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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to dd’s dad?

25 replies

Boujisboo · 28/09/2022 07:27

Last year he has started going out a bit to the point that now he takes dd and her sibling out with him and his partner to bbq’s/gatherings every week. They drink and walk home about 10.30. Dd comes back with anecdotes she’s heard ie them saying they don’t remember stuff woke up drunk etc.

Dd quite likes it sometimes and always said until recently her dads partner is the sober one dad gets a bit silly but no incidents and always loving pleasant. Not ideal but trying to understand others lead a diff life to me who as a single mother wouldn’t go out and drink with her in tow. I’m also quite isolated because of my situation which is my own choosing!

lady week sent dad a message which the next day he completely forgot. He looked hungover and his younger one told me at the door she was upset because she’d been crying as she wanted to go home the prev night. Dd confirmed that again another gathering watching adults drunk, walk home at 10.30 (albeit about a 5 min walk) but her dad stayed and her step mother had taken them home after little one crying. Aibu to think this isn’t on?
my dd is 12 and sometimes she says she quite likes it sometimes she likes seeing the other kids there and is given shit to eat all night. Doesn’t want me to say anything

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 28/09/2022 07:33

Have you really never drunk too much whilst in charge of your child(ren)?
His partner stays sober - enough to see everyone gets home safely - and DD enjoys the food and playing with the other kids, so I don't see the problem.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/09/2022 07:40

What's your concern, exactly?

mountainsunsets · 28/09/2022 07:43

He's a crap parent if he gets so drunk he can't remember what happens and leaves his partner to get his kids home and to bed.

I would just be grateful you're not stuck with him anymore and appreciative of his partner for caring so much about your kids.

W0tnow · 28/09/2022 07:46

I wouldn’t like it either. I’m not sure at this point you can do much beyond making sure your daughter can always contact you. Does she have a phone?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/09/2022 07:46

Their stepmom is sober, don’t see anything wrong with this situation other than it probably isn’t the most fun for kids. But TBH, you’re split up and you don’t get a say in what he does in his free time with them as long as they’re safe, which they are.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/09/2022 07:46

Stepmom? My autocarrot has turned American FFS. StepMUM

NC7778 · 28/09/2022 08:18

It's none of your business I'm afraid, as long as there's no abuse and she's being looked after it's down to your ex what he does with his kids 🤷

EarringsandLipstick · 28/09/2022 08:21

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 28/09/2022 07:46

Their stepmom is sober, don’t see anything wrong with this situation other than it probably isn’t the most fun for kids. But TBH, you’re split up and you don’t get a say in what he does in his free time with them as long as they’re safe, which they are.

Seriously?! What a low bar you set.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/09/2022 08:22

Dd confirmed that again another gathering watching adults drunk, walk home at 10.30 (albeit about a 5 min walk) but her dad stayed and her step mother had taken them home after little one crying. Aibu to think this isn’t on?

Of course it's not on.

It's appalling, crap parenting & I would absolutely speak to him about it, while also checking if DD still wants to see him in these circumstances.

EarringsandLipstick · 28/09/2022 08:24

NC7778 · 28/09/2022 08:18

It's none of your business I'm afraid, as long as there's no abuse and she's being looked after it's down to your ex what he does with his kids 🤷

This is just insane.

I recognise it appears to be different in the UK with what is considered 'acceptable' in terms of shared custody.

I'm in Ireland, I'm separated, and a child's emotional safety is absolutely taken into account & I would not hesitate in addressing this, seeing he will change it, and if not, prioritising the wishes of your DD.

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 28/09/2022 08:27

Does he only see her once a week and always gets drunk in that time?

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 28/09/2022 08:32

Why haven't you mentioned this to him earlier?

A quick convo my be all it takes yet you've let the situation go on all year?

ElectedOnThursday · 28/09/2022 08:32

What an absolute loser of a parent he is. He sounds like a 16yo who can’t make good decisions, pathetic. How miserable for the children to have their needs overruled by his selfish arse. I wouldn’t want my kids anywhere near him. They will of course mimic this behaviour when they are old enough to get hold of alcohol.

blubberball · 28/09/2022 08:32

I wouldn't like that either. Does he have the dc every weekend, or every other weekend?

StopStartStop · 28/09/2022 08:39

Sounds to me like you are handing your children into the care of a known drunkard, regularly.

Imagine you saw that from a friend or neighbour. What would you think?

It's time to have that talk. First find out where you stand if you refuse to send them.

Your child's father's partner is not responsible for their care. You are. And him, of course, but he isn't doing the job.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2022 08:45

So they meet up with friends. They all take their children and are happy to leave when one gets upset? The only issue for me would be the time of night that they are expected to walk home and going out of routine. Tbh it's watching adults making prats of themselves when tipsy that puts kids off drinking. Do you want him to not drink at all when they are in his care? What's the exact issue?

Original poster
Boujisboo · 28/09/2022 18:00

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2022 08:45

So they meet up with friends. They all take their children and are happy to leave when one gets upset? The only issue for me would be the time of night that they are expected to walk home and going out of routine. Tbh it's watching adults making prats of themselves when tipsy that puts kids off drinking. Do you want him to not drink at all when they are in his care? What's the exact issue?

Not at all. But as my own dd points out there are no weekends where it isn’t this, she see’s him once a week and see’s him like this. Either that or he goes out.
man’s yes I am worried about extensive drinking when my dd is in their care and there are parties with strangers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Boujisboo · 28/09/2022 18:02

NC7778 · 28/09/2022 08:18

It's none of your business I'm afraid, as long as there's no abuse and she's being looked after it's down to your ex what he does with his kids 🤷

He’s not abusive but I find it neglectful

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 28/09/2022 18:04

I would be concerned about the other unknown drunk males in close proximity to my young teen daughter.

bellac11 · 28/09/2022 18:07

I think if this is the only activity that your daughter experiences with her dad thats not great contact but equally she is of an age to make her own decisions about whether she wants to see him in those circumstances

You've not identified anything that would lead to a judge for example saying that he couldnt see her under those circumstances.

As others have said, make sure she knows whats safe and what isnt and has a phone on her, even a cheap burner phone.

If she has asked you not to say anything you're going to need to address it with him very sensitively,, can he be trusted to respond appropriately?

Vapeyvapevape · 28/09/2022 18:12

So every time your daughter sees her dad , he gets drunk ? Not acceptable at all .

2bazookas · 28/09/2022 18:23

Of course she SAYS she doesn't want you to say anything to Dad. But that's because she's a kid. Really, she is desperate for you to make it stop, and to do that you have to tell Dad the drink outings with children are inappropriate .

Be an adult parent; she needs at least one.

Original poster
Boujisboo · 29/09/2022 00:22

Vapeyvapevape · 28/09/2022 18:12

So every time your daughter sees her dad , he gets drunk ? Not acceptable at all .

That’s what she says. And until last week I hadn’t seen any obvious signs so thought maybe he is just having a few drinks and because she’s not used to mw e doing that she takes more notice.
to all those criticising. He’s a great dad loves and adores her and until it started creeping in approx a year ago want an issue. Hence me asking for help in thinking it through.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boujisboo · 29/09/2022 00:23

And asking because Eid I do need to stop contact I want to be fair. It’s not black and white and want to do the right thing for my dd no one else

OP posts:
whingewhinge · 29/09/2022 00:47

I wouldn't be ok with this. Is there a chance she could go on a school night instead of weekend (I suspect he won't stop if you ask)

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