Stroppy pre teen

[Kate42]

Please help me. I feel like the worst mother ever. My 11 dd, who recently started secondary school, was sent home yesterday “ill” and has been off today too. She was due to go and do something fun this afternoon, which I have said no to because she is “ill”. She is obviously having issues with the whole secondary school transition, which I both understand and empathise with, and, which her father and I are trying to help her with. However, I believe that letting her go and do her fun thing after being off school is sending her the wrong message. I’m finding it really hard to stick to my guns. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TY.

Why are you finding it hard to stick to your guns? You know that keeping her home is the right thing to do - I don't think this is the dilemma really; I think the issue is the difficulty she's having with school. Transitioning to secondary can be really hard, but I think you need to get to the root of what it is she is struggling with - is it friendship issues, teachers, just finding it all overwhelming? It is a difficult time and you need to be kind and sympathetic about that, but you also need to help her cope and face up to difficult things rather than letting her take a consequence-free day off.

Thank you for your reply.

I am being as kind and as sympathetic as I possibly can. I still want to wrap my baby up in cotton wool. I still want to cuddle her mercilessly. I know I am struggling with the fact that she (only child) is growing up. Whilst I know I should be celebrating this, I can’t help but feel so gut-wrenchingly sad. I try and talk to her about school but as yet I can’t find the source.

You cannot be wishy washy when it comes to rules and boundaries. You have to stick with what you have decided otherwise when will your child know when you actually mean it? The rule usually is if you are off school you cannot then go out that day. Secondary attendance is important, missing school at this point can mean missing out on making friendships. You can't pander especially when you say "ill" like that. I always made mine go in unless they were throwing up or had diarrhoea. Feeling unwell meant you suck it up and go in, the distraction may help.

I would talk to her about how lots of children find the transition into secondary difficult. They have left the safety net of their primary, have new teachers, move classrooms and are usually in a much larger pupil environment with children the size of adults. Of course it is daunting. But it is something she needs to work through. Talk to her, see if you can identify what it is she is struggling with.

Sorry, meant to say talk to her about how you found secondary, lie if it means identifying with what she is potentially feeling. Let her know you understand the upheaval. She may open up if she feels you understand. Remind her that you too were once her age.

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I’m starting to feel a bit better about this now. I’ve done (actually both her father and I) a lot of talking with her. We will keep on doing so. And you’re right about sick days. Thank you again.

I had DS home yesterday after a. a meltdown about homework and b. a streaming cold. In fairness he was properly feeling grotty and spent a lot of the day in bed. He did then ask if he could go to his extra-curricular club in the evening and I said no. That's not how it works; if you have a day off sick, that's the consequence.

I hear you about the transition to secondary school. My DD (also 11) is struggling too. DS has literally only just (this term) started to settle and find his group of friends. He is in year 9. I am seriously hoping it doesn't take as long for DD - it's been a long two years. Hang in there OP - it's a tricky time.

Thank you 🙏 Means a lot 🥹