People not making the effort

[Ibizamumof4]

my fourth daughter was born 6 weeks ago. My MIL who lives locally has not been around it’s all very strange she’s messaged saying she’s really busy in work (she’s a part time cleaner ) she can be hit and miss for example missing birthdays etc but this is a new level for her. Then two of my eldest friends also haven’t bothered keep making arrangements to visit then literally message on the day to say they arent coming one has done this 4 times now and the other told me she needed to wash her hair the exact time she was meant to be at my house. I just can’t imagine doing this to anyone who had just had a baby , especially if they were a friend , family ? Now am I bern unreasonable to be annoyed ? Do I make a fuss about it , ignore them , confront it, or just accept lives have moved on? Particularly difficult with the MIL. For more info there has been no fallings out or disagreements or I haven’t changed plans.

I mean this is the kindest way but it's your fourth child. The shine and excitement of friends having numerous babies does fade with SOME people. Congratulations though :)

This seems to be very common when people have three/four children plus.

Your baby is your world....unfortunately,to others, a baby isn't always that exciting

And a tired mother wanting to talk 'baby' won't be a big attraction for them

Sorry op, it's your 4th the novelty for everyone has kind of worn off.

Congratulations but yabu. Having a baby in the big scheme of things is only really ever going to be that meaningful to you and if it's your fourth this isn't anyone's first time at the rodeo.

Sorry op, agree with others - by the fourth one, the only people really interested are the parents..

A mixture of 4th child and how old are the others? Are they worried you are going to try to get them to help out?

I never understand why people don't care just because it's your 3rd/4th baby. I would be over the moon if any of my family or friends had a baby and would be very excited to meet them, I wouldn't care if it was their 1st or 10th. I think your MIL and friends are being lame and I'd just concentrate on your baby and wait for them to contact you. Don't waste your time contacting them.

I dont think you're unreasonable to be annoyed at all OP. WRT your MIL I wouldn't bother about her - if she can't or won't drop in then that's up to her, its her loss.

As for your friends, I'd be annoyed if they had made plans to visit and then cancelled last minute. I'd be especially insulted if I was given the excuse of "I need to wash my hair".

PPs have said that the novelty might have worn off since its your 4th baby. Maybe that's true but what about you? It's not all about the baby, where is the support for you? They don't need to bend over backwards, but keeping to plans and dropping in for a cuppa surely isn't a huge effort. Or even just giving you a call to see how you are?

I hope you've got other supportive friends and family around you. Congratulations on your new arrival, enjoy the cuddly time with your newborn, it goes by in a flash as I'm sure you already know!

I agree this is hurtful because your 4th child is every bit as important and loved as your first. However, I only have 2 and there was a HUGE difference between the way people reacted to my first and second. With my first I was overwhelming with attention and gifts from everyone - even people I hadn't heard from in years. With my second barely anyone was interested!

Well tbf by your 4th, there's not much anyone else can support you with that you wouldn't know already. In fact by your 4th you know exactly what you're getting yourself into. If all are girls, well really there's not much to add is there. It is special to you, but I think you also need to see it from the other side so as to not upset yourself.

Having a baby can be a bit isolating until you're into the swing of it, even if its not your first. Support doesn't always mean providing useful information or doing something - wee bit of moral support might be nice. Or just not being so rude to a friend? You don't make plans to visit someone then repeatedly cancel on them, regardless of the situation. Thats not a valid excuse "she knows what she's doing let me just deep condition my hair instead". Not unreasonable to be upset by that. Also not OP upsetting herself - someone else's actions have upset her.

FWIW OP, if they're typically good friends and this behaviour is unusual I wouldn't fall out with them over it. Maybe just accept you're at a slightly different stage and have different priorities right now, focus on your family and catch up with them later.

This is a strange thread indeed. Most people seem to be saying that it’s normal and ok for someone not to visit their new grandchild. Have I got that right?

OP clearly Mumsnet is even more insane than it usually is. Your MIL should have visited within a day or two and surely should want to help with her new grandchild? Although I guess that depends on your relationship with her.

I have 4 DC and my closest friends were still keen to come and see the baby. Definitely within 6 weeks and it's really annoying that they've let you down. Hard not to take it personally, but I think I'd ignore the new baby aspect and just react as though they'd cancelled a regular catch up. For me, I wouldn't challenge a one off in a usually reliable friend, but you might be different.

Assuming no massive drip feed (like DC is product of your affair, you're already no contact or that you've had Covid passing round your home for 4 weeks and a MIL who was classed as CEV) then MIL not coming round is pretty unforgiveable. This baby is her grandchild, surely she'd want to see the new addition?!

Surely it’s natural for people to be more interested and excited when you are becoming a mother for the first time?

If you were getting married for the fourth time would you expect people to be as interested and excited as they were the first time?

Four children is a lot. People are bored of the new baby by that stage. It doesn't mean they've left your life for good.