How much do you ever trust or know someone

[Persephoned]

If you were asked to give character testimony for a man you knew involved in a DV case, how would you feel?

it hasn’t happened to me but someone I know who has been accused by a dear friend who I know and have no reason to suspect of anything at all aggressive. But then I also hear the voices of women who aren’t believed because of different fronts perpetrators can present. If it was your best male friend or brother, would you feel sure. I would in those instances but has anyone ever been wrong?

If you can't 100% vouch for him...don't.

Well abusers aren't abusive to everyone all of the time, they'd be pretty easy to spot and end up in prison quite quickly if they did that.

Oh dear, OP. All I can say is that you can never know anyone - and that is unfortunately true for those who are accused of DV as much as for those who accuse them. The only two people who can ever know the truth are the two people who are in the relationship.

Yes, I know that @Merlott That’s why I’m asking the question.

Sorry the most unassuming of people are different behind close doors. I don't want go into details but someone I know presented himself as a respectable person but once one person had made an allegation against him in his family, a number of other people came forward to say they too had been abused. He's now serving 10 years. You can never be sure about people

Sorry, perhaps I’m not being clear. I have not been asked to vouch, and am not asking for advice on that. But someone I know has.

Which made me think - I would vouch for my brother or close male friend. But then wouldn’t everyone? Has anyone ever done this and regretted it or learnt something new. I guess I’m just questioning how I would respond and one should respond. I don’t need to be told abusers can be deceptive.

Thank you for sharing @jellymaker this is what makes me wonder how impossible it is to give a character reference

I wouldn’t vouch for any man, ever.
How can you? The situation is so different behind closed doors. And often the ones who are the the most charitable, the pillars of the community, the ones defrosting your windscreen and clearing the snow from your drive, are the worst offenders. They’re over compensating for a reason.

I wouldn’t vouch for a brother or close male friend either.

No I would never.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Plenty of kind nice men in everyday life are evil bastards to their partners