To ask if DD is BU for not wanting presents from her boyfriend?

[colaneri22]

She's 17 and she's started dating one of her friends, a fairly new relationship, he seems like a nice, polite lad and they seem happy together etc so no issue there. However, he's constantly buying her things whether it's sweets, chocolates, necklaces, keyrings, a snow globe from a holiday etc. DD is very grateful but she said to me she wishes he have to buy her something everytime they see each other as she wants to spend time with him for him and not the presents, but she doesn't know what to say as she doesn't want to upset him/make him think she's being ungrateful.

Is she BU (I don't think she is but would love some unbiased opinions).

What? She should just tell him to stop buying her stuff as she doesn't want it.

Tell her to look up love languages, and chat to her bf about how their love languages might be different.

I would have thought at 17 she would be capable of saying 'Aw, that's sweet of you - but you need to stop buying me stuff all the time! Seeing you is enough.'

She needs to chat to her boyfriend because he's setting himself up to be taken advantage of years down the line.
I don't think she's being unreasonable, not every girl wants showered with presents and I would imagine after a while it become pretty annoying. He seems a nice guy but he can't go around buying love, he's only young, hopefully with a chat with your daughter he will see the error of his ways.
You should be proud of your daughter as well, she's not someone whose with him for what she can get out of him, she seems grounded.

My DS and his GF are like this. They both spend stupid amounts of money on junk. Sweets, mugs, soft toys etc and the house is full of it.

They've been together a year and aren't showing any signs of it waning, but I really worry it's not at all healthy. I think it comes from her , as he never thought about presents before, but he's certainly embraced it.

She's from a blended family with tricky relationships and I do wonder if there's a link. E.g. dad didn't turn up often, but when he did was laden with gifts?

DD doesn't want to say anything like that as she doesn't want to seem ungrateful and apparently he overthinks a lot about their relationship etc

Tell her to tell him to cool it.

It must feel really odd if they've been just friends up to recently to be faced with this barrage of tat.

Why do you think she's being unreasonable?

Are girls obliged to accept unwanted gifts, or anything else unwanted, from a boyfriend?

Do you think she should she be polite and suck it up, or is she allowed to create a relationship that makes her feel comfortable?

Do you think she has to manage his feelings and avoid bruising them by telling him he's doing something that makes her feel uncomfortable?

Yikes, I'd be a bit concerned about this. Is he controlling at all?

If they were friends before they got together she should be able to talk to him.

Tell her new relationships should be easy and make feel comfortable and relaxed, not anxious and scared of upsetting or offending.

If they're not mature enough to communicate they shouldn't be together.

I don't think she's BU.

He doesn't seem controlling, he just asks her if she's going to break up with him etc as apparently his ex broke up with him randomly after a small argument when things apparently were fine before that.

She is only unreasonable if she doesn't say anything. Buying silly gifts/tokens isn't unusual when you are in love but he's not a mind reader and she needs to ask him to stop.

If she can't have a simple, light conversation about this small thing this early on, especially after they have been friends before, then she needs to think about whether it's the right relationship.

It really depends on how it makes her feel. If he's doing it because he over thinks the relationship and has poor self esteem and is trying to encourage her affections through gifts then it could be love bombing which can feel overwhelming for the receiver. If she doesn't like it she needs to let him know gently that he doesn't need to do it and she prefers to spend time together instead. Whether you think she's BU or not kind of doesn't matter- what matters is how comfortable she feels with it and it doesn't sound like she likes it. So that in itself makes it reasonable for her to feel that way and he needs to respect that and try to find a more comfortable balance that works for them both.

She isn't unreasonable for not wanting gifts

She is unreasonable for expecting him to be psychic

As a 17 year old she is more than old enough to speak for herself, I'd hope anyway.

She needs to just simply say she appreciates the gifts but it's getting to a point where it's making her feel uncomfortable, she really likes him and doesn't need presents to stay.

If they kid is insecure based on a previous break up he might just need reassurance to stop the gifts

I keep thinking about the Lobster Boy thread, teen boy with a completely bonkers girlfriend!

She’s not unreasonable
Sounds like he’s still trying to figure out dating, and a bit emotionally scared from his previous relationship
a gentle conversation would do wonders

It's never too early to learn women are not a rehab for men. And his issues with his ex are not your daughters problem to solve.
She shouldn't be walking on eggshells in case her very reasonable request sets off a reaction about the ex.
It might be a really mild form of control right now but it is so unhealthy to fall into the pattern of not rocking the boat.

My ex bf was like this, constantly buying stuff for me. I asked him to stop because 1) the gifts were thoughtless, 2) they were taking up a lot of storage and, 3) receiving gifts was HIS love language, not mine. He carried on even after I told him to stop and I realised I was being love-bombed

Really valid point

Just wondering why it's any of your business.

If she's old enough to have a boyfriend and presumably have sex, she's old enough to sort this out on her own, isn't she?

What Jay55 said.

This relationship needs to come to an end if your daughter is not comfortable in it for any reason.

Constantly seeking reassurance that she's not going to dump him like some other girl did and piling on gifts are actually very controlling behaviours.

They're emotionally manipulative. He's expecting her to be better than the previous girlfriend, very careful about his feelings, and making her look like an ungrateful cow for turning down 'sweet' gestures of affection if she ends up breaking up with him. This is a relationship where your daughter is feeling pressure not to be true to herself.

How does your daughter know about the ending of the previous relationship? If she heard from him that the old girlfriend dumped him after a silly argument, it's very likely that she hasn't been told the truth, or anything like the truth.

Boys and men who are baffled about breakups that 'happen out of the blue' tend not to be good relationship material because they never acknowledge behaviour of theirs that alienated their girlfriend or wife.

It might be a good idea for your daughter to have a chat with the previous girlfriend. My guess is that this girl got tired of having such a sensitive soul to mind.

I dislike gifts (as I dislike all wasteful tat) and would have put a stop to this. Or dumped him. People who throw gifts at others only do it so they can go "oh but think of all the things I buy you" later on.

As shown in your other post, he is only doing this as part of his immature "waah what if you break up with me" patheticness. And pathetic men become nightmares when you try and scrape them off.

Sounds like he's already got her tiptoeing around him. Tell your dd not to censor her own behaviour as it's not healthy to do that in a relationship. If he has a problem with her not wanting gifts, it's his problem to deal with, not hers.

It's never too early to learn women are not a rehab for men

This with bells on.