To ask for tips on how to get your preteen to talk to you

[HuzzahIndeed]

I can get a bit shouty but I'm trying really hard to improve. She gets stroppy but I guess it's to be expected.

We spend lots of 1:1 time. I'm conscious it can be hard to give her my complete attention sometimes and I need to work on that.

We generally get on OK but I realised she just doesn't tell me anything that isn't superficial. I ask her and just get shrugs. She doesn't seem to like direct questions but she doesn't volunteer anything.

I don't have much of a relationship with my mum and I remember purposely not telling her stuff. She knows nothing about who I am. I'm worried it's going to be the same with my daughter. 😪

I've read "How to talk..." and it is handy for conflict (the imagining thing works surprisingly well!) but it's not designed to help with daily stuff.

I know I need to take an interest in her interests eg playing her favourite games with her (no matter how mind numbing!) but I don't know how else to improve our relationship before it deteriorates.

What are your tips for having a close relationship with your daughter?

Listen more than you talk.
Ask her opinion. Listen to the answer.
Give her as much space as you can to take decisions that aren't what you want.

Wait 5 years.

Maybe share some of your own feelings/experiences (in an appropriate way of course not over sharing inappropriate stuff). Eg “I’ve had a hard day today because x happened and now I feel y”. so you model talking about feelings?

maybe just time together doing things like driving or walking. I always find both those activities great time for talking as your both together and it quiet, but you aren’t just sat with each other.

Make her know she's loved all the time

How old is she?
It's just it doesn't say exactly

@Lessofallthisunpleasantness what do you mean? Do you mean it will be worse in 5yrs or that it will improve?
If it's the former, that's why I want to head it off as much as possible now. If it's the later, how will if get there from here?

@purpleme12 she was 12 a few weeks ago. She absolutely knows she is loved unconditionally. We've always made that a priority.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow she wants to start going swimming together which I'm up for and just trying to sort out a time.

We spend lots of 1:1 time. I'm conscious it can be hard to give her my complete attention sometimes and I need to work on that.

That's definitely the best you can do. Make sure your phone is not near you to help with the attention. Phone-free mummy time. Let her choose what she wants to do, take her lead. 15 mins a day should be enough as long as you're fully present.

Share stories about you from the time you were her age.

In the rare cases she talks, try to listen without offering solutions. Just validate her feelings and tell her it's important she told you that/ you're glad you two are talking about this,etc.

Following this for tips

Following too. My 12 year old is an absolute nightmare for not opening up.

Best conversations are either in the car, or on a walk. No distractions (for the child, anyway), no eye contact required.

With my DC 13 I have found telling her that there is nothing she can say or do that will make me stop loving her since she was small has really helped. I have tried to make it clear that there is no judgement coming from me or her dad and that seems to have helped her be open with us.

I also very much go down the 'what do you think about it' route which I think had helped her realise that her thoughts and opinions are valid and that I'm interested in what she has to say.

Good luck OP.