To feel really uncomfortable and embarrassed about my child

[20221mum]

My child started a brand new school as we’ve moved. It’s in primary school, in the lower end, but older than Reception (sorry don’t want to be really outing!). It’s been very stressful for everyone in the family for many reasons that I don’t want to go into.

well I had a text message last week from a mum I hardly know (she got my number from class WhatsApp) telling me my child punched her child! I was obviously very shocked and this is very out of character. I told her I would speak to my child. Today she approached me and I felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed. I apologised but really I am confused as they both were walking together and laughing at home- time on the day it apparently happened. I spoke to my child who has no memory at all. I know something must have obviously happened and I know the other child is NOT making it up but it’s really confusing. They both again played together today and my child said they’re best friends and wants a play date soon! I spoke to teacher who said she had no idea anything happened and neither kid came to her. They both seemed happy the day it apparently happened.

I felt really awkward with the parent and I apologised again. But Is this a red flag that I should keep my distance? I feel it would have been better if she directly spoke to school instead of coming to me. I am also concerned that if something like that happened why the teachers did not see it. Which is making me doubt my choice of school.

please advise me I’m feeling really embarrassed and awkward when I see this parent, I wish she hadn’t approached me directly. I’m under so much stress right now and can’t handle anything on top. I’ve really tried getting my child to talk about that day.

Uh I've had this recently from someone, I have told her in no uncertain terms to deal with it via school and the teacher can contact me if necessary.
I then contacted my child's teacher to find out some more context and they gave me a wholly different version where my child was defending herself and that it had been dealt with in school as the other mother was aware so the fact she brought it to me was just to be a dick. Walking red flag.

Any issues should be dealt either through the school. I actually had the same when my daughter joined a new school. A mum approached me explaining how my daughter had been punching her at school, this was so unlike my daughter I found it hard to beleive but said i would chat with her. She also had no idea. I explained to the mum that school should deal with it, and we went and spoke to the teachers. Turned out my daughter hadn't done anything and the other child was making it up for attention.

Your own child has no memory of the event, no teachers saw it; but you KNOW the other child hasn't made it up?
This is very odd, you don't know any such thing.

It sounds like she didn’t want to get the school involved and make it a bigger deal than it needed to be.

Just say you’ve spoken to the teacher and your DS and you’re mortified that he would do such a thing. And that the teacher is going to keep an eye on them and separate them if need be.

It doesn’t sound like she wants them to stop being friends else she would have told the teacher.

She may have assumed...

• your child told you
• the school told you
• the school staff were all talking about it
• half the playground parents talked about it happening around you

... so you already knew. In my small town, everyone assumes everyone else knows everything about everyone else, 5 seconds after it happens.

yes your children will forgive each other quickly & easily. If they can roll with living in the moment & forget & move on, so should you.

I wouldn't assume it was your child. I had a parent approach me and have a go at me because my child was picking on her child. She also slated my child to other parents (he has a neurological disability so asking him wasn't an option) turned out it was another child in the class with the same name. I never assume, I go on facts.

Yes, this. I was just trying to work out the same thing. How could your child have no memory of punching someone in the face recently? How do you know it happened?

She should have approached the teacher, and the school would have spoken to you if they had seen or heard anything.

The exact same thing happened to me. I was absolutely mortified and really upset. I spoke to the teacher later that day and the following day they came to me and said absolutely nothing had happened of the sort. (DS has SEN so he is watched like a hawk!).
Later found out that the same mum had done the same to several other parents. Just steered clear of her after that (and breathed a sigh of relief when the kids got moved classes!)

Try not to worry about it. If that had really happened it's really unlikely that no adult at school would know. Kids are really good at telling tales!!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely OP. How long have you lived in the area? Do you have any support nearby?

Can’t get my head round the “don’t tell me tell the school” brigade. Wtf?

id much prefer a parent addressed it to me personally so I could deal with it. Would I fuck want to not be told and just have it go through the school

what’s wrong with people they would want this

Thank you all.

@BillyBobBear thank you. We’ve only been here since a month. It’s not easy settling into a new place as an adult. DD seemed really happy so I took comfort in that but this incident has upset me. I know things will get better but I’m just so down right now.

Op,little kids fight and make up quick. Often they will tell,their mum and dad. The school won’t see everything. Just talk to your child about it being wrong to hit. It’s really not a big deal , not at this stage.

@Fullsomefrenchie because it’s actually protocol for school matters to be dealt with by school. Had the incident happened outside of school then of course not to involve the school. It’s also the fact it feels confrontational if parent approaches you directly.

At all of my son's childcare and primary school settings they never give or confirm the name of the child who is punching or kicking or shoving for this exact reason.

Just tell the mum to speak to the school and stop apologising for something that might not have even happened.

Sorry just to add another reason for the school to sort out is that they’re used to this kind of thing and teachers will be fair and non-biased where as parents will have emotions involved. It’s never good for parents to get involved with little kids fights.

Why don't you think this other child could have made it up? Some kids make shit up all the time.

Hey OP, you sound like you're struggling with feeling low and anxious, and I hope you feel better soon.

From an outsider perspective - this is a bit of a storm in a teacup. Kids do sometimes do these things and the school should be sorting it - although it's unclear if there is anything to be sorted in this instance!

Hopefully when you're feeling stronger you will be able to put this in perspective, and I mean that kindly.

She just sounds a bit annoying.

Kids that age do make stuff up to see what happens, they also often give ‘their version’ which they passionately believe to be true but may be out of touch with reality.

Eg this type of thing happened with us:
Children crowded in corridor, child A has back to child B. A puts on his coat, somewhat carelessly. The zip swings through the air, banging the upper cheek of child B. Child A shrieks “B punched my face! He punched me in the eye!”

Also we had this:
Child C is siting in chair. Wanders off. Child D appears and sits in that chair. Child C comes back and complains to teacher “D took my chair! He pushed me off my
chair!”

They don’t always have the right words to understand to express what happened.

If a parent approaches you again about anything at school just smile pleasantly and say “I’ll ask the teacher to talk to them.”

Because 9 times out of 10 if you confront someone about something it will not end well., especially when it involves their children. Better to do it through the school who can be impartial and who have a more balanced view.

Is she even sure she has the right parent?

@Fullsomefrenchie because it’s literally the schools job to manage the children and their interactions while they are in school and under the supervision of teachers? Why the fuck would I want some random contacting me about something that may or may not have happened in school hours? I would understand, possibly, if there were a few incidents that weren’t resolving (wouldn’t be my approach) with the teacher but as a first off, not confirmed incident? No.

Op just tell her to let the teacher know if she has worries.

How do you absolutely "know" that the other child is telling the truth? I feel sorry for your child that you instantly jumped to believing this bad thing against them, from someone who is basically still a stranger.