Do parents of 'neurotypical' children really understand?

[WindmillsOfMyMind12]

My son is 4 and is awaiting an assessment for adhd. I'm wondering about autism too but it's very mild if it is there. Although we haven't had the official paediatrician diagnosis yet, other professionals have said yes, it's adhd.

As a primary school teacher, I've taught many neurodiverse children over the years but in no way did that prepare me for having my own child with very challenging behaviour. Dh and I can be so exhausted sometimes. My ds is bright, funny, loving and totally gorgeous but he goes at 100mph, he's impulsive, reckless, highly emotional and has very little concept of risk despite our efforts. We have to be one step ahead and on it all the time, in all situations.

When we're out, I often feel on edge, especially in front of other parents. I feel like they're judging us if ds's behaviour isn't as it 'should be'. Part of me wants to say, my son's got adhd and we're doing everything we can but his behaviour can be unpredictable. It doesn't stop me going to different places with him as I feel like he needs to have different experiences to learn how to adapt but I can be a nervous wreck sometimes!

Now I have a 'neurodiverse' child of my own, I feel so much more compassion and have greater awareness for similar children and their parents. But I do wonder if parents of neurotypical children make judgements? Do they get it at all? Could be that I'm just insecure in my parenting skills with tackling adhd but it can feel like other people judge. It feels like society isn't as 'inclusive' as it could be sometimes.

Zombie thread.

I have NT children and I just assumed the difficult behaviours of children I saw out and about were just due to lack of parenting boundaries etc.

Roll on the years and I started working in a nursery. Now when I'm out and about I can usually see what behaviours are likely to be due to underlying ND conditions.

However, I also know working with ND children for a few hours a week is only the tip of the iceberg compared with the challenges the parents must face day to day and in the years to follow - not just with their children but to get the support their children need.

I don't think they do. I think they just thank their lucky stars their kids are fine but otherwise neither get it now want to get their perfect little darlings mix with the disabled crowd. I have been dropped by every single friend with a child over the years. But I fairness I might have done the same if the tables would turn the other way. So I am trying not to judge.

@wizzywig to some extend I agree. I have a HF and a LF child. Whilst the HF one has loads of support needs esp for mental health but a few other bits, it just isn't the same as caring for a severely disabled child. But just like parents of NT kids don't get ND issues, parents of HF children often don't understand the extra challenges that come with someone who has severe learning difficulty and needs a hello a more hands on care and 24/7 support.

I think lots of people do understand to a point. I’m ND and so is my DH and so is my ds. However, we’re all able to live relatively normal lives. It’s hard to truly and fully understand how someone feels with a child who has more extreme issues - whether these are being unable to be toilet trained, putting everything including dangerous stuff in their mouth or a teenager being very violent in the home. However, I can obviously imagine how exhausting that is and how that would (in many cases) be very hard to manage day to day.

I don’t think it needs to be competitive between those with higher functioning children and those without. People cannot fully know other people’s stories or what they’ve experienced in life. My ds may be able to generally function in normal life with some alterations, but he also had severe health problems and nearly died as a baby. He only slept for 30 mins maximum at a time due to severe pain, he stopped feeding properly and doctors wouldn’t listen properly to me. It’s a very hard experience when your child is awake and very distressed in that awake time night after night and you feel useless because you can’t comfort them. Fortunately, he was diagnosed and treated just in time. Very few people really understood the full impact of this, partly because he was without diagnosis and we couldn’t fully say what was causing it. So, it isn’t an SEN specific issue.

We can all imagine how certain situations impact others, but it’s so dependent on many other factors as to the specific effects in that family and on that parent and that child. Even with experiences that are common, like having a newborn - everyone talks about lack of sleep and we can picture that it might be hard and be understanding of others, but if we’ve not lived through it, we might not understand how much that would impact us and our lives ourselves. Again, there are so many factors that lead into that. We can make the effort to be empathetic to others though.

Just as one example when you are trying to stop your DC self harming due to not being able to regulate their emotions it is pretty stressful!

I agree. Us parents whose kids aren't SEN haven't a clue. Like pps have said, until you're in a situation it's v hard to understand.

Of course we don't understand. What would you like us to know?

@UndertheCedartree I'm so sorry if I caused offence. It wasn't my intention

Zombie thread from 2022.

They have a much higher chance of self-harm, lifelong mental health problems and suicide though. So there's that.

My ND child is at Oxford, doing very well academically, and yes, he is toilet trained and can speak. He's also covered in self-harm scars, has PTSD from bullying at school, an eating disorder...and as an autistic adult in this country, regardless of the qualifications he achieves he still has around a 20% chance of ever holding down a job.

Being ND in our society is bloody hard, regardless of functioning labels. Maybe we could support each other instead of playing top trumps?

@SidandAndyssextoy

Excellent post.

It's not a competition and all ND parents have struggles just different ones to each other.

I find this attitude to be really unhelpful. No one is suggesting that it's the same as having a severely disabled child. However there are very real difficulties experienced by parents of 'high functioning kids'. In my experience other parents judge more because the disability is not obvious to them. It's a daily struggle and doesn't get easier as they get older either. I now have a severe anxious, self harming child who can bearly even speak outside the house. By appearances she looks completely able bodied but people would never imagine the struggles that we have. Of course you have my sympathy but it's not fair to minimise the struggles of others. It's not a competition after all.

I think it's almost impossible for NT parents and people in general to really understand. Lots of people think they understand ASD or ADHD but in my experience the they don't. Ditto for parents of v young ND children, I feel for them that support is chronically under funded.

I've found that even in my own family, there are people who try to almost deny the diagnosis (ADHD and ASD) or try and insinuate that they could do a better job. For example they will say helpful things like 'well, we're all on the spectrum somewhere aren't we?' No, actually we're really not! And my favourite has to be 'Give him to me for a week, I'll sort him out!' Amazing, thanks. Do let me know where I'm going wrong. It's infuriating. You have to develop a thick skin.

Really?!🙄