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AIBU?

Does DH have ADHD?

12 replies

Tigers84 · 26/09/2022 11:29

I'm at my wits end with DH & very close to leaving him but reading some posts on here that have described adult ADHD has made me wonder if he has it. The things that piss me off are

He's so unorganised - each day is so chaotic, he's constantly losing keys/wallet/phone - and irritable like it's everyone else's fault he's lost them

He's useless with money - earns a really good wage but always behind on bills, ie phone gets cut off on a regular basis, and we've had debt collectors at the door for unpaid bills several times this year - I've noticed he never opens letters and just buries his head in the sand

And the biggest one, it's like he just doesn't care about me and it breaks my heart. He has a complete disinterest in anything I'm doing or feeling. For example I've been unwell this weekend, and he's not once stepped up to look after our 2 year old - he's lay on the couch all weekend letting me do it all. He never does the mornings or middle of the night and if I ever raise an objection I get the fact he's the main earner and pays the majority of the bills thrown at me like that makes it okay he does F all of the childcare. I work full time too but most of my money goes on childcare, food/ household stuff, my portion of the bills and everything for our daughter (clothes, trips out, toys etc) - I don't know if he has just honestly stopped caring or he's no ability to have any empathy - it's like he cannot see anything from my side like how hard I work & how much pressure it is feeling like the only parent too

There's a few other things that make me wonder too, he gets fixated on stuff like we've started to do a lot of work on the house and he'll get obsessed with the next project before finishing current one

So I guess, my question is does this sound like someone with ADHD or is he just a complete nob?

OP posts:
Merlott · 26/09/2022 13:08

Regardless of any dx he may or may not have, put yourself and DC first not his feelings or issues

elastamum · 26/09/2022 13:15

ADHD does not mean that you don't have empathy or care about others.

MangoBiscuit · 26/09/2022 13:18

Some if that does sound like ADHD, but I think it may be irrelevant here. Having ADHD would be a reason for struggling with certain things, it is NOT an excuse to treat you poorly.

Currently awaiting a full assesment, but it's highly likely I have ADHD and ASD. I am well aware that I struggle with some things and ideally need DP to help me a bit with them. That doesn't make any of those tasks DPs responsibility (he might help me find my phone, but it's still my responsibility) I know I'm dreadful at remembering when bills are due, so it's direct debits as far as possible, and calendar reminders, and alarms on my phone, very pretty, overly complicated spreadsheets so I that can gamify saving money and get some dopamine from keeping on top of things.

I also might get totally caught up in what I'm doing and temporarily forget that DP is feeling poorly (which makes me feel shit when I do it) but as soon as it's back in my mind again, I want to look after him, despite me currently working more than him, being the main earner, and paying more of the bills. Because I love him, and I want us both to be happy and comfortable.

Your H might have ADHD, but he also sounds like a selfish arse, sorry OP.

SleeplessInEngland · 26/09/2022 13:19

He's useless with money - earns a really good wage but always behind on bills, ie phone gets cut off on a regular basis, and we've had debt collectors at the door for unpaid bills several times this year - I've noticed he never opens letters and just buries his head in the sand

This alone is completely unacceptable. Tell him if he doesn't immediately address his behaviour (there is medication or ADHD) then he's left you no choice.

TheSoapyFrog · 26/09/2022 13:23

I have ADHD and a lot of that is relatable.
However, many people with ADHD tend to be very empathetic and what you've described in that part seems to be a (shitty) personality thing rather than a symptom.

Trying2Learn · 26/09/2022 13:26

Exactly what @MangoBiscuit said

LateAF · 26/09/2022 13:35

Sounds like ADHD as well as being an arsehole.

FireballTwenty · 26/09/2022 13:36

Sounds like a complete nob who also happens to have ADHD.

Sleeplessinstockport · 26/09/2022 13:38

This is my DH, he been diagnosed with Adhd in july and awaiting the next steps but it could take until next year.
He is also a general dickhead too which is unrelated to his Adhd and I think your dh may be a bit of both too!

Pineappleamy · 26/09/2022 13:50

People with ADHD are often generous. DH and I both have ADHD. I cannot stand neurodiversity even if he has it to be used as an excuse for not caring about others.

The rest of your description could describe someone with ADHD but lying on a sofa not caring about you is just inexcusable.

housemaus · 26/09/2022 15:21

As someone with ADHD whose husband has ADHD and autism... maybe he has ADHD, but a huge amount of that is him just being a dick.

If I were being charitable I'd say living with undiagnosed ADHD is a huge toll on your MH and feeling like you can't ever get anything right - including losing everything and being financially fucked all the time - is exhausting and demoralising and that feeling that way for a long time might make you self-absorbed and shitty to those around you. But it isn't an excuse, and being neurodivergent does not a) come with a free pass to be a knobhead and b) mean you're free from the responsibility to try and fix it when you're being a knobhead.

Echobelly · 26/09/2022 15:31

I agree with others it's a mix of ADHD and being a dick.

DH has probably got ADHD we realised after DS was diagnosed - he has to look for his stuff every day, is either sitting around watching YouTube videos or having sudden spurts of productivity when he gets loads of stuff done at once.

I've realised I have to really spell it out to him when I am ill - ie saying 'I've got a bad cold' or 'I think I have that thing the kids had last week' doesn't really register, but 'I will need to you do X and Y today, I am not well enough' gets through to him. I used to be a bit annoyed about how much he'd seem to go on about being ill himself but, after a conversation, realised that was just his way of being clear he couldn't do stuff and wasn't just lying around, and it made me understand that I needed to be that clear with him that I when I am ill.

DH is terrible at reading post and it does mean we sometimes end up spending extra on, say, traffic violations (a bit too easily got in certain parts of London ATM due to new restrictions) because the car is registered to him and he doesn't open post until months later when the fine has gone up. But he's never let bills etc get out of control - OP, your DH needs to set up direct debits if at all possible, and look at other solutions for making life less stressful.

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