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AIBU?

DP's foul moods and

16 replies

Theweeklymoan · 27/09/2022 21:19

My partner works the night shift and has done for almost 6 years. It isn't compatible with family life which he knows very well, but he chooses to stick with it and not make a request to move to days (which is entirely possible and not likely to be refused)

Naturally I do expect him to do bits and pieces at home (or with/for the children) when he's at home as I refuse to shoulder 100% of the slog on account of his working preferences, but there is always plenty of time to get adequate sleep in - he just doesn't prioritise it and prefers to spend free time watching films and with his pal once the DC are all settled and in bed. Fair enough.

The problem is atleast once or twice a week when he gets up for work after getting a few hours in the evening in preparation to go, he's in a fucking foul mood. I mean foul.

He stomps about the place huffing and puffing, being irritable with everybody and moaning about how tired he is and how he's been rushed off his feet and can barely keep his eyes open (he collected DC from school and accompanied me to tesco ffs, the day before he collected a toddler bed for DD - bare in mind he's just had two nights off and two entire days to relax and rest!)

He was also quite abrupt with my mum who asked if he was OK as he was stomping about clearly in a bad mood.

Anyway, I'm sick of it. Whenever he does this he causes such a bad atmosphere in the house. It sets me on edge, the children pick up on it, it's wholly unpleasant to be around and totally spoils the evening.

There are things he could do to help himself (and the rest of us) such as giving up night work. Prioritising sleep above hobbies when he has nights off etc. He isn't interested in solutions he just wants to sulk, huff and puff.

So AIBU and WWYD..

AIBU to make a stand about these moods and address it rather than just ignoring it as I usually do as he's usually over it by the morning.

And WWYD if you were me? (Short of LTB)

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

56 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
7%
You are NOT being unreasonable
93%
bakewellbride · 27/09/2022 21:22

No advice but my sympathies. My dh works shifts and is not in a good mood right now, it's no fun!

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2022 21:24

He won’t change because things are exactly how he likes them. Begging and pleading for him to be a decent person and a better partner and father probably won’t work.

So if you won’t LTB you could try an ultimatum but you’ll need to be prepared to follow through. If you’re not then you’ll have to accept him prioritising everything else over you and his children. Pretty awful for them even if you can tolerate it.

Theweeklymoan · 27/09/2022 21:28

He has just called me to tell me he forgot the food he was going to take to work, a plate of stir fry sitting on the oven shelf, and told me to bin it.

I asked if he wanted me to get it to him as we only live 10 minutes from his work so I could easily pop it down or send it in a taxi. He said there was no point and just to throw it away.

...why call me to moan about it then?

He just wants to be seen as hard done by and it drives me nuts.

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/09/2022 21:29

YANBU. My DH works a crippling schedule of nights and days and he plans his time accordingly. I grew up with a parent who worked 4 nights a week for years and they also planned their time/sleep properly. In both cases they help/ed out with the kids and chores on days off. Your DH needs to make sleep a priority especially on transition days when they move from days off back to working.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 27/09/2022 21:30

Sorry meant your DP.

Theweeklymoan · 27/09/2022 21:32

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/09/2022 21:24

He won’t change because things are exactly how he likes them. Begging and pleading for him to be a decent person and a better partner and father probably won’t work.

So if you won’t LTB you could try an ultimatum but you’ll need to be prepared to follow through. If you’re not then you’ll have to accept him prioritising everything else over you and his children. Pretty awful for them even if you can tolerate it.

He definitely does do his share with/for the children when he's at home, he only watches films and does his own thing when they're in bed so I can't really complain about him in that way.

It's just the moaning, always painting himself as a martyr etc. Not prioritising rest and then channelling that frustration into a crap atmosphere at home that we're left with once he leaves in his huff.

It's how he implies that doing his bit at home is the reason he's knackered for work when actually it's because he's crap at managing his time and prefers to put rest last on the list, then moans he's tired.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 27/09/2022 21:35

I don’t understand this preference for night shifts. You’re a family and, where possible, that’s what he should be prioritising. He sounds a bit of an arsehole with all that martyrdom act.

Theweeklymoan · 27/09/2022 21:40

Thank you for the replies (my sympathises are with you too bake, its a pain in the arse isn't it!)

I also don't get the preferences for night shifts. He has tried to spin it as benefitting me over the years for example being awake late at night on his nights off so he can do night feeds etc but we are long past that stage now.

I have never met anybody more entrenched in martyrdom in my life. He has some wonderful qualities but my god that isn't one of them. I could give so many examples.

The other day he was moaning about how his muscles ached so I offered to run him a bath with Epsom salts which definitely helps - nah.

Later that day moaning about a sore back again, I offered to massage some deep heat cream into his back which would definitely help - nah.

Tonight I offered to run his work food down there - nah.

It's like he never wants solutions, only problems he can moan about and use to paint himself as hard done by.

OP posts:
Theweeklymoan · 27/09/2022 21:45

I've just thought of another example of his martyrdom.

When he was collecting the toddler bed 15 mins walk away. He called me once he'd collected it saying its much heavier than he thought, he expected something alot lighter he'd be able to carry with ease.

I asked if he wanted me to send an uber. No he didn't. Cue him finally arriving home almost an hour later going on about how hard it was carrying it back. Moaning. Hard done by.

Why not just get a pissing taxi then?!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2022 21:49

Think about the effect living in this environment is having on your kids. They are being taught that his abuse is normal. It's not.

Soubriquet · 27/09/2022 21:49

My dh used to work nights and he was a fucking star.

At one point, he would work, come home and take baby for a couple of hours so I could get some sleep, then he would go to bed. He would still wake up a few hours later in a good mood and want to do stuff.

on his days off he caught up as much sleep as he could get.

Your h sounds like an arse

wellhelloitsme · 27/09/2022 22:01

This is a really toxic environment for your kids to grow up in thanks to his moods (which he takes out on you) and negativity.

Thepossibility · 27/09/2022 22:09

It sounds like a personality problem, not a night shift problem. I agree with PP that he doesn't want anything to change because he actually likes it this way.
He moans to you so you will be extra grateful for all he does.
I would probably be sarcastic back and say “my hero!" “taking one for the team!" or “not all hero's wear capes!". Seems to shut my DH up when he gets like that.

OriginalUsername3 · 27/09/2022 22:30

Ugh mine is like this. Its fucking vile. Honestly I just say OK now. Just ignore it. I even just chatter away to DS while he's whingeing on about whatever the world has against him today. Or just like "hmm k. How many fish fingers do you want?" Kind of thing.

Theweeklymoan · 27/09/2022 23:10

I've now had an apology via text, so he can see very clearly what he's doing and that he's being an arsehole.

It's happened many times though so I don't think I'm happy to leave it there. I'm going to address it properly and essentially tell him to cut the shit in future and to take his bad mood elsewhere.

I usually do the same as you, Original, and just "hmm OK, right anyway.." and he's out of his sulk by the time he comes home in the morning but it just isn't acceptable.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 27/09/2022 23:13

OriginalUsername3 · 27/09/2022 22:30

Ugh mine is like this. Its fucking vile. Honestly I just say OK now. Just ignore it. I even just chatter away to DS while he's whingeing on about whatever the world has against him today. Or just like "hmm k. How many fish fingers do you want?" Kind of thing.

How can you bear to be with a man like this, who behaves this way and does so even in front of your child?

You and your child deserve so much better than a selfish mood hoover.

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