To NOT want to throw DD1 an 18th birthday party. (this could be long)

[lucyellensmum]

There are very many reasons why i dont want to do this.

FIrstly, we are having financial difficulties so this would be a strain (but I could borrow from my mum).

Secondly, DD has left home to live with her boyfriend and we hardly ever see heer.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly - DD doesnt really have a large circle of friends, she tends to latch on to acquantainces and i have a vision of two things happening - One: hardly anyone will turn up and/or two: they will take the piss. I also don't really want to spend money i dont have, effectively on other people, who i have never even met. I know a couple of her friends, who are nice lads, but tht is it. Her boyfriend seems lovely.

We also are worried about gate crashing etc, especially as she doesnt really have a circle of close friends and no brothers and sisters (apart from DD2 - aged 2!)or extended family. So could imagine lots of friends of her aquantances showing up etc.

Another thing is, partly her attitude to it, which has really pissed me off. She is so (uncecessarily) jealous of her sister. We had her sisters christening reception in a really lovely local location, that is made available to the community very cheaply. However, it is totally self catering, including drinks etc and they want the place as if not touched afterwards. It took DP and i a whole day to clean it up after a very sedate gathering of family and friends. I have vitoed this place for definate for those reasons, and also i am not even sure they would allow an 18th birthday party. I am just not willing to take the chance re damage etc. To this she said, "so, you had DD2 christening there, but im not good enough" - i have tried to explain the reasoning but she just doesnt get it, or doesnt want to.

Our relationship has been fraught in the past two years, i have suffered from PND and that hasnt helped. We have also lost my dad, who was effectively her father as she grew up. So of course there is the jealousy issue with DD2 which is really sad, i love them both the same!!

Her boyfriend totally spoils her, although i wonder if he is as immature as her sometimes. They live in a bit of a dream world and are very unrealistic about life. They live with his parents.

If DD had a really great, loyal and long term group of friends (she is out of touch with all her college/school friends since she left) i would consider a party, not at the christening venue but somewhere suitable with a bar (so we dont have to cater drinks too - i could do the food, no problem).

I know this seems terribly mean spirited of me, but i have always resented parties for DDs as i feel that it is indulging other children at DDs expense. I do understand that i am probably BU about this, but ive always felt this way. I have usually either taken DD1 out for the day or been lavish with presents instead. I should say that DD1 is very spoilt, she will even tell you that herself

So AIBU? Should i grit my teeth and do the party (which i honestly think will be a disaster).

What are the alternatives? Any ideas - i love my DD very much but i can see this turning into another test of our already shit relationship.

Cant you do something small? Like take your dd and her partner out for a meal? Does it have to be a HUGE party?

How about Taking her away to a nice hotel for a night ? just you and her ,you could get a really cheap deal on the internet and both of you get pampered ,she gets a really nice treat and to spend quality time with you ,so she cannot possibly complain

Is her heart set on a party? I know money is tight but is there any way (loan from your mum?) you could take her away for the weekend - or even just an afternoon/day package at a spa? That way, she could be pampered a bit and also have your undivided attention away from DD2 and your DP. It might help you both build some bridges and connect a bit.

Pampering day, and then a lovley meal for close family in evening?

I don't think I'd want to do the party either. Could you have a babysitter for DD2 and go out for a nice dinner with DD1 and her boyfriend?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Why don't you suggest that a small group of you, say your immediate family and her boyfriend, and a couple of friends, go out to somewhere for dinner on the actual day. You could decorate the table a little bit, and take a cake along - can make it a lovely special occasion without going to all of the stress of a party.

You could also suggest spending a whole day with your dd (not necessarily on the birthday itself) to celebrate her being 18. Perhaps go to have your nails done, go shopping, have lunch etc. Just you and dd.

I never had a 18th birthday party at all, and for my 21st I did exactly as above. And my relationship with my mum has always been fraught, she didn't raise me and I only saw her sporadically during my childhood, and only really got to know her when I was 17. I spent the day shopping with mum, which was our celebration, and a small dinner in the evening. I really enjoyed it, and to be honest it was when me and mum really started getting on.

I think the main issue with your dd is the jealousy and resentment over her sister. So perhaps spending the day together just the pair of you might help that.

Perhaps invite her round with her boyfriend and talk about it with him there - it sounds as if you get on with him and he might be a stabilising influence if she starts getting shirty about not having a party.

Plus you've got on your side the fact that you have always hated throwing birthday parties anyway. The Christening was obviosuly a different thing altogether.

Good luck - it sounds a horrible situation.

yanbu- 18 should be something to fondly remember not flinch at in later years.
Agree with jwfmt, think what would she want?
Few people ever win on a popularity competition and the scenario you envisage is not even worth considering.
On her birthday does she want to look out on a romantic view and a picnic with her boyfriend, have a sense of achievment walking an inpressive hill, have a giggle with you having a spa, or go to a special concert? Not good on ideas ,sorry, but im sure if you think wacky and adventurous ,the alternative will seem very tame.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I do think there could be compromise.

What about a family meal out somewhere (no clearing - everyone pays for themselves). This is what I had; aunties, uncles etc and extended family gathering in a restaurant to celebrate.

Community centre halls are usually cheap to rent for the day/evening... a disco for the family and few friends? That can be quite expensive though I guess.

I only had a handful of friends at my "party" (we went to the pub together) and then my family meal was totally seperate so the friends got to celebrate, but it wasn't expensive at all - well, they spent a lot but it was their choice!

I think it would be the ideal time to bury the hatchet regarding the fraught relationship perhaps - if that is possible?

Alternitavely, tell her she doesn't get the key to life until she's 21 and start saving for then

She is old enough to have all her friends round the pub for a piss up, if thats what she wants.
It sounds to me like she wants you to PROVE that you are still interested in her life, and maybe if you and she had a tough time when she was smaller, she feels like she has missed out on something.
I would do something really special for her, maybe a keepsake bit of jewellry, and an outing?
Maybe make her a scrapbook of her childhood (as she is now leaving it), with lots of childhood memories, other peoples memories of funny things she did, etc. Something that shows that she is still your cherished girl.
I wouldn't do the party either, as if it turns out bad, she may blame you (if your relationship has been bad). But if she does get a few friends round the pub, maybe offer to do a cake?

Good Luck

YANBU.DD2 was 18 in December. We went out for a family meal with her on her Birthday and she went out with her friends on the friday before, she organised this herself with her friends. That is what all her friends seem to do.
I will be ( or DD1 might go with her) taking her and a friend to see amusical in London as son as it can be organised. I did that with DD1 when she was 18.

I dont think YABU at all, i didnt want to have a b'party for my DS last yr when he was 18, pery because as a single parent i couldnt afford it, and also because i have a toddler to cope with and work full time so just didnt have time to organise it.

He accepted this gracefully but i knew he was v. disappointed. It turned out his dad ended up giving him the money for him to have the party as long as he organised it himself, he booked a venue, printed invatations, organised catering, had the room decorated in black and white balloons, and bought himself a suit and tie! so all i had to do was turn up and enjoy myself. I was so proud of him i cried.

If she lives with he Bf then maybe you should suggest he and dd organise a party themselves and you will contribute some cash as a present to her. then take her out for a quiet family meal seperately.

She is 18 though and living in her own place

tell her you will give her £x towards her party and she can organise it herself

she is an adult.. if she chooses to enter into a contract with this christening venue the cleaning up will be up to her

(I would add that my mother said I could have an 18th or a 21st party but not both .. I chose 21st and when the time came round she changed her mind and said no .... I have never forgotten)

Find a pub and put £50 behind the bar to start her off

YANBU.

You could give her a few choices:

£XX to arrange something of her choice, which you could attend if she wants

an overnight out with you at a hotel for just you two

a meal out with a few friends (who pay for themselves) and you pay for her, with maybe a few bottles of wine paid for by you?

A friend of dd1 just tried to book an 18th party, no one locally would let a hall for that purpose. I'm hoping dd1 will be happy with a grown up meal out when its her turn, I think she'd be happy with that if we got a babysitter for the other children.

thanks for the ideas everyone. There are some great suggestions here.

I think the person who said DD is "testing" me is right. She does this alot, she asks to do things which she knows aren't possible, so she can sulk about it - then when i suggest she does something another time, she is not interested.

I think the pampering day sounds really great actually, or night away - just me and her does sound nice. So long as she is in receptive mood. Which, why wouldnt she be i suppose.

I make her out to be a spoilt brat (she is) but she is a lovely girl and i miss her loads, but it is fair to say, we dont get on very well

thanks for the ideas everyone. There are some great suggestions here.

I think the person who said DD is "testing" me is right. She does this alot, she asks to do things which she knows aren't possible, so she can sulk about it - then when i suggest she does something another time, she is not interested.

I think the pampering day sounds really great actually, or night away - just me and her does sound nice. So long as she is in receptive mood. Which, why wouldnt she be i suppose.

I make her out to be a spoilt brat (she is) but she is a lovely girl and i miss her loads, but it is fair to say, we dont get on very well

have spoken to DD, she accepts about the party (for now at least) - the alternative that she chose isnt great, she wants me to pay for a whole back tattoo kids eh!

bump for night time opinions

Well I don't think you are being completely unreasonable but I wanted to point out how she might see it.

She would see it as you spent money on a nice party (christening) for DD2 but you don't want to spend money on a nice party for her. That's how I would have seen it (can you tell there are sibling issues?)

I think the best option is to say that there is X amount of money to be spent. It can either be a party, pampering weekend or a meal out - let her choose how to celebrate with you all!

I agree babybump, and it of course is totally not like that, but i do understand that is how she might see it. Will just have to think of something nice to do instead - i had a chat to her and told her i resented the party thing because i dont know her friends (to be fair she has few proper friends) and i really think it would be a disaster waiting to happen. She understands and i told her to think of something she would like to do instead.

I would like to do something just me and her, we never get chance for that anymore.

If you agree to teh tattoo will she brick it? is that another test? another provocation? what if you told her you'll both get one done? blummin teenagers!

sounds like you're on teh way to a compromise. I do like the idea of doing one thing you and her - or you her and adult family and then a cash contribution for her to spend as she likes - on a night in the pub or a tatoo...

She already has a tattoo, paid for by muggins here, so definately not a test. I would happily pay for it, within reason, providing i have at least a small say in what she choses, so she doesnt have the grim reaper smoking cannibis or something equally horrific! you know, just for effect.

Now, now you'll like this and i am really beghing to realise what a spoilt wee madam i have raised. You have to give her credit for trying. She has come up with a plan - a limmo to london ( about london.) a 14 seat hummer no less, that is going to cost £400, PLUS a meal for her friends, PLUS clubbing in london - who does she think she is Paris Fucking Hilton?????

A rethink is needed especially since i will probably havea budget that will pay for a third of the limmo!

Ooooh a hummer, how lovely! Aren't they about the size of a bus? Would one of those do instead and may be carry on with the rest of the plans for the evening. I do think that may be she needs to understand the whole money thing and that the amount of money you spend does not equal how much you care for and love her. There are no easy answers, most of what I say to dd1 goes straight over her head, sometimes I even wonder if she's been in the same room!