To wonder why my manager ignores me when I say this

[autumnisheree]

At the start of our meetings, there's usually a bit of small talk. Usually my manager will ask how I am, and I'll reply saying I'm good how are you? They always ignore the 'how are you' bit, and instead ask me another question like 'did you have a nice weekend?' At first I thought maybe they didn't hear me, but it happens all the time and I'm worried I'm committing some kind of faux pas without realising...

surely in the UK ‘how are you’ is a rhetorical question?

It's not a faux pas from you and it is a little bit rude of your manager but it's a bit of a nothing question, really, like "hi, you ok?" or "hi, you good?". If it was me I can imagine the conversation going:

"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm good thanks, you?"
"Yeah, good thanks".
"Good".

No you're not committing any faux pas... you just haven't understood that the point of this small talk is just social chit-chat and diplomacy. He's not really particularly interested in how you are and vice versa, he's just getting through it to get to the meat and potatoes of the discussion.

You're not doing anything wrong at all but it's slightly surprising that you've worked in the corporate world and never noticed this.

Sounds like they are just hurrying along the meeting And don’t want to engage in small talk
I don’t think they are being rude on purpose they just wanna get on with it the purpose for the meeting is for them to ask you questions I guess rather than you them
Don’t think nothing of it

If you are not from the uk you are probably getting confused with people saying "alright?" As a greeting. This can be rhetorical. Out and out asking "how are you" is not rhetorical and is rude to ignore.

Wonder if it's some sort of power play from your boss OP

Surely saying "good thanks" would take less time than ignoring and asking about the weekend?

OP has a point, uk or not

It is "rhetorical " but I too have observed this hierarchy behaviour.

IMO, the manager thinks is is a cut above you. I bet you if the CEO asked your manager asked how he/she was, he'd respond!

People in my family do it, EG you ask them how are you they ignore it and ask about you.

Happens in most workplaces - so, when he/she asks next time just say, 'ok, thanks. Treat him/her with the contempt they treat you

I work in a very corporate environment and I also have many direct reports. As a senior manager I would never dream of ignoring a direct report (or anyone) who asks how I am.

Some people really let their jobs get to their heads

I kinda with this - manager starts with a “how are you” not really wanting to know - so if you said something like “I’m not to good to be honest”, they’d not know how to respond! Strange though that they follow up with another question rather than just push on.

I work with someone who keeps asking how are you four or five times every meeting its so wearing, we all know the only acceptable answer is fine thanks and you so why waste time on it? I’m not neurotypical and genuinely don’t know how to answer the question in a way that isn’t utterly banal because I don’t genuinely want to tell you how I am and overshare or come across as a Debbie Downer. What is it you want to hear in a good answer to this question?

They’re being a bit rude not to just say ‘Yes, good thank you’ but it’s probably nothing personal to you. Just ignore it. Or vary your greeting/response. You haven’t made a faux pas.

More likely your manager has read one of those books about being a good manager in which your'e supposed to express interest in the other person. DH does this sometimes. It can be quite frustrating as anytime someone asks him or me a question, he interrupts to turn it back on them because he's terrified of taking up too much of the talking time.

Agree, I wouldn't bother asking again as they obviously feel far too important to answer.

Just say "good thanks 😊 " and leave it at that

Oh I always get in a tangle with this myself - it means nothing, it's just a formal exchange of niceties. I often forget to say 'how are you?' and then people are wrong-footed and we get in a mess, though sometimes people will carry on regardless and say 'I'm fine thank you' even though I haven't asked. I have never really got this properly at all!

what about something like this?

or this?

this

one shoulder

long black

None of these are dresses I'd wear but I'm basing ideas on the dresses you've already posted.

Also, consider whether you want to buy a really formal evening dress you might never get to wear again. The one shoulder one I posted could be fab, but how often would you get to wear it?

Oops. Wrong thread!!! Sorry.

@Claritybythesea

You're probably more self aware than most of these people are.

I'm not defending it, it is rude but I'm slightly surprised that anyone can have worked in corporate land and not come to realise fairly quickly that senior people don't really give a shit how you are most of the time, they just want to get on with it.

OR

Respond to his question by saying the same, "how are you, " this is what I did when I worked in California and NY

My manager is a good manager so I don't think it's because they don't care. I was worried in case it's because I just say 'good thanks, you?' rather than going into more detail about how I am in a work context, and whether I should be answering by saying 'I'm ok, a bit busy with X, Y and Z'

I don’t think it’s necessarily rude of a more senior person to ask questions about you but be less forthcoming about themselves. It’s part of their job to check in on the wellbeing of a more junior person, it’s not the more junior person’s job to check in on the more senior people.

That conversation could go:
Manager: How are you?
Junior: Fine thanks, and you?
Manager: How was your weekend?
Junior: Well actually my dog died so it wasn’t great
Manager: Oh I’m sorry to hear that, would you appreciate it if we took you off the Champion Pet Food account for a while?

I mean it’s still more polite for the manager to at least acknowledge the question with a quick “I’m good” but it’s not unusual for these conversations to be a bit more of a one way street.

"How are you?", like "How do you do? " are just social niceties, like a verbal handshake. .They are not requests for information about your health or activities.

I’ve done this today. I’m not fine but I have no inclination to go into my issues with anyone and I’m sure most people who ask this question aren’t expecting a truthful response if the truth is gloomy. I could lie, but my upbringing goes against that and perhaps more importantly, I fear that time will reveal me to be a liar if I do lie, so I just avoid the question. I didn’t start off asking how the other person was though!

Possibly he is trying to be a good manager but is having some issues which he doesn’t want to talk about.

I often do the opposite and end up with this:

Me: how are you?
Them: good thanks, you?
Yes I'm good thanks, you?
Them: 😬

I think for some people, how are you is rhetorical, almost like "hello".