To ask him not to come along

[sorrythatsrude]

I realise this is going to make me look awful so please forgive me.

I've been dating a guy and things seemed to be going really well, so I invited him to quite a significant event this weekend.

In the intervening weeks between inviting him and now, I've become less sure about him. It's not a definitely no, but I've seen some things i'm less keen on (nothing worrying, just things that make us less compatible) and I'd like to at least slow things down a ton and see where we get to.

One of the main problems is that we are seeing each other too much and I'm finding it overwhelming (I love quality time once I'm sure I like someone, but in this early stage it isn't working for me).

I really really don't want him to come to the event at the weekend. I know how awful that is but I'd like to just take the time to enjoy it with my friends and family.

I would prefer not to end it outright (although I know he may do so once he's 'uninvited' and I guess that's fair).

How do I even begin to talk to him about this?

I think you can either be open with him (and expect him to be hurt/annoyed or her can reassure you) or put up with him coming this weekend.

I think you've actually decided but don't have the courage of your convictions.

Just dump him if he's not right for you.

Tell him it's been cancelled. And find a way to break it off

Does he know time and where? If not don't bring it up. If he starts asking on Friday then say you thought he wasn't bothered and alternative arrangements have been made.

Otherwise say things have changed for the event so unfortunately he can't come, maybe next time.

Well not maybe next time. Significant event with family is either wedding or funeral. Both are usually one time events

Just tell him how you feel. A wedding (?) is a significant place to be with a partner so if you're not comfortable just be honest with him. Be gentle. If he gets upset then so be it, it will give you an idea was if you want to continue with him.

@sorrythatsrude

you could say they cut numbers to save money

I wouldn’t lie. I’d tell him truthfully that you’ve changed your mind about the event and want to slow things down a bit. If he’s worth having, he’ll agree and back off without making it a big deal.

This is a chance for him to prove he’s reasonable. You need to stop second guessing and worrying about his reaction or whether you’re going to “get it wrong” and start telling him truthfully what you want. If it’s meant to be, it will survive this.

I think this is what I'll do. I would like more time to get to know him, but I really need a breather to make that decision. I think I'll just be honest.

It's not a wedding. It's a reunion with my university friends, at a bar.

I really just want to go and enjoy it with my friends. The thought of having him there isn't filling me with joy.

That's not to say I wouldn't like to get to know him further. Just not in that environment.

What a good idea, as long as he doesn't suggest doing something else instead, nobody there ever posts on social media and it never comes up in conversation in the future.

Why is some people first reaction to lie, it must cause so many issues!

OP I think you need to be honest with him and let him know what you are feeling.

Don't lie to him.
Tell him the truth, and give him time to think if he'd still like to get to know you.

You're not unreasonable for wanting to enjoy the reunion without him but the thing is, you've already invited him.

In the early or medium-term stages of dating someone, if I was invited to something and then a few weeks later uninvited, I would take that as being dumped. The message it conveys is "I like you less now that I've spent a few more weeks getting to know you". Which to be fair seems accurate for you!

Best you can do is just be honest, say you want to slow things down and would prefer to catch up with old friends by yourself. Maybe he gets it or maybe he cuts his losses - I suspect you won't exactly be heartbroken if he does the latter.

With a university reunion you could say that you realise no one is taking partners so sorry for the confusion etc.

If it's a Uni reunion, why not just tell him other partners aren't going so you'd prefer to fly solo? I don't think that's harsh at all, I definitely wouldn't take a fairly new boyfriend to that.

@burnoutbabe snap!

Why would you invite him to a reunion anyway ? He would be sitting around knowing no one , listening to you all reminiscing . I would tell him no partners are going and he will feel bored and out of place .

As per pp's - tell him that you've realised no one else is taking partners so it would be awkward. Tell him soon so he doesn't moan that he hasn't got time to arrange anything else (as that's what would most annoy me).
If you really want to continue dating him, I wouldn't bringing up 'needing more space' so soon after the reunion as he might jump to the conclusion that you met someone there. I do tend to over think things though!

Isn’t it odd to take a boyfriend to a uni reunion anyway?
It’s an easy out, that you’ve been told no-one is bringing anyone.

This. Don't string him along he's not a toy.

Jeez, if you’re feeling like this at this stage, just dump him. It’s not working for you. It never will.

It looks like you don’t think he’s good enough to introduce to your university friends.
if you’re honest with yourself, you might find that you really want to end it. I’d you can’t introduce to your friends, perhaps you should call it a day now, and save both of you time?

It's not a formal thing. It's something we organised ourselves and a bit of a ' more the merrier' thing as it's in a bar. So people are bringing both partners and friends.

I agree, don't lie (outright) but maybe don't share the whole truth either??

How about saying something like - no one else is bringing partners and I got a bit of an eye roll when I said I was. I hope you don't mind but can you sit this one out and come with me next time?

I always get a period after 2-3 months of dating when I want to retreat and have space. It always passes. I just learned to be a bit busier with work around that period and keep in regular chat to not put the chap off.