

I can’t express how sorry I feel for you and your families situation. I’ve shed a tear at your wish of a mundane problem.

It is difficult getting others’ to understand your SEN child. It’s difficult having to find what is right for them. It is difficult working out how to get them what they need. And I can’t imagine how difficult this decision is for you.

My mum always said that everything works out in the end and I truly hope this does for you. You sound like an amazing mum because his best interests are at the forefront of your mind. He is a lucky little boy to have you.

And please remember that GCSEs can be sat at any age! They even get support and teaching in this until 18 possibly 19 now at college. He may well surprise you as my daughter has surprised me many times in the past.

Good luck to you and your lovely family.

Kissingfrogs25 · 28/09/2022 16:15

What would the best outcome look like? Taking into account he is not ready for the nearby school? What does the best case alternative look like?