Do parents of 'neurotypical' children really understand?

[WindmillsOfMyMind12]

My son is 4 and is awaiting an assessment for adhd. I'm wondering about autism too but it's very mild if it is there. Although we haven't had the official paediatrician diagnosis yet, other professionals have said yes, it's adhd.

As a primary school teacher, I've taught many neurodiverse children over the years but in no way did that prepare me for having my own child with very challenging behaviour. Dh and I can be so exhausted sometimes. My ds is bright, funny, loving and totally gorgeous but he goes at 100mph, he's impulsive, reckless, highly emotional and has very little concept of risk despite our efforts. We have to be one step ahead and on it all the time, in all situations.

When we're out, I often feel on edge, especially in front of other parents. I feel like they're judging us if ds's behaviour isn't as it 'should be'. Part of me wants to say, my son's got adhd and we're doing everything we can but his behaviour can be unpredictable. It doesn't stop me going to different places with him as I feel like he needs to have different experiences to learn how to adapt but I can be a nervous wreck sometimes!

Now I have a 'neurodiverse' child of my own, I feel so much more compassion and have greater awareness for similar children and their parents. But I do wonder if parents of neurotypical children make judgements? Do they get it at all? Could be that I'm just insecure in my parenting skills with tackling adhd but it can feel like other people judge. It feels like society isn't as 'inclusive' as it could be sometimes.

I have also found parenting a ND child has helped me as a teacher (the other way round, not so much...)

Maybe everyone should do it for a week as part of teacher training.

And I’m guessing that until you had your child, you didn’t understand what it was like to have a ND child either?

@babysharksb1tch I totally get this too. I think going through this experience will really help me as a teacher which is strange but I just see things so differently now. Particularly the way I relate to parents too.

Did you feel like teaching children with SEN didn't really prepare you for what it's like? As a teacher, I feel like it's tough but I can manage SEN children somehow but as a parent I'm totally drained and out of my depth.

This is my thinking.
Plus, 2 families dealing with 2 children who have the same challenges have different coping mechanisms, support systems, resilience, in just the same way that people "cope" or deal with anything in life - bereavement, redundancy, illness, infertility, an accident, or even something which is seen as positive like a lottery win.

No. Just like people who have never had a child can understand the true impact of parenthood on your life.

I can totally understand where @wizzywig 's perspective comes from, but then I remember that "high functioning autistics" are at higher risk of serious and enduring mental health problems and suicide as they get older so I doubt they or their parents feel particularly lucky because their kid might get some gcse's.

@Phineyj yes, good idea! We have to take these positives.

@LightningStrikesAgain has got it in one. As a parent of a child who is almost certainly ND, if they are “high-functioning” with speech, ability to toilet, etc, and without very obvious learning difficulties and additional needs, the expectation is that their behaviour is in line with other NT kids the same age.

There is much less tolerance for meltdowns and so on than there is for, say, a toddler having a tantrum, because the expectation is they’re “too old for that kind of nonsense” and should “just do as you tell them to”.

Some people make it pretty clear they think your DC is a brat and this must be your fault as their parent. Some people also “don’t believe” in neurodiversity and think it’s “just another term for bad behaviour” (this can be generational as children “didn’t have this kind of thing in my day”). My personal experience is that people are generally more tolerant of visible difference and don’t understand that with some ND children and behavioural issues, it’s a case of “can’t” rather than “won’t”.

I don’t think anyone can truly understand until you live the experience. I have a dc with “high functioning” autism and one who would be defined as “low functioning” doesn’t speak etc. I think people do find it hard to understand even when their child has special needs there’s still a huge difference.

@wizzywig that’s a really insensitive comment. “High functioning” still has daily challenges. It’s not a competition and just because your DC may have more profound difficulties, it doesn’t make my DSs challenges any less of a struggle for him.

@MyBuggyIsOutToGetMe totally this! Adhd is so often seen as just being 'naughty' and that's it. As you say visible things can be treated differently.

It’s the endless bullying and social isolation my child suffers, due to being different. It’s so sad. And they appear rude to other adults who don’t realise that saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and knowing when to use them is something ND find extremely hard and have to learn.

I nearly cried when I read a post recently about two cousins who had birthdays at the same time and always used to have joint ones. The NT wanted a separate one so she had one with friends, and the ND had one with no friends as she didn’t have any. That’s the NT child and parent having no fucking clue, 100%.

@WindmillsOfMyMind12 no, teaching an SEN child didn't prepare me at all. I, stupidly, presumed my child would be so well behaved and intelligent because I'm a teacher.

I too feel like I'm able to relate to parents who have challenging children much better.

I didn't realise how triggering I would find my day job after my child was diagnosed. I'm either going to end up dedicating my life to SEN within mainstream settings or leaving it entirely because it's too close to home. Haven't decided which yet!

This is my experience as an adult with Autism. I should have apparently adapted by now and don't need support and should apparently be ok with loud noise and shouldn't walk out because I don't like it. We'll ignore the fact that loud / too much noise actually hurts.

I have one with high functioning autism and it’s hardly a laugh when your six year old can’t leave the house or your eight year old threatens suicide and your hiding all the knives.

I also have one with learning and physical disabilities, and it’s tough, but at least no one assumes it due to my bad parenting.

no they dont understand and even as colleagues of people who dont understand, i can assure it's just as hard!

Would it help to tell you that a teacher who taught my kids who has ND children herself made the most enormous difference to our lives? That we always felt our children were in a safe space, that the efforts she went to in supporting them was so above and beyond that we tried to nominate her for a prize (she refused the nomination)? And that once my children left the school she became a friend and we’re having dinner together this week? Teachers like you can change lives.

I could have written this post a couple of years ago - my eldest has ASD, my other 2 are NT. Before I had my two youngest I was worried about others judgements and with hindsight insecure in my parenting, especially before diagnosis. With the perspective of 2 NT kids now I am more confident in my parenting and know that I cannot override some of my DS1's behaviours with good parenting. What I am constantly learning and improving is how to parent in a way that is effective for him.
But now my concerns are less with people's judgements and more how teachers and mainstream education is often so uninformed in SEN and how much better my child's education would be if they stopped trying to get him to comply to NT behaviours and insist I have a word with him on stuff he won't be receptive to instead of making small adaptations that would make their lives a lot easier.
I appreciate your honesty

I have one of each and the challenge there is to make sure the NT child doesn't get lost in the melee of having to hyperfocus on preventing the ND child harming themselves or others whilst fighting the system to get support for the family.

Did I understand how draining having a ND was child before I had one? No. I am physically and emotionally over my situation now, I love my children dearly but Im not sure how much more I can cope on 4 hours sleep and having chunks bitten out of me by one child while the other is crying out for some attention and support with friendships and school. I can't find a balance, please tell me the secrets!!

And yes to so many of these posts. The number of MN threads starting to complain about the behaviour of children they don’t know in which someone will pop up almost immediately and wittily say ‘I bet you’ll get posters excusing them because of ‘special needs’). It’s painful and it makes me want to stay at home with my children, because they are describing their behaviours. They both look perfectly ‘normal’ of course.

Of course you can't understand unless you've experienced it.

My youngest has ADHD and I can confidently say that I don't understand the struggles of other parents with children with ADHD never mind what it's like to parent children with other ND conditions. What I mean is my son's ADHD has never held him back socially but I know that other children with ADHD can find friendships difficult and I don't know what it's like for those kids or parents .

Most parents are going through something that others simply can't understand. For mine it's multiple allergies - every time we go outside the house it's stressful and extra work and (because they're too young to have impulse control) I'm constantly on alert. It's exhausting and I'm utterly done with it.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but it's not good to get into "we have it harder than everyone else" mindset. I've been there and it's really not good for your mental health.

@Doubleraspberry that helps enormously. I hope my son is lucky enough to be with a teacher like that one day.

I can totally understand where @wizzywig 's perspective comes from, but then I remember that "high functioning autistics" are at higher risk of serious and enduring mental health problems and suicide as they get older so I doubt they or their parents feel particularly lucky because their kid might get some gcse's

I don't think this is the "gotcha" you thought it was. People with moderate-profound learning disabilities die on average ~20-30 years earlier than the general population

We're waiting for DS to be assessed but we're pretty certain it's ASD and he would be considered high functioning.

He refuses to go to school, he now largely refuses to leave the house at all, bedtime routine takes four hours and his meltdowns have put me in A&E. He is incredibly clingy to me, so DH can't take him up to bed which would at least give me an evening off, and with work as well I'm essentially doing 7.30am-11.30pm with no real break.

I certainly don't think I have it worse than people with children with much more challenging behaviours, doesn't mean things aren't shit for us and I'm not struggling to cope.

My brother who is supposedly high functioning has no qualification. I have average GCSEs and wouldn't now be able to able to cope well enough to gain any qualifications unless they were online.

It's not as straight forward as you're making it out to be.

I can speak in sentences; whether anyone can understand me is another matter.