To ask how to respond to alcoholic relative

[sillylily23]

Posted about this many times on MN and always had very good advice.

My mum is a functioning alcoholic. Always used drink to cope with stress but since my dad died 4 years ago it's gotten steadily worse. Daily drinking, often in the mornings when she's not working. Isn't abusive as such when drunk but can be argumentative, forgetful and just generally talks rubbish. She slurs and behaves bizarrely it's just very unpleasant and embarrassing to be around.

I've spoken to her about it many times, things don't change. I understand she is grieving but ultimately alcohol has always been an issue for her and I think since we lost dad she has used it as an excuse to simply drink more and more. I do try to involve her in our life - she comes on holidays and days out with us. But often she will prefer to stay home alone drinking.

My question now is how to respond when I know she's been drinking. For example I can tell within seconds of her answering the phone if she's had a drink. Rather than address it in a mature way I tend to just get grumpy and end the call as quick as possible. Then I end up feeling guilty about treating her badly. Today I spoke to her at 10am and knew she'd been drinking. I was abrupt and ended the call. My dd said 'you really don't like grandma do you?' And it broke my heart a bit. So I thought I need to find a better way to communicate but assert boundaries when I know she's had a drink. Because actually engaging with her is too frustrating for me.

I don’t have experience of this but it sounds really tough and I am really sorry.

I think I would approach it when she’s sober: ‘Mum, I can’t talk to you when you call after you’ve been drinking. So if you’ve had a drink and call me up, I’ll end the call. Then you can call me back when you’re sober.’

Do you have any support from Al-Anon or similar?

Does your mum admit she has an alcohol problem?

I think she realises but she isn't willing to change anything.

I know something like that would be the best response but for some reason I just can't seem to get the words out. It feels awkward somehow even though we've discussed it before.

I looked into al-anon but there is nothing local to me. I have had some great advice and support on here. And my husband is supportive. My mum almost acts as if she's redundant to us all now - she often says 'well you have x (dh) so you don't need me now' but that's not the case at all. I will always need her. And she also has grandchildren who need her. But I don't even feel comfortable leaving the dc with her anymore because of the drinking. Not the little ones anyway. It's really upsetting and so frustrating. I don't begrudge the occasional drink, I do it too. But not everyday and not to the point where it's impacting my relationships.

DH and I both have alcoholics in the family.

There is no changing an alcoholic, they have to want to change. It must be awful for your mum to be relying so heavily on the booze now she’s widowed. She no longer has her DH and now it sounds like she doesn’t have you to talk to either. Does she have any friends or other family she sees or speaks to regularly or is she isolating herself to drink?

We gained a level of acceptance re our family members drinking and don’t end the calls unless the person does become argumentative or start ranting about something. We chat away and roll our eye and complain to each other that X had started drinking already but accept they are alcoholics but I totally understand that sometimes people just need to walk away and go nc.

Can I ask was she argumentative on the phone this morning or is you ending the call abruptly some form of punishment because you are angry with her about the drinking? Can you just not bear to hear her slur or was she not making any sense? Nobody chooses to be an alcoholic, it’s caused a lot of issues and sadness in our family. It’s a terrible illness. Your update highlights that your mum is feeling very lonely, is there a social prescriber in her area who can signpost local groups? There are hobby/craft/lunch even window groups. Maybe your mum would benefit from being more occupied on her days off and meeting up with people who understand how she’s feeling.

AA do have helpline support for family members of alcoholics.
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

even window groups

WIDOW groups, obviously. 🤦🏼‍♀️

@TwocksAway to be honest I am just sick of her personality when she's drunk. She isn't particularly argumentative but the slur annoys me. She doesn't make a lot of sense. Conversation is hard work because she isn't 'with it' and doesn't understand what I'm saying. But admittedly it immediately gets my back up that she's drinking by 10am and doesn't make me want to have any sort of conversation. In the past I have gone along with phone conversations and visits when she's been drunk and done the whole eye roll and complaining afterwards. But I find now I'm unable to do that, it just makes me so frustrated and annoyed.

I wish she were the type of person to try new things and meet new people but she just isn't. She would never go to a club or class alone. She does see friends often which is good. But most of those meetings involve lunches out which inevitably means more booze.

I hate that she's lonely but she isolates herself further by choosing to stay home alone and drink. And then alienating herself from me because I can't deal with her when she's drunk.

But your question was
My question now is how to respond when I know she's been drinking. and the simple response is by just ignoring that she’s had a drink. If you are saying that you can’t do that then you either need to phone at 8/9am before she’s started or don’t phone her at all and be LC.

How does she manage to hold down her job?

I agree with the PP who said you should speak to her when she's sober and say that if you can tell she's been drinking when she calls, you're not going to speak to her. You need to enforce those boundaries, though I imagine it will be really hard for you.

It's extremely hard :-(

We speak daily and usually see each other a few times a week. We have always been close.

She manages to go to work when she needs to. She just drinks when she gets home. Then spends her days off drinking when she wants.

It's a shit situation OP but you can't help her, she has to want to change herself.

I'd talk to her when she is sober and tell her that you do not want a call from her if she's been drinking. Stress that you can tell immediately if she has, and will end the call. Tell her you love her and need her, but she loves and needs booze more than anything in the world and that hurts you.
There's a phrase "detach with love" that I find useful.

You are not responsible for your Mum's drinking problem op. Or her loneliness.

You are angry because she is choose alcohol over you and you have every right to feel hurt and angry with her.

Alcoholism is an illness but it is also a choice.

I would tell your Mum that if she has had a drink, you don't want to speak to her. Tell her to let your call go to voicemail and to ring you back when she sobers up.

Her drinking is ramping up and sadly, you may get to the stage when her alcoholism affects your ability to communicate with her even when she's sober.

Don't beat yourself for feeling angry or even showing her how much her behaviour is affecting you.

I get you @sillylily23 my mother is the same and when I hear her slurring or her awful sing song drunk voice I usually end the call very quickly. The only techniques I’ve managed over the years - and it has been years - is not to ring her or pick up her calls after about mid day, and at one point I got into the habit of ringing her at breakfast-time which usually worked ok.

its awful that she needs to drink, but I came to resent my day being ruined by her incoherent emotional calls. I was the most generous daughter ever, and then I got completely sick of dealing with it. It’s a very tough call.