In thinking that I crossed a line and I'm a monster?

[ARealMicrowave]

Sorry for the long post. I just feel like I need to get this out.

Some background: I have a 9 year-old daughter who has ADHD and is incredibly defiant. You can tell her the sky is blue and she will insist that NO, it's actually yellow, even if you show her as much evidence as possible. She's been refusing to go to school in the morning lately, and we've been working with her teacher and the school counselor to get her situation figured out. We're also finally having her start in therapy to see if we can get some insight into what's going on with her and see if it helps her mood swings and overall defiant attitude towards life. It's all been incredibly stressful for our entire family.

Normally she and I get along pretty well, though we've had our moments of power struggles because we're both headstrong and tend to dig our heels in in challenging situations. That being said, I've done my best to always be as patient with her as I can and try to understand where she's coming from, especially because she's just a kid and I'm the adult, so it's on me to model how she should be acting. I also always do my best to always apologize if I overstep or overreact.

I also grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household with a father who basically seemed to hate me. When I became a parent, I vowed to NEVER talk to anyone the way I was talked to and to never lay a finger on my child no matter how frustrated or angry I got.

Now for the situation that led me to create this post - A few weeks ago we came home after being on vacation for a few days, and we were all pretty exhausted from traveling and just all of the vacation activities (plus all of the people at the hotel where we were staying). That evening, we were getting situated for bedtime and I was asking her to brush her teeth and get ready for bed like I always do. Normally, she puts up a little bit of a fight but eventually gives in because I start to joke with her or do a dance for her to convince her to brush her teeth. This night, however, she was being extra defiant and just stood at the mirror repeating "No" over and over and over again. At one point she stomped her feet while repeatedly saying "No" and shaking her head.

After about 10 minutes of that, something inside me just finally snapped. I raised my voice at her and said "Fine! Then it's time to go to bed without brushing your teeth!", and I grabbed her under her arms, lifted her up, and tried to carry her to her room. After a few seconds she was yelling "Stop! Put me down! You're hurting me!", and I let her go. As soon as I did, she immediately started crying and ran to my spouse. I felt HORRIBLE the moment I realized what had happened - Her arms and shoulders were sore because she'd been swimming a lot, and I completely didn't think about it because I was so frustrated with the situation. By grabbing her the way I did, it put pressure on those sore spots. I absolutely did NOT intend to hurt her, and getting physical in that way is not something that normally happens in these situations. Normally I'm good about taking a breath and walking away to not let the situation turn into a time bomb.I have never struck/hit her, shaken her, or anything like that. I've carried her to her room for a timeout a few times when she was acting out (which is where my head was going in this situation), but I don't even believe in spanking as a reasonable punishment! It was just so out of character for me.

For the rest of the night I beat myself up. I got so frustrated that I ended up burying my head in my bed and punching the mattress a couple of times (also not a normal thing for me to do). Eventually we all calmed down and I apologized to her and told her that I absolutely overreacted. The worst part is that she started apologizing to me because I was sad, and I told her that it was not at all her fault and that I should have kept my emotions and response under control better in the situation. I ultimately ended up sleeping on the couch because I wanted to give my spouse and child some space away from me. I've vowed to myself to just walk away next time no matter what, even if it feels like I'm "losing" the battle, because I don't ever want to put myself in a situation again where I could potentially hurt my child or cause them some sort of trauma.

As I said, it's been a few weeks and I'm still really beating myself up because I feel like I abused my daughter. I'm also meeting with a new therapist, and I'm afraid that if I bring up this situation to talk about it that they'll call child protective services because of the incident (in the US therapists are mandatory reporters if they suspect abuse). It's really been eating at me because this is not the kind of parent I normally am nor is it the kind of parent that I want to be, but it feels like I crossed a line and I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to come back from it and see myself as anything other than an abusive monster.

Stop abusing the word "abuse" before it loses all meaning. Picking a misbehaving child up with zero intent to cause them harm or pain is not abuse in any way. You are being ridiculous.

@RandomMusings7 This particular poster is on another thread being very goady there too. I wouldn’t waste your breath - they obviously get their kicks out of being a bit of an arse to people in distress on here. No one in their right mind thinks that lifting a child up is an act of abuse. And I say that as someone who follows gentle parenting techniques. Ridiculous accusation!

Just put it down to a very bad day, everyone was tired, forgive yourself. Just try to remember to walk away and take 5 minutes and not react. Easier said than done of course.

Not abuse at all, frustration maybe but not abuse. You sound like an amazing Mum in a very hard situation. Please cut yourself some slack, you are playing a blinder.

Picking a child up isn’t abuse. Stop being so hard on yourself.

From reading all of this it looks like you just tried to pick her up and that's it?

Have you never seen a child being picked up and taken out of a supermarket or park while screaming their head off?

You are definitely being too hard on yourself.

Agree with others re ODD / PDA. Have a look at www.pdaparents.com/post/create-a-lower-demand-lifestyle and think about whether an approach like this might help.

Every parent has had to pick up or restrain a tantruming child and sometimes it has to be quite forceful to stop them hurting themselves or others when they lash out. On the nanny programs they often have to lift a child onto the naughty step or back into bed.

The worst part is that she started apologizing to me because I was sad, and I told her that it was not at all her fault and that I should have kept my emotions and response under control better in the situation.

I think you need to be clearer with yourself and your daughter, tbh. It was partly her fault and it’s okay to say that when you are asking her to do things for her own good, it’s very frustrating to be constantly met with refusals.

But also, you weren’t trying to hurt her, or even punish her. You were trying to remove her from the confrontational situation in a way that is usually fine. You forgot that she might be sore and as soon as she told you she was hurting, you stopped. I don’t think you were behaving abusively or that you were out of control.

Apologies and making up are normal between parents and children, because getting things wrong is also normal. You say sorry, you forgive, you cuddle and it’s dealt with. In this case, you might also want to explore other ways of helping her get these regular things done without confrontation. Ask her if a star chart would help her to remember and want to brush her teeth. Is there something about the taste or feel of the toothbrush or toothpaste she doesn’t like? Can you link toothbrushing with a part of the bedtime routine she does like, e.g. reading a story? It’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t brush her teeth one night, but you want to try to make it a positive routine for her.

You picked her up when she was being a ratbag. Kids will scream that you're hurting them when you haven't even looked at them if they don't want to do something - especially if they learn that you'll self flagellate for days afterwards.

Just chill. She can go to bed with manky teeth or she can go to bed with clean teeth. She's still going to bed whether she likes it or not.

Some people have very compliant, easy going children and others don't. You are only human. You don't sound abusive to me...you sound exasperated and exhausted.

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong OP. Sometimes we have to be able to move them. 'Ouch you're hurting me' is a common tactic to get their way. My DD uses it often for things she doesn't want, eg shoes on or coat zipped up. Agree with others that your reaction to yourself is more of an issue.

This really isn’t that bad and you should stop beating yourself up (we’re all human and kids can be very trying). You already know you won’t do it again.

Agree with this 100%. Although you definitely need to make allowances for ADHD, I wouldn’t be dancing for 9 year old while they poured and stamped their feet whining ‘no no no’ over brushing their teeth. Making allowances doesn’t mean bending over backwards to make sure they are happy 24/7. My son is younger and autistic - he has a board of routine. X time we get pjs on, x time we brush teeth. He ticks each thing off after doing it morning and evening. If he does each thing well he has time to play for 30 mins before bed - if they aren’t done this cuts into his playtime and he goes right to bed. I certainly don’t dance in the bathroom because I’m his mum, not a clown.

I would not stress over this. You picked her up, she said it hurt, you put her back down as you didn’t realise it hurt her. If it even hurt her at all. And I’m 100% against hitting or even shouting, but this situation wasn’t abusive and was understandable. I think maybe you just need to look at whether you’re supporting your daughter appropriately with her condition in mind or whether you’re just pandering to her.

You have not damaged or traumatised DD with one yank from the bathroom. I'm sure doing it triggered a lot of old crap memories from your childhood; just recognise that reaction as yours ( not hers) and that your upset comes from and belongs in the past. Let it go for now; talk to your therapist later.

It sounds to me as if you and your DD's characters have a great deal in common. You're both very emotional, very very stubborn, both determined not to give ground in battle.

Maybe that's something you could discuss with her. Acknowledge that you understand heel-digging because you are so similar, and talk about "what could WE agree to do , both of us, when one or both of us gets stuck in one of these confrontations. Lets make a private plan and try it out . If plan A doesn't work we'll just find another. " Then listen.

She might surprise you you with a very workable suggestion. After all, she's got genes from a very thoughtful and self-aware mother .

I think you might be overly concerned about history repeating itself because of your traumatic childhood. What you did was definitely not abuse. You’re being way too hard on yourself. It sounds like you’re a great Mum.