Imposing a cat - three against one

[Sadgirlonatrain]

My dh, who refuses to grasp he is actually stbxh, wants us to get a cat. My youngest does like cats, but not enough to have one to live in the house. Eldest doesn't like them and is worried it would cause chaos in the house, making a mess and disturbing all the bits and bobs he has around (gaming stuff, school stuff, toys etc) I had a chat with them both last night as all I had heard about the cat plan from dh was that he was getting someone to come and fit a cat flap in the front door. So I asked them if their dad had said anything to them, asked them if they'd suggested they'd like a cat, and they knew as much as me about the whole thing. They both said they'd prefer not to have one and my eldest almost pleaded with me to insist that we don't get one - "You can't just impose an animal on someone that could be there for years and years, please tell dad not to get one." Background is that me and dh don't talk much at all, and I'm guilty of being very very avoidant about everything. So I haven't said anything to him yet, not knowing what his reaction will be. He always had cats before we got married, and I know he would love one. But surely the three of us have a right to say we don't want this?! I know I'm being a bit pathetic, but just wondering what others think....

You say stbxh ixx so he moving out soon ? If so of course he can't have a cat ! But if not 3 people not wanting one should trump the one person that does . ( if he still insists , he can have mine it's a pain in the arse )

@summergone He's known for a few years how I feel, but I've never got as far as telling him to go. He's happy for us to rumble on as barely communicating housemates. Long other story. But I also question the difference between voting three against one not to have a cat, compared to unilaterally deciding I want a divorce, nobody else having a say........... 😖

Your poor kids are living in a toxic environment if you've hardly spoken for years. Ask him to start looking for somewhere else to live today.

If you genuinely want the relationship to end, the cat is a minor issue. Deal with the big problem instead.

If no-one in the house wants a cat, your husband is selfish to impose the cat. Nobody can physically stop him from getting a cat, though, and it sounds like communication has completely broken down. What are you afraid will happen if you ask him about it? If you're too frightened to speak about something like this, the relationship truly is over. Yes, you can make a unilateral decision on something like ending your relationship.

YABVU to focus on the cat issue when the big fat issue is the fact that you are "avoidant" and have stayed with him for years despite being unhappy. What a horrible toxic environment for you all. Do yourself and your daughters a favour and start putting your money where your mouth is; that is, tell him you want him to move out and mean it.

if you're scared to tell him, there's another issue.

This.

I can't even wrap my head around the OP. Is this an abusive situation?

Thank you for the replies. I felt, for want of a better word, "solidarity" with my dc for the first time in the whole bigger issue last night. I felt as if my eldest was imploring me to stand up for what I want, and not to let dh railroad me into things. Maybe this cat issue is a way into dealing with the main problem. There's no threat of violence or abuse, I just feel mentally suffocated by him. Not even intentional on his part ( I don't think anyway) it's just how I feel around him. I've got palpitations typing this out.

You sound really unhappy , have you taken any steps to looking at starting a life without him ?

Does he do (m)any things on this list, OP?
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

Also see www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Thank you for posting this @AnotherEmma I've quickly read through the second one and he's definitely a Mr Sensitive....