To feel un able to quit but about to have a breakdown

[Namechanged1000]

Hi all,

I don't feel I have any emotional support in real life. My dh is a practical man and comes up with solutions but often not ones I feel able to action. He finds it hard to deal with emotions.

I work part time. In theory I get 2 days a week off without dc. Dc are in full time school.

I recently took on a promotion in another office. It has added to my commute, making in 2 hours a day but the money is double what I earned before.

We need the money and it allows me to earn well while working part time. However, as expected the work is stressful and heavy. On my working days I have to do overtime and I'm often out from 7.30am till 8pm.

I have had to extend wrap around care for my dc.

I do like the job but it is so hard.

I am really struggling to be honest. I feel torn between home and work. To make things more complicated my dc are disabled and I'm also their carer. They require care at both ends of the day often up until 10pm and sometimes during the night.

Today one dc required more support so I was late for work and completely stressed by 8am. I just cannot ignore my dc or my works needs and I feel pulled apart.

When I speak to dh he says he will do more to help but he's already doing so much and also working full time. We cannot afford for him to reduce his hours or for me to give up work.

I feel torn because this job means we are comfortable financially so that benefits the dc but also takes me away time wise.

People keep saying "well you have two days off" but what they don't realise is that I'm a carer, I have appointments and forms to do, I have a house to run etc I barely catch my breath and its pick up time.

I will add that I suffered a mental health breakdown 3 years ago and I don't feel fully recovered.

I'm in tears today because I can't be a full time carer and work a stressful professional job but I also don't feel I have a choice.

Sorry I just don't know what on earth to do.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds unbelievably hard.

I think there are a few conversations you need to have.

1. With your GP. You need help with your mental health and that is the place to start. Please, call them today to make an appointment. You cannot look after anyone else if you fall apart.

1. With work. Why are you having to do so much overtime? They have taken you on as a part time role, so they need to give you pay time work. It is not ok for them to try and squeeze a full time role into 3 days, so that may be something to discuss with your manager or even HR if your manager isn't responsive.

It's also worth talking to them about your family situation. Do they have a policy around about supporting carers? And can they be more supportive when you have to come in later because of your caring responsibilities?

As you've had a pay rise, could a small part of that be siphoned into paying for a cleaner? That would give you a little bit more free time back to decompress. You can go for a run, do a yoga video, bake, read, whatever it is that fills your cup.

Hopefully other people will be asking with more suggestions soon.

I'm the meantime: You are an amazing mum doing a bloody hard job. It's ok to flounder.

Oh, another thought. Does your work have health insurance or an occupational health service? You may be able to access counseling support quicker than through a GP. (Though still talk to your GP.)

A counselor will help you come up with solutions that you feel comfortable with, rather than ones your husband likes the sound of.

No one could reasonably do that without struggling. The only solution i can see is a conversation with work to get your hours down to 3 standard working days (without all the over time), you can't change your childrens needs so something has to change at work. Good luck.

Echoing a previous poster, ask your work if they have an Employee Assistance Scheme. This provides employer-funded counselling and mh support.

The travel time is the thing you can't do. You can't travel 2 hours a day and make your life satisfactory. So draw a line under it. Say no. Can one of your work days be done remotely? Or better still, can you use this current (harder) role as ammunition to go back to your employer and seek better pay and title back in your original location? As an employer, I love it when employees are very clear with me about what they want. If you don't ask, you won't get...