To be feeling bored in my relationship

soycandles · 2022-09-26T16:32:55+00:00

Been with my OH for more than 20 years, married for half that. I actually was a virgin when we met so there's that too. They're a nice person, and I love them, but over the last few years I feel like things have stared to fade away between us. Is this just a normal passage of time thing? I have no energy for sex anymore. This distresses me because I'm only 40 but at the same time as I said, I have never slept with anyone else. Is that my one sexlife on this earth over and done with? My OH seems to be content with being a hermit these days, never suggesting any trips out or things to do. I do everything for our family, all the organising and planning, suggesting and picking holidays, cinema trips, random weekend things like going to crazy golf or a walk along the river. OH never comes up with anything - is always happy to go along with stuff but is never the one to suggest it. I am tired of doing everything myself. Sorry, I don't know how else to explain this. Basically I feel like I run the management of this relationship and family but I do it all on my own. OH would seemingly be content with sitting on the sofa and scrolling on phone for the rest of our days but like I said, I am 40 and already bored senseless by our life unless we do something that I plan. Put simply, how do you know when your relationship hs run out of steam?

Original poster

soycandles · 27/09/2022 11:22

Did I do something wrong to get no replies to this? Have I posted in the wrong place? 😥

OP posts:

candycaneframe · 27/09/2022 11:30

Certainly sounds like yours has run out of steam

I'd be tempted to try counselling as a couple as a last try then look to leave

Montana1612 · 27/09/2022 11:31

Could you sit him down and let him know how you feel he takes you for granted and has become complacent and it’s making you feel unloved? Maybe suggest he has to plan a nice day out for you both once or twice a month to inject some excitement back into the relationship. It might feel forced to begin with but hopefully after a few months the spark will start to naturally come back if you are spending more quality time together and he’s making more effort.
if he’s totally uninterested in trying to fix things and he just wants to carry on plodding his way through life then the only thing you could do is accept it and spend time doing fun stuff with other people instead or to leave him and find someone you can click with better (or just enjoy being alone)

candycaneframe · 27/09/2022 11:34

Montana1612 · 27/09/2022 11:31

Could you sit him down and let him know how you feel he takes you for granted and has become complacent and it’s making you feel unloved? Maybe suggest he has to plan a nice day out for you both once or twice a month to inject some excitement back into the relationship. It might feel forced to begin with but hopefully after a few months the spark will start to naturally come back if you are spending more quality time together and he’s making more effort.
if he’s totally uninterested in trying to fix things and he just wants to carry on plodding his way through life then the only thing you could do is accept it and spend time doing fun stuff with other people instead or to leave him and find someone you can click with better (or just enjoy being alone)

Love how everyone jumps to assume the OH is a man

Typical MN

Hankunamatata · 27/09/2022 11:39

Peri menopause made me blah at 40. Started hrt and brought back all the romantic feelings for OH. I suppose its if you can accept your will always be the planner in the relationship

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/09/2022 11:43

Hi OP,
Really sorry to hear about the boredom. Does your OH show any signs of depression?
My relationship history is similar to yours and my OH had undiagnosed post-natal depression which sort of spiralled into a generalised mid-life crisis, which was extremely hard to live with...
We had about 10 deep heart to hearts conversations (all initiated by me!) - 9 of them achieved nothing, I was tearing my hair out, then on the 10th time OH finally 'got it' and went to the GP. Has been taking SSRI medication, had some NHS CBT, joined the gym, and is much more positive and we have re-captured some of that lost mojo.
I think being in a LTR spanning decades is hard work, things don't stay the same they evolve and change, not always for the better - but if the love is still there then it's worth seeing if you can work out what's going on with each other and get the help that's needed.
Wish you all the best x

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 27/09/2022 12:17

I mean, if you have to ask whether it's run out of steam, it probably is on its way there, yes...

Question is, what do you want to do about it? Do you want to work towards having a happier healthier relationship together? Or have you got one foot out of the door looking for permission to leave?

If the latter, well, you can leave whenever you like really. When you imagine being single again and divorcing, how does it feel? Like a liberation, or terrifying?

Maybe you can sit down and plan out what that would look like. Financially, practically, what you could afford, where you'd live and so forth, what you'd do with the kids. Then you'll actually know what the grass looks like on the other side.

Alternatively you can be honest with your spouse and tell them how you feel, that you'd like to do more, be more active, spend more time together. That you want them to plan a date once per month or something. Or initiate half of the family days out. See how it goes. Maybe even couples counselling if it's gone pretty far.

Or, you can keep chugging along as you are and accept this is how many long relationships turn out. They just do. Plenty of people are satisfied with it too.

Original poster

soycandles · 28/09/2022 10:26

Montana1612 · 27/09/2022 11:31

Could you sit him down and let him know how you feel he takes you for granted and has become complacent and it’s making you feel unloved? Maybe suggest he has to plan a nice day out for you both once or twice a month to inject some excitement back into the relationship. It might feel forced to begin with but hopefully after a few months the spark will start to naturally come back if you are spending more quality time together and he’s making more effort.
if he’s totally uninterested in trying to fix things and he just wants to carry on plodding his way through life then the only thing you could do is accept it and spend time doing fun stuff with other people instead or to leave him and find someone you can click with better (or just enjoy being alone)

Hi Montana, yes I have spoken about this a few times. I have said how exhausted I am being the one who has to "sort" everything and OH promises to do more and might do for about a week and then just slips back into old habits and the norm. You're not the first person to suggest deliberately planning 1 on 1 activities and I know they would most likely help, but I am immediately put off doing this becasue I know it will be me planning it all and suggesting it, making it happen. I want them to want to do things and they just don't. It's a horrible place to feel like I know I could help fix things if I make the plans, but after 20 years I am so tired of being the one who has to do it.

But thank you for your advice, I am grateful for it.

OP posts:

Original poster

soycandles · 28/09/2022 10:27

Hankunamatata · 27/09/2022 11:39

Peri menopause made me blah at 40. Started hrt and brought back all the romantic feelings for OH. I suppose its if you can accept your will always be the planner in the relationship

I have wondered about this as I do think I am having one or two early symptoms and I know the hormones can wreak havoc on mood etc. Not sure how receptive my GP will be to running a blood test for me (such a nightmare even to just get seen) but I might give it a go. Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

soycandles · 28/09/2022 10:29

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/09/2022 11:43

Hi OP,
Really sorry to hear about the boredom. Does your OH show any signs of depression?
My relationship history is similar to yours and my OH had undiagnosed post-natal depression which sort of spiralled into a generalised mid-life crisis, which was extremely hard to live with...
We had about 10 deep heart to hearts conversations (all initiated by me!) - 9 of them achieved nothing, I was tearing my hair out, then on the 10th time OH finally 'got it' and went to the GP. Has been taking SSRI medication, had some NHS CBT, joined the gym, and is much more positive and we have re-captured some of that lost mojo.
I think being in a LTR spanning decades is hard work, things don't stay the same they evolve and change, not always for the better - but if the love is still there then it's worth seeing if you can work out what's going on with each other and get the help that's needed.
Wish you all the best x

Yes, I totally think there are symptoms of depression and I have mentioned this more than once (I specifically remember a conversation we had before Covid where I said I was really concerned about this and wanted them to seek help). The problem is OH just shrugs and says "I dunno" and that's about it. I may try again tho. So glad to hear your OH has really found an uptick in their life and consequently yours as a couple. thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

soycandles · 28/09/2022 10:32

AlwaysTheBrideNeverTheBridesmaid · 27/09/2022 12:17

I mean, if you have to ask whether it's run out of steam, it probably is on its way there, yes...

Question is, what do you want to do about it? Do you want to work towards having a happier healthier relationship together? Or have you got one foot out of the door looking for permission to leave?

If the latter, well, you can leave whenever you like really. When you imagine being single again and divorcing, how does it feel? Like a liberation, or terrifying?

Maybe you can sit down and plan out what that would look like. Financially, practically, what you could afford, where you'd live and so forth, what you'd do with the kids. Then you'll actually know what the grass looks like on the other side.

Alternatively you can be honest with your spouse and tell them how you feel, that you'd like to do more, be more active, spend more time together. That you want them to plan a date once per month or something. Or initiate half of the family days out. See how it goes. Maybe even couples counselling if it's gone pretty far.

Or, you can keep chugging along as you are and accept this is how many long relationships turn out. They just do. Plenty of people are satisfied with it too.

Thanks for your reply, your questions are all very much food for thought and things I have been asking myself already. One of the trends I've noticed is that I feel desperate to get alone time these days. I crave being on my own, I dream about a week in a cabin by myself. Which seems so weird. OH is not an unpleasant person, not angry, never violent - they're NICE. So why do I feel so stifled? It's a horrible feeling, especially when the very idea of doing work to repair things feels just insurmountable to me, again, becasue I know it will be me leading the charge on it all. I am wondering if mostly this is just helping me vent so that I don't feel alone. Thank you.

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 28/09/2022 10:37

This sounds difficult. I wouldn’t like to be with someone who leaves all the planning to me either. I don’t think this sounds unsalvageable. It might depend on how much he is willing to work on things and how much you’re willing to carry on with the responsibility for future plans. All the best.

BigFatLiar · 28/09/2022 10:38

It takes both of you to make the relationship work.
We've been through dull periods, from both of our points of view, but always talked. Generally we enjoy the same things and spending time together but there are things I enjoy he doesn't just means I do them on my own or with friends. One of the things he doesn't like is hot places so if I want a holiday somewhere warm I go without him. There's no problem in spending some time on your own if that's what you want, you're not joined at the hip.
If you want a break on your own why not go? Weekend at the spa could be a start.