To ignore my families hints

[Plantymcplant]

My family and I has this dynamic where they tell me about something terrible and then I feel bad and drop everything to help them. I am trying to not feel so responsible for their problems and guilty whenever something comes up.

Today I heard that my mum is sick. She provides childcare for my nephew. My mum rang to say she is worried how my sis (single parent) will cope without childcare.

I didn't offer to help. I feel so guilty but want them to ask for help instead of me jumping in all the time as it makes me exhausted. Aibu?

No,your not.
Congratulations on your first step to being in control.

YANBU. You are not their fixer. Let go of the misplaced guilt, you've done nothing wrong. It is such a waste of emotional energy.

God I hate this so much. I don’t get why people do it.

YADNBU!

And don’t feel guilty!

Do not feel guilt at all.

Did she call your sister? It’s your sisters responsibility to find alternative childcare, these things happen. People get sick, she will need to have a back up plan or call in sick at work (if that’s what the childcare is for)

Well done on starting the process. Let them ask first, but you still don't need to help if you feel you can't.

How well do you get on with your sister? How ill is she?

I've started doing this, I always offered but then people started taking the pee so I don't offer anymore and say no alot more. My sis on other hand I would help her out whenever needed as she would me.

Good for you 👍 Eventually they will be more explicit in asking for help and you can then agree or turn it down if inconvenient.

Do they help you out much at all OP? Do they reciprocate when it's you who is poorly or needs some assistance?

YANBU

Your sister is an adult so will ask if she needs help.

It’s interesting that your mum is calling to hint for help on your sisters behalf. Does she take responsibility to problem solve for others the same way you used to?

You’re doing the right thing and remember it’s not your responsibility to anticipate their needs. Your sister can communicate her need for help if needed.

Turn it back on your mum and ask her what childcare arrangements your sister has made. Every single time somebody asks you for a favour, turn it round and ask them what they're doing/have done to improve their own predicament.

So signpost them to other avenues of help and resources but don't do it yourself. So you're still 'hel0img' but not actively so, this technique might help you to feel less guilty.

I take the exact same approach with my dgm. She can be a martyr and I can't stand hints so now unless I'm outright asked I deliberately ignore the hinting

Good! Ignore. And even they ask, don’t drop everything. You have a right to a life too.